Monday, January 07, 2008
How "Too Late" is Now?

When I was younger I had a massive crush on this girl, better known as the chick in the Smiths' "How Soon is Now?" video. After all, she looked really good in that hat and was in a Smiths video. What more could I ask for?

She was also representative of the type of woman who remained completely unattainable to me. The alternachicks claimed to be attracted to dorks, but I was a different kind of dork; a fat dork who wasn't in a band and looked really bad in hats.

Okay, about two years ago I briefly blogged about Sarah Thegirlwhoruinedmylife, and she had some "could have been in a Smiths' video" qualities about her, but she ruined my life, so she doesn't count.

My quest for a "How Soon is Now?" girl continues, and at my advanced age, that's just sad. Society says I should be looking for a woman to give birth to the children I don't want; someone to support in her career while she supports the career I don't have, so one day we can buy a house in the suburbs, which I hate. I just want a lady who'll drink bourbon with me and owns at least one Belly CD (How she looks in a hat just isn't that important to me anymore).

Growing older alone is a vicious kick to the groin. I'd kick back, but I'm afraid I'd hurt my hip.


Be confident in yourself bro. You put yourself down too much. Life is hard enough without doubting yourself. For what it's worth, I believe in you completely.

Blogger CaptainB said...

"Growing older alone is a vicious kick to the groin."

Yes. Yes it is. I've been pondering this very thing recently every time I wake from another dream where my ex-wife is the star player.

Yeah, the alternachicks were indeed special, but I never figured out their dork selection criteria. From what I remember, the dudes who got 'em were the ones with effeminate mannerisms or the non-jock model faces who smoked weed instead of drank. Back then I was scared of the weed, so I wasn't cool. I finally landed a sweet petite one, but it took two years of growing my hair out and ...*ahem*... joining a band.

So where are they now? Good fucking question. Let us know if you find out. Great site, by the way.

Blogger flounder said...

Damn Todd. I come here to be entertained and amused and now I want to take a warm bath with a toaster.

Thanks man.

Blogger Übermilf said...


"Some" alternachicks live in the Suburbs of Chicago and bake cupcakes and angrily rant about things over which they have no control.

Or so I've heard.

Those chicks like that gal in the Smiths video don't really exist, they make them in a lab and then they destroy them.

One day I'll learn not to click when you tell me to to click somewhere.

Blogger Hot Lemon said...

wow. I think *I'm* getting a crush, now...

Blogger Rachel Schell said...

who are The Smiths'?

Blogger Ambitious Blonde said...

Now I am depressed about both my lack of a suitable partner AND my cranium that is large enough to make any hat look like a yarmulke.

But it IS a really good song and video, so the glass shall stay half-full. :)

Blogger Nick said...

it's too damn bad people don't choose mates based on compatibility anymore. Remember when a sense of humor and a warm smile were all you needed? Now I have to have rock hard abs, teeth so white they blind people and I have to dress like a fucking douchecock.

You know who wears a sport coat with a t-shirt? A fucking douchecock.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I used to want a man with rock hard abs and a Chiclet smile. Now I want a man who will make me laugh and bring me chicken soup when I'm sick.

My hip hurts.

Blogger Windrider said...

Ahh the "pre-emo" smiths chicks..

I remember them oh so well, and even had one that I chased after relentlessly that wound up smashing my heart to pieces.

It's true that they went for the biggest douchebag losers on the planet.. Guys naimed Blaine, or Chance who had their bedrooms painted black and covered with depeche mode, and morrisey posters.. You remeber them, the ones that sat around doing their best pained Jim Morrison impressions at all the parties..

Where are the Alternachicks now?

Married to some skeezy, never grew up man-child more than likely..

And Probably ridden with HPV and herpes for sleeping with those chodes back then..

Or so we hope.

Blogger Übermilf said...


That is not nice at all!

And I'll have you know I never slept with Chance OR Blaine!

Blogger egan said...

I think it's great that you love Belly as much as you do. Could the lead singer of Belly be the woman from The Smiths video?

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Nick smells. Pass it on.

Blogger jazzbonejoe said...

Also, he is a douchecock.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I used to wear black on the outside because black was how I felt on the inside.

Now I wear black because it's slimming.

Any girl'd be lucky to have you, baby.

And any girl who'd disagree gets a punch in the neck.

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