Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Hometown News
This story appeared yesterday in the Louisville Courier Journal:

Local Liquor Store Overrun By Unpleasant People

State police and the FBI are investigating complaints from employees of an eastern Jefferson County liquor store that an unusual number of "crazy rednecks, smelly bums, grumpy old bastards, and wannabe thugs" have shopped there in the past few weeks.

"Son of a ____," a cashier began, "if these people were any dumber they'd be mannequins. In fact, I wish they were mannequins so I didn't have to hear them speak."

A store manager who, like all employees quoted for this story, wished to remain anonymous, added: "The old people...oh my god, the old people. They line up at the door before we even open and pound on the windows with their canes and walkers. And they smell like a combination of moth balls and stale urine."

When asked to describe the typical purchase of a elderly person, the store manager said "Barely filtered vodka and blended whiskey in half-gallon plastic bottles, 4 litre jugs of swill wine; basically anything that's cheap and will get them drunk. It's not like they have any taste buds left."

Another employee complained of "dirty smelly hippies" who "stink like someone threw up on Jerry Garcia's corpse." She added, "And if you think 'merlot' rhymes with 'forgot' please kill yourself immediately."

None of the employees had anything nice to say about the customers, described by one as "The largest gathering of douchebags in one place since Dane Cook played Yankee Stadium." However, a cashier supervisor said part of the blame for the hellish working conditions lies at the feet of the incompetent seasonal help recently hired.

"Last week we had a cashier beat up her boyfriend in the parking lot, " he said, "and the next day she couldn't make it to work because he slashed her tires. Real Jerry Springer stuff. And most of them have to be retrained every day. It's like they're goldfish with arms."

Whatever the cause, police are not optimistic regarding a change for the better. Said Sgt. John Scherer, "If the state owned that building, we'd shut it down and implode it the next day. It's that bad."


For the love of God, get the fuck out of that place! Don't wait one more day!

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Please! Listen to your brother!

Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Things are going that well, eh?

I'll take endorsements where I can get them Scarlet.....

Blogger Übermilf said...

Goldfish with arms...
comedy gold

if you don't leave, bring a notebook and start jotting things down for your book/movie about the place.

Blogger John said...

Everybody knows "merlot" rhymes with "harlot." I mean, seriously.

Blogger Übermilf said...
Blogger Nick said...

Now you can see how it's so easy for me to make generalizations.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

"And if you think 'merlot' rhymes with 'forgot' please kill yourself immediately."


God I fucking hate it when people say merLOT...

I'm with vast on this one, Todd.

Blogger miss kendra said...

ahhh humanity.

Blogger Gerald said...

Have you ever smelt moth ball?
How do get their little legs apart?

Blogger yournamehere said...

I have to find another job first.

I can't believe it either.

oh, they're going swimmingly.

I feel the same way about handjobs.

well at least if I write a book one person will read it.

there's always Boone's Farm.

santa needs to keep that shit to himself.

yes, I only bring it on myself.

we should be allowed to slap them.

monkey mc,
I need to win the lottery I never play.

what would we do without it?

ha, I love that joke.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I want to snuggle you now.

I'm fucking crying through my laughter. Brilliant post.

Blogger Shannon said...


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