One night last week, having safely navigated our snow-covered streets on the way home from work, I settled in to do a bit of light reading. I turned on HBO for background noise and The Last Kiss, a 2006 movie starring human spunk-stain Zack Braff, was getting ready to start. I left it on and started reading. Soon, I couldn't help but take notice of the cinematic abortion that was before me.
SPOILER ALERT (Although all Zack Braff fans have had a year and a half to see this shitburger)
The movie begins with Zack going to a friend's wedding with his pregnant girlfriend, played by Real World Paris alumnus Jacinda Barrett. I'll bet after having to pretend to carry Zack Braff's seed, Jacinda begged her agent for an appearance on one of those Real World/Road Rules Challenge shows. Climbing a greased rope while Puck yells misogynist insults would be a piece of cake after this.
Zack Braff's character is - BIG SURPRISE - a self-absorbed douchebag, as are all of his friends. At the wedding reception, he's wandering around being all pseudo-contemplative when he strikes up a conversation with some chick who used to be on The OC (hold on, I'm googling)...Rachel Bilson. He's attracted to her because she's not pregnant and is nine years younger than Jacinda. She's attracted to him because it's in the script and god damn it Rachel if you won't pretend to find Zack Braff interesting then we'll find someone who will!!!
Zack begins to see Rachel (sorry, I didn't bother to learn character names) on the side, although he never has sex with her because that would mean actually fulfilling a need of hers, and he wouldn't want to do that.
One night Jacinda finds out he's been seeing the other girl, goes batshit insane, and tosses Zack out. Sex suddenly becomes very important to him, so he goes and bangs the beeheyzeus out of Rachel. Since rose petals didn't shoot out of her vage while he plowed her, he realizes his mistake and wants Jacinda back.
It should be noted that this entire time Zack Braff is giving the performance of a doped up monkey with a brain tumor. God, he is fucking awful. He should be imprisoned. Really. He's that bad.
Anyway, Zack decides to win Jacinda back by living on her front porch. AND SHE DOESN'T HAVE HIM ARRESTED! She just ignores him. Oh, I almost forgot: She is starting to come around a little bit when Zack decides to tell her "Hey, remember when you threw me out? Your tears weren't even dry and I was balls deep in the other woman, but since her puss didn't shower my cock with frankincense and myrrh I decided to come back to you."
Okay, he doesn't use those exact words, but he tells her he fucked Rachel Bilson. Jacinda goes even batshittier insane. Zack seems annoyed that his "honesty" isn't met with an immediate blow job complete with swallowing.
He continues to sit on her porch, even when it rains. Most of the rest of the movie is Jacinda going about her daily routine while Zack Pussyfart Braff sits on her fucking porch. Finally, they have a weepy conversation through the door and SHE LETS HIM IN.
Was I supposed to be happy with this ending? Was I supposed to be glad that this douchebag was forgiven? Well, I wasn't pleased, to say the least. I wanted the local police to drag him off that porch, drive him to the middle of nowhere, and shoot him execution-style.
A jaunty indie-pop song playing over the credits as vultures picked Zack's bones clean would have been the perfect ending for this film.