Wednesday, January 30, 2008
SHUT. THE. FUCK. UP.

This morning I had a late breakfast at Lynn's Paradise Cafe. The food at Lynn's is delicious and the place is a lot of fun, but it's NOT where you want to go for a quiet, relaxing meal. I completely understood this going in, but I was still annoyed by the chatterbox fuckface sitting at the table directly behind me.

This man did not shut his cornbread-hole for ONE SECOND during the duration of my stay. I don't know as much about lifelong friends as I do about this chatty choda. His two dining companions encouraged his monotonouslogue by insipidly giggling at his obvious, telegraphed, hackneyed jokes. They were either the most polite people ever or as easily amused as a stadium of Dane Cook fans (I did it again, Lauren).

He was one of those people who think their every fucking thought is a historic revelation to be shared with the undeserving masses. In other words, he's like a blogger. Shit.

But you only read the blogs you want to read! He was a non-stop audio post about everything that ever happened to him from the day he peed his pants in kindergarten up to that very moment sitting in the restaurant. The guy's a douchebag wikipedia.

When his food arrived I thought he'd shut up for a minute. No such luck. He never ever ever stopped talking about the numbing minutiae of his unfortunate existence. Since the server eventually took away an empty plate, I can only assume he has a second mouth on his neck, put there years ago by rogue surgeons so he wouldn't starve to death. Yes, I think this guy would sooner perish from undernourishment than deprive the world of his voice for even an instant.

Thanks for ruining my breakfast, Man With Two Mouths. I'm sure we'll meet again when we're roommates in Hell.


17 Comments:

You should have have slipped the cook a fivske to put some talcum powder in his waffles. Fucking douchebag.

Blogger Ambitious Blonde said...

douchebag wikipedia

That right there? Made me love you.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Maybe he's been in a coma for five years and had a lot pent up.

You didn't think of that, did you?

So insensitive to the needs of the recently de-comatized.

Blogger jazzbonejoe said...

I was also amused by "douchebag wikipdedia," but I don't think I love you.

Blogger miss kendra said...

douchebag wikipedia got me too. i will have to still that.

i still am a fan of the phrase "pig vulva." you have a way with words.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I wonder when Mr. Underhill moved to Kentucky.

Blogger Lauren said...

Yes! I got a shout-out! You realize that your obsession with Dane Cook makes me feel better about all my obsessions, don't you? Have you seen his latest commercial: "Why do I have so many keys?" It's so not funny that it's kind of funny how not funny he is...or something.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

As sorry as I am for your horrific experience, I'm grateful to that insipid asshole because he makes you say things like "chatterbox fuckface" and I really needed to hear that today.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

You always make me feel better about things.

Thanks, baby.

Blogger la dolce said...

Wait, wait, wait.

Hi :)

Blogger Nick said...

Total burn on Mr. Underhill, right out of left field.

Blogger ginonymous said...

damn, Brooke, quite a callback!

Blogger Ms Smack said...

ugh, I can't stand tools like this. They have no sense of decorum!

Blogger Steph said...

I would have moved away. People like that give me homicidal tendencies.

Blogger flounder said...

Two words Todd: Drive-Thru.

Blogger Dale said...

I can't believe you didn't say hi to me.

Blogger Kevin said...

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