Who will save us?

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I'm a Democrat. I know....Shocking, huh? I've been a Democrat for my entire voting life. In fact, in high school I tormented a poor conservative girl by singing the following song, to the tune of The Farmer in the Dell:

Abortion on demand

Abortion on demand

Hi-ho, The derry-o

Abortion on demand.

Mean? Yeah, but she just wouldn't shut up about Ronald Fucking Reagan.

So, where was I? Oh yeah... I'm not super-duper-let's-masturbate-joyfully thrilled about our current crop of candidates. The more I hear Obama talk, the more I hear the political equivalent of an Amway spiel. Perhaps that's because he's trying to bring a message of hope and I, as a cynical bastard, am not receptive to said message. I would still support Obama or Hillary against any Republican. Hell, I'd support a velvet painting of John Wayne Gacy if it ran against Giuliani. But just for the hell of it, let's look at a few other potential candidates.

Al Gore
It's an obvious choice since he was actually elected president in 2000. Yes, the past is a creepy uncle who touched Al Gore in all the wrong places, and I'm sure he'd like to make things right. And you just know this guy hates the Clintons. I liked Bill Clinton as President, but can you imagine standing in his doughy* shadow for eight years? "Al, quit reading the latest issue of Obscure Technology Monthly and fetch Willie Jeff another brewski. You're killin' my buzz, Fredo."

If I was Gore I'd drive a Toyota Prius through the back wall of the Democratic National Convention and get out of the car wearing nothing but my Nobel Prize and a noticeable erection. I'd walk up to the nearest microphone and proclaim "Monica blew me, too. I was just smart enough to have her dress cleaned." Hello, nomination!

Michael Dukakis
Michael Dukakis, the ineffectual east coast liberal who lost forty states in 1988? The one and same! I voted for "the Duke" back in the day, but then again I've always been ahead of the times. The people weren't ready for a swarthy, dwarf-like president then, but I think they are now.
CONFESSION: I just checked wikipedia to make sure Michael Dukakis is still alive. And he is! The campaign can proceed.

Vivica A. Fox
She was hot in Kill Bill and funny in Curb Your Enthusiasm. If voters can support an unqualified candidate because "He's someone I'd like to drink a beer with" then I can support Vivica for having a great ass.

Judd Apatow
If Mitt Romney had written and directed Superbad, I'm going to go out on a limb and say it wouldn't have been as funny. Sample dialogue from Mitt's version:

"It's our last night before we go on separate Mormon missions. What shall we do?"

"Let's invite the gang over for cherry sodas and fondue!"

"Swell!"

Bill Clinton wearing an obviously phony moustache disguise
"Hey, fellow Americans, I'm uh, Bob...Bob Smith, yeah," Bill Clinton would say as his cheap Wal-Mart Halloween Department 'stache started to fall off. "Vote for me and I have the feeling I'll bring about eight years of peace and prosperity."

Sean Hannity would be on the air immediately, fuming humorlessly.

Sean: "This Bob Smith character is obviously Bill Clinton."

Guest: "Well, no shit Sean. His 'disguise' cost 99 cents. Please for the love of all that is good and decent, kill yourself."

Well, whoever is nominated, I'm sure the campaign will have absolutely nothing to do with real issues and everything to do with a bunch of manufactured bullshit. Don't forget to vote.


*I'm actually doughier than Clinton.