Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Rolling Stone just published a rather scathing article about Britney Spears' fall from America's Sweetheart to America's Toe-Rag. The cover photo looks eerily like the one they ran of Kurt Cobain after he killed himself. So if you're ever on the cover of Rolling Stone and the photograph is in black and white, you're fucked.

Highlights of the article:

-When asked for an autograph after having a meltdown at a mall, Britney said to her young fan, "I don't know who you think I am, bitch, but I'm not that person." NICE.

-Britney got breast implants at age seventeen, but had them removed after she developed naturally. Jesus, wasn't there an adult around to tell a child she shouldn't get a pair of saline scum magnets?

-Kevin Federline, well known in the LA club scene, was nicknamed "Meat Pole". Damn, a guy with his dazzling intellect also has a big dick? It hardly seems fair. Oh, note to self: Become all-powerful and destroy the person in the LA club scene who hands out nicknames.

-There are twenty photographers assigned to cover Britney on a full time basis, and that number jumps to almost a hundred if she does something exciting like getting thrown out of a club or neglecting her children.

After reading this article I'm convinced Britney was driven insane by a cruel stew of bad parenting, natural stupidity, fame, fame vultures, substance abuse, and having children with the "meat pole" attached to Federline's dick.

Is her downfall a tragedy on the scale of a terrorist attack or a natural disaster? Of course not. It's not even as bad as when something horrible happens to a talented, intelligent, or nice person. The worst thing about the whole affair is that no one truly cares about her situation. Rolling Stone fakes empathy to sell a few magazines, but Britney doesn't sell records anymore, so to the music industry she's just Meredith Brooks with a meth habit. If there's anyone out there who cares about her life and doesn't just want something from her, they'd better step up or the Associated Press will be completing that obituary they've already started.


20 Comments:

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Meat Pole. Wow. And I thought it was bad that my friends (rightly so) named my first boyfriend Asshole.

Blogger dguzman said...

"Meredith Brooks with a meth habit"--ouch.

I didn't even catch the parallel to the Cobain cover. Your assessment of her craziness causes is probably right on. Poor kid.

Blogger Ambitious Blonde said...

Your diagnostic skills are better than some of the psych docs I've encountered. :)

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

To play armchair psychologist...

I think throughout her young life people told her, "Just do this (insert humiliating or fake behavior here). You'll be rich and famous. That's what everybody wants."

Then she became rich and famous, and was even more miserable than ever. But she doesn't even know what goal to reach for now. She thinks she reached the end of the rainbow and found a pot of shit there instead of gold.

She is like a walking, talking Aesop's fable.

Blogger Michaela said...

Thank you for saying it. I'm so tired of hearing about all of her crap. Bigger problems in the world!

Blogger Nick said...

And what's worse, Ubermilf, is that there probably isn't anyone that can reach her now and tell her that's not the way it has to be.

Who could you trust after all that?

Blogger miss kendra said...

i feel SO sad when i see her in the news and wish that normal people (like the ubers or the mcgees) could just take her away from all that for a year or two and remind her what it's like to be a person, and perhaps a whole person after that.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I think that all tabloid owners, employees, and "photographers" should be sold into white slavery.

Of course her parents and her "people" are to blame. She was raised to be a fame whore since she was a tadpole.

Blogger KT said...

totally agree with you on this one.

Blogger Steph said...

The Supertard crew and myself have started a "We still love Britney" club.
Yeah, we think we're still thirteen but fuck it! We loved to dance to her crap music and there isn't a chick alive that didn't want to be her at one point (maybe while drunk and trying to pole dance but that still counts)

I'm sick of the Britney bashers. If she lives through this year, I will be very surprised.

Blogger Lauren said...

You're right. If anyone had any compassion for her, they'd just leave her alone and not sensationalize her "downfall" or whatever they call it.

By the way, "Meat Pole" is an awesome nickname. I wish people would start calling me "Meat Cave." I'd pretend to not like it, but secretly have it embroidered on my pillowcases.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Lauren,
I'm going to call you "Meat Cave" from now on. In fact, I insist that you start a band called "Meat Cave and the Bad Seeds".

Blogger ginonymous said...

fuck RS. they're some of the scumbaf photogs that made her who she is. Go find the RS cover gallery for 1999 (that would have made her about 17) and look at what she's wearing.

i remember because this is back when i subscribed, and i was mortified. daisy duke shorts with "baby" embroidered on the ass? Nice, Mrs. Spears...no, your daughter won't grow up a warped tart. No, no, no..

Blogger Nick said...

Too bad all of us "civilized" folk who won't support their slow methodical murder of Britney are outnumbered 20 to 1 by mouth breathing NASCAR fans and media sycophants who will like what they're told to like.

My deepest fear is that this is all being propagated by the Spears Family (in conjunction with TMZ and Satan) and is the largest pop culture viral/reality/hoax production ever.

Blogger John said...

Britney put herself out there (boy, did she ever) and reaped the reward for years. She chose to make herself a household name. It's ridiculous to blame the tabloids or other media for now covering her meltdown. She made herself newsworthy and milked it for mega-millions. Is anyone actually stupid enough to believe the media will simply ignore her spectacular implosion when so many people will pay to read and/or see it happening? How naive, if so.

Blogger Christine said...

"I wish people would start calling me "Meat Cave." I'd pretend to not like it, but secretly have it embroidered on my pillowcases." Best. Tagline. Ever.

Great post. Very sad for Britney.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

My offer still stands.

Blogger Hot Lemon said...

my most favourite part was waaaaay back when the Church of England used her as a poster child for no nookie before marriage. Funny how you can't find THAT info out there on the 'net anymore...

Blogger Dale said...

Well said. An American tragedy? Sad and trainwrecky but that's about it.

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