Thursday, February 21, 2008
The Last Kiss is the worst movie I've ever kinda sorta watched

One night last week, having safely navigated our snow-covered streets on the way home from work, I settled in to do a bit of light reading. I turned on HBO for background noise and The Last Kiss, a 2006 movie starring human spunk-stain Zack Braff, was getting ready to start. I left it on and started reading. Soon, I couldn't help but take notice of the cinematic abortion that was before me.

SPOILER ALERT (Although all Zack Braff fans have had a year and a half to see this shitburger)

The movie begins with Zack going to a friend's wedding with his pregnant girlfriend, played by Real World Paris alumnus Jacinda Barrett. I'll bet after having to pretend to carry Zack Braff's seed, Jacinda begged her agent for an appearance on one of those Real World/Road Rules Challenge shows. Climbing a greased rope while Puck yells misogynist insults would be a piece of cake after this.

Zack Braff's character is - BIG SURPRISE - a self-absorbed douchebag, as are all of his friends. At the wedding reception, he's wandering around being all pseudo-contemplative when he strikes up a conversation with some chick who used to be on The OC (hold on, I'm googling)...Rachel Bilson. He's attracted to her because she's not pregnant and is nine years younger than Jacinda. She's attracted to him because it's in the script and god damn it Rachel if you won't pretend to find Zack Braff interesting then we'll find someone who will!!!

Zack begins to see Rachel (sorry, I didn't bother to learn character names) on the side, although he never has sex with her because that would mean actually fulfilling a need of hers, and he wouldn't want to do that.

One night Jacinda finds out he's been seeing the other girl, goes batshit insane, and tosses Zack out. Sex suddenly becomes very important to him, so he goes and bangs the beeheyzeus out of Rachel. Since rose petals didn't shoot out of her vage while he plowed her, he realizes his mistake and wants Jacinda back.

It should be noted that this entire time Zack Braff is giving the performance of a doped up monkey with a brain tumor. God, he is fucking awful. He should be imprisoned. Really. He's that bad.

Anyway, Zack decides to win Jacinda back by living on her front porch. AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE HIM ARRESTED! She just ignores him. Oh, I almost forgot: She is starting to come around a little bit when Zack decides to tell her "Hey, remember when you threw me out? Your tears weren't even dry and I was balls deep in the other woman, but since her puss didn't shower my cock with frankincense and myrrh I decided to come back to you."

Okay, he doesn't use those exact words, but he tells her he fucked Rachel Bilson. Jacinda goes even batshittier insane. Zack seems annoyed that his "honesty" isn't met with an immediate blow job complete with swallowing.

He continues to sit on her porch, even when it rains. Most of the rest of the movie is Jacinda going about her daily routine while Zack Pussyfart Braff sits on her fucking porch. Finally, they have a weepy conversation through the door and SHE LETS HIM IN.

Was I supposed to be happy with this ending? Was I supposed to be glad that this douchebag was forgiven? Well, I wasn't pleased, to say the least. I wanted the local police to drag him off that porch, drive him to the middle of nowhere, and shoot him execution-style.

A jaunty indie-pop song playing over the credits as vultures picked Zack's bones clean would have been the perfect ending for this film.


15 Comments:

Blogger JL said...

So... you're saying you didn't really like it?

Actually the only sight of the Zack Braff guy is on channel-flipping past SCRUBS, and he does indeed need to be imprisoned or killed. Preferably both.

Blogger Crystal said...

usually character development plays a huge role in movies, but none of the characters had enough substance for me to identify with in the least bit unless you count making me want to scrub my molehole out with a brillo pad.

i was kinda pissed that after sitting through the entire movie listening to everybody whine, it ended when she opened the door and it didn't show her putting her foot inide of him sideways and spinning all signs of doodoofeces out of his cheating ass.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Does anyone who actually HAS a child write movie scripts?

I just wanted to know, since the baby issue didn't seem to be addressed.

And, um, a baby isn't a "relationship issue", but a human being in need of constant attentive care.

I'd really like to see a baby treated like an actual human in a Hollywood production.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Best. Movie review. Ever.

Blogger Scott said...

You have always been enchanted by bad TV. Remember that infomercial "Amazing Discoveries?" We used to stay up til 3 in the morning watch 'Mike Levy' wax a fucking car! We are gluttons for visual punishment.

Blogger KT said...

i concur: awful awful movie.

I pelted skittles at the screen the whole time while watching this movie. Man I really just wanted to shoot him. However, I have to give him credit for at least apologizing. When baby's daddy cheated, he just acted like he'd done nothing wrong and then went back to trying to grab my ass. He deserved to be pelted with boulders if you ask me.

Blogger Hot Lemon said...

fidelity is soooo overrated and causes soooo many problems.

Problems which apparently we decide to turn into entertainment and make movies out of.

Blogger Hot Lemon said...

So I take it you didn't like this film, right?

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I was stupid enough to pay to see this at the movie theater...alone and bitter on a Friday night. Zach Braff owes me eight bucks and an uncut wrist.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

Dude.

Naked Rachel Bilson couldn't redeem that movie.

I wanted to off myself in the theater.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

Agreed, worst movie ever. Ever I say. Zach Braff needs to go away, far far away.

Blogger MOON said...
Blogger MOON said...

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