Wednesday, February 13, 2008
FUCK YOU, BUDWEISER! and other subjects

Hey, if people enjoy the taste of mass-produced, watery swill beer, good for them. But fuck Budweiser for claiming the brewmaster's high ground in their latest series of commercials.

In these ads, some arrogant schmuck claims that "It's hard to brew an American-style lager, because you can't hide the flaws." Maybe that's true. It's hard to mask flaws in tap water, so it probably isn't easy to mask them in overly carbonated tasteless beer. The douche then goes over the line when he claims "Dark, cloudy beers can easily mask flaws." With what? Flavor? Way to use your billion dollar ad budget to disparage breweries that actually take pride in their craft. A monkey with a spear through his head could brew Budweiser and its cunty counterpoint, Bud Light.

-I pulled up to a McDonald's drive-thru late Saturday night/early Sunday morning and ordered a Big Mac, only to be told they were only serving breakfast. Why is it impossible for McDonald's to serve both breakfast and lunch/dinner at the same time? It isn't like everything is made to order. Can't someone half-assedly slap together the ingredients of my Big Mac and then somehow switch gears and thaw out a biscuit for the guy behind me? I ask too much of society, don't I?

-The next time there's a mayoral election in this town, I'll support the candidate who promises to FUCKING CLEAR THE STREETS AFTER A SNOWSTORM. For some reason, this isn't a priority of the current administration. Next time, I'll be voting for Mr. or Mrs. Plow. I don't care if I'm voting for an embezzling drug runner who doesn't speak English and has a collection of Weekend at Bernie's memorabilia. I want my streets clear, god damn it. (Huh huh...mayoral sounds dirty)


18 Comments:

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

You should just run for mayor. That could be your entire platform. "I'll plow."

Blogger KT said...

pms'ing much? lol.

Blogger J said...

You should've pulled a D-FENS move at McDonald's (ever seen "Falling Down"? hehe)

Blogger Doola! said...

I lose another shred of respect for George Clooney every time I see a Budweiser ad he narrates, asking "When was the last time you had a great beer?"

I donno, George, but I'm sure it didn't have a red and white label or declare itself "The King of Beers."

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

You may remember that there was a big political shift in Chicago in 1979 because our idiot mayor at the time claimed the streets were clear, when people had 3 and 4 feet of snow on our streets.

The thing to do with Budweiser and other lame beers is just pour them directly into the toilet, rather than have them go through your body.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

But Budweiser has real beer flavoring in it!

Blogger ginonymous said...

my BF's little brother drinks Coors light like they're going to stop making it. I may not care for Bud or Bud light, but they beat the everliving shit out of coors light.

on the other hand, the nice people at coors gave me free beer, which earns anyone points in my book.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Happy Valentine's Day, crankypants!

::smooch::

Blogger Steph said...

I love it when you're whiny!

Blogger flounder said...

I think that the pro-plow vote is greatly overlooked in this country.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

Dude, I'm a beer guy by trade...

Budweiser IS the devil, and in the eyes of EVERYONE in the industry that doesn't work for them, they represent all that is soulless and evil.

Everyone that DOES work for them, is an arrogant cocksucker about volume, and shuts the fuck up when you start to argue about diversity and the fact that they ruined the organic beer market.

Fuckin' A I'm all pissed now.

Blogger Nick said...

Clearing streets is a huge problem this year. It's been an awkward winter because the opposite of Global Warming is happening and it's snowed more throughout the North, Midwest and Northwest this year than it has in decades. Winter operating budgets for towns, counties and states have been been set with the last couple dozen winters in mind and this year they've been totally blown away. Maine and North Dakota have run out of ice/snow melter for their streets and don't have a source to buy more in the US. It's supposed to snow 3 more times here in Chicago before this week is over. We already have about 12 to 15 inches of accumulation in non plowed areas.

My sources tell me that Canada is experiencing much of the same, so it's not just our weathermen who suck balls.

So Kudos to you NOAA and your Canadian counterpart.

Blogger John said...

Can't you ban Nick from commenting? Seriously, it's ruining your otherwise first-rate blog.

Blogger Hot Lemon said...

my favourite bud commercial was a year or so ago where they said they HAND PICKED the hops for Bud Select.

Right.

Why that's the sexiest finger I've ever seen!

Blogger JL said...

Bud sucks. Locally, the best draft you can get here is Blue Moon (distributed by the Coors people), and failing that, a bottle of locally brewed stuff or Guinness, complete with the little zappy thing platform.

Oh, by the way, the CO2 cartridges inside Boddington's cans make great tops for your kid to play with while you're sitting at the bar.

I don't know what your distribution setup is like there, but here it's very constricted by 'legalities'. It's hard to get a decent micro-brew in a bar.

Oh, congratulations on being Number Five in the list of America's Most Overlooked Cities.

http://www.shermanstravel.com/destinations/top_ten/Underrated_US_Cities

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

Surger...

That Guinness thing is called a Surger.

Blogger Nick said...

John smells like poop.

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