Saturday, December 22, 2007
Last Minute Gift Ideas
-For the Republican on your list, and we all have one, I suggest the Full Length Puppy Fur Judicial Robe, from the Newt Gingrich collection at Sears. It's a perfect marriage of function and unnecessary cruelty. Look for Newt's arrogant smirk on every package!

-Here's a common problem: You look great in a picture, but standing next to you is the dreaded ex- boyfriend/girlfriend (or ex-husband/wife). How would you like to replace this disposable human being with a photo of a beloved pet? Well frankly, that's sad...but thanks to the folks at petpic.com, it's possible. That forgettable prom date? Now it's your faithful dog! Hey, did you marry your cat? No, that would be illegal and sick, but with petpic.com that's the impression you can give your horrified house guests.

-Everyone has a white trash relative, friend, or coworker. What to give the Cletus or Nurleen on your list? I suggest a pair of acid washed jeans. These denim gems can be hard to find, but nothing compliments a mullet and a Nascar shirt like a pair of jeans from a Def Leppard video circa 1987. And if you can't find the pants, you can always give 'em meth.

-Peanuts cartoons are almost universally beloved, but the Charlie Brown Christmas Special has been overplayed for years now. I recommend the controversial and little-seen You Have Elephantitis of the Testicles, Charlie Brown. It's year-'round fun for the whole family.

Okay, that's only four suggestions, but god damn, how many last minute gifts do you have to buy? Start earlier next time!


6 Comments:

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

How many puppies have to die before those Republicans have satisfied their endless greed!

Blogger miss kendra said...

i so wanted petpic.com to be real.

Blogger Hot Lemon said...

fuck, I just want someone to gimmie a 5th of gin and 2L of tonic.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

Ahhhhhh meth... the gift that keeps on giving!

Happy holidays Todd!

Blogger Lauren said...

Merry Christmas, Todd!

To answer your question Scarlet; Millions and Millions....Baby seals too!

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