Wednesday, December 26, 2007
'Twas the Season

I officially give up on humanity (again). The Holiday Season is officially a shitheap and there's no going back. The general public is one big collective asshole from the day after Thanksgiving until they have to be forced out of the stores on Christmas Eve.

The biggest dickhead of the season was on the phone, thank God, or I would have taken his life. An old man (big surprise) called and asked how much something cost. Personally, I have never called a retail establishment and asked about prices because I realize the world doesn't revolve around me, but hey, that's okay; I quoted the man a price, no problem.

But it didn't end there. The man then went into what will always be known, for now and evermore, as The Free Cheese Diatribe. Please keep in mind that this was Christmas Eve, and the store was incredibly busy.

"I come in your store a lot, and the wife and I really enjoy the free cheese samples you set out. When do you usually have the cheese samples?"

"Every Saturday morning," I answered.

Oh god, that really set him off. "Well, the last three Saturdays I've been in there hasn't been any cheese out. My wife and I like to try the different cheeses and crackers. Why hasn't there been any cheese the last three Saturdays?"

"To my knowledge, there has been." As in, I'm there on Saturdays and I'm a fat guy who will eat a cheese sample or two.

"Well, I was there in the morning and there wasn't any free cheese. I spend a lot of money in your store (yeah, right). We bought some cheese and crackers the last time you had them out."

Wow, you bought cheese AND crackers? I'm surprised the owner of the store doesn't just retire from that god damn windfall. Merry Christmas, Diamond Jim!

He just kept on and on and on. This horrible person had nothing better to do on Christmas Eve than complain ad nauseam about a lack of fucking free cheese at a retail establishment. God, I wanted to scream at him "WE DON'T OWE YOU FREE SAMPLES, YOU ENTITLED OLD FUCK!" but he's the kind of person who would have followed up on getting me fired. There's no doubt about it. So I listened to him as customers, real customers who were at the store buying actual products, waited to ask me legitimate questions.

Then he demanded, "I need to talk to the manager. I want to ask him about the cheese schedule."

I didn't attempt to hide my distain. "You want to talk to a manager about cheese samples? Okay, but it may take a minute. We're very busy." Silly me, I hoped he would take the hint that we had better things to do than to listen to his petty concerns, but I forgot for a second that I was talking to the most self-centered fossil on Earth.


He must be a mind reader. I was going to hang up on the prune-eating bag of wrinkles for raising his gravely voice at me, but I decided to share the love with one of our managers. Ten minutes TEN FUCKING MINUTES!!! later the manager got off the phone with the idiot. We both said a little prayer involving a burning Christmas tree and the man's home, then went about our business.

If I'm ever such an old inconsiderate piece of human garbage, kindly end my life.


Blogger Hot Lemon said...

"hell is other people."


bad news-- it's as bad or WORSE at Disney World.

Blogger Jeannie said...

Yeah - people who expect freebies all the time annoy the hell out of me too.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Hey Todd, got any free cheese to go with that whine?

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

You should use a fake name from now on. It will allow you more freedom.

Blogger John said...

I'm glad I'm not alone on this stuff. I pick up packages from one of the busiest malls in Texas and this past holiday season just about pushed me into serial killer mode. Old people are actually a blessing in that setting, as they are easy to maneuver around as they shamble along at a snail's pace. It's the large groups of school-free teens and, frankly, Mexican families that set me off. Several times groups of teens actually stopped at the top of the escalator with a steady stream of people moving up behind them to hug, gossip, and generally ignore the rest of the world. When you kindly point out the obvious problem this causes, it's as though you've attempted to touch them inappropriately. Were we like that as teens? Jesus, I hope not. Someone should have killed us if so. The Mexicans clearly do not understand that in American culture it's rude to walk 12 abreast and, thus, hold one entire side of the traffic hostage as they babble in Spanish and pretend they're the only people on the planet.

Anyway, you're not alone, if that's any consolation, big guy.

What a fucking moron. You showed saintlike patience, as I would have blown an eardrum shattering rape whistle in his ear.

Blogger miss kendra said...

i'm really proud of you for not offering him any number of body excretions labeled as cheese.

Blogger Rachel said...

Yep, Christmas sucks!

Blogger Windrider said...

Use the name of a fellow employee you hate and apologise profusely.. Then tell tham that you will leave a gift certificate for them at customer service to use the next time they come in.

I can totally relate to how you feel.

My average 8 hours of toil consists of dealing with quasi literate douchebags every 10 minutes, and clueless twats who don't understand the meaning of "we don't handle that in this office, I'll need to transfer you"

Blogger Lauren said...

Wow. And I thought I had it bad just being tormented by my family.

Anonymous Anonymous said...

"I want to talk about the cheese schedule." Oh god, that is the funniest thing I have read today.

Blogger Lakota Princess said...

What! He didn't threaten to sue for his free cheese?
The reverse side of that are the people that give out free samples in the grocery store and try to force feed them on you.
"Have a sample"
"No thank you."
"It's good, have one."
"I'm not hungry, thanks anyway."

Cheese is worth holding ten minutes for.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Hooray! It's over!

Let's get drunk and make out.

Blogger Ambitious Blonde said...

It's Melissa, gone slightly anonymous.

"Prune-eating bag of wrinkles" is about the best crabby old bastard descriptor I've heard ever.

I've either reserved my place in Hell or earned my wings and halo this holiday season for enthusiastically encouraging one of those prune-eating wrinkle bags to have a "Merry fucking Christmas, douchebag".

The store manager had to run to the back room so she wouldn't laugh at the guy. :)

Blogger Nick said...

I would have told him to go to hell.

Blogger FRITZ said...

Is it possible to assassinate Christmas?

my sympathies. you have them!

Blogger Dale said...

I'm addressing all my cards next year to Diamond Jim.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...


"he must be a mind reader"

Blogger Tracy said...

it's less likely he's a mind reader but more likely that he's been told to "go to hell" on more occasions than he can remember.

I would have pulled my patented,
hello hello? he must have hung up on me, he's not there

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