'Twas the Season

I officially give up on humanity (again). The Holiday Season is officially a shitheap and there's no going back. The general public is one big collective asshole from the day after Thanksgiving until they have to be forced out of the stores on Christmas Eve.

The biggest dickhead of the season was on the phone, thank God, or I would have taken his life. An old man (big surprise) called and asked how much something cost. Personally, I have never called a retail establishment and asked about prices because I realize the world doesn't revolve around me, but hey, that's okay; I quoted the man a price, no problem.

But it didn't end there. The man then went into what will always be known, for now and evermore, as The Free Cheese Diatribe. Please keep in mind that this was Christmas Eve, and the store was incredibly busy.

"I come in your store a lot, and the wife and I really enjoy the free cheese samples you set out. When do you usually have the cheese samples?"

"Every Saturday morning," I answered.

Oh god, that really set him off. "Well, the last three Saturdays I've been in there hasn't been any cheese out. My wife and I like to try the different cheeses and crackers. Why hasn't there been any cheese the last three Saturdays?"

"To my knowledge, there has been." As in, I'm there on Saturdays and I'm a fat guy who will eat a cheese sample or two.

"Well, I was there in the morning and there wasn't any free cheese. I spend a lot of money in your store (yeah, right). We bought some cheese and crackers the last time you had them out."

Wow, you bought cheese AND crackers? I'm surprised the owner of the store doesn't just retire from that god damn windfall. Merry Christmas, Diamond Jim!

He just kept on and on and on. This horrible person had nothing better to do on Christmas Eve than complain ad nauseam about a lack of fucking free cheese at a retail establishment. God, I wanted to scream at him "WE DON'T OWE YOU FREE SAMPLES, YOU ENTITLED OLD FUCK!" but he's the kind of person who would have followed up on getting me fired. There's no doubt about it. So I listened to him as customers, real customers who were at the store buying actual products, waited to ask me legitimate questions.

Then he demanded, "I need to talk to the manager. I want to ask him about the cheese schedule."

I didn't attempt to hide my distain. "You want to talk to a manager about cheese samples? Okay, but it may take a minute. We're very busy." Silly me, I hoped he would take the hint that we had better things to do than to listen to his petty concerns, but I forgot for a second that I was talking to the most self-centered fossil on Earth.

"OH, SO YOU'RE TRYING TO TELL ME TO GO TO HELL?"

He must be a mind reader. I was going to hang up on the prune-eating bag of wrinkles for raising his gravely voice at me, but I decided to share the love with one of our managers. Ten minutes TEN FUCKING MINUTES!!! later the manager got off the phone with the idiot. We both said a little prayer involving a burning Christmas tree and the man's home, then went about our business.

If I'm ever such an old inconsiderate piece of human garbage, kindly end my life.