Sunday, March 02, 2008
A Day in the Life of Chad, the Alltel Wireless Guy

Let's take a glimpse into the life of Chad, the Alltel Wireless guy.

Chad arrives right on time for his day shift at Alltel. He parks in the designated employee area and makes his way through the strip-mall parking lot.

Chad, to himself: "Jesus, this sun is searing my near-albino flesh. I left my spf 3000 at home."

Suddenly, the four guys who work for competing cell phone companies appear seemingly out of nowhere.

T-Mobile Guy: "Hey, faggot, why don't you sell a phone to the burly lumberjack who fucks you up the ass?"

Chad: "Son of a fuck, will you assholes leave me alone? I'm just trying to go to my shitty job."

Sprint Guy: "Your mother sells her mouth for a nickel, Chad."

AT&T Guy: "Yeah, your mom has the throat clap."

Chad: "Shut the fuck up!"

Verizon Guy: "I hear you use hobo spunk as hair gel, Chad."

Sprint Guy: "And your aunt is one of Osama Bin Laden's wives."

Chad finally makes it into the safe confines of his workplace. He immediately finds the manager on duty.

Chad: "Isn't there anything you can do about the four fucking psychopaths who follow me around the city making my very existence a living hell?"

Manager: "Well, Chad, relentless harassment outside of the workplace is all part of being on the Alltel team."

Chad: "And now they're going after my family. They pelted my parent's house with jugs of rancid Miracle Whip. The Verizon Guy gave my underage sister a titty-twister. They dug up my grandfather's grave and used his skull as a fondue pot."

Manager: "I'm writing in my notebook 'Chad is not a team player.'"

Chad: "I make $8.00 an hour."

Manager: "And you'll never get a raise with that attitude."


Blogger John said...

This entire episode reminded me of the TV Channel teams' gang fight in Anchorman. Also, Nick sucks.

Blogger Nick said...

That's why I've got the throat clap.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Chad still doesn't have it as bad as Verizon customers.

A whole horde of scary people show up every time you use your phone.

Blogger Rachel said...

Using hobo spunk as hair gel is a bad thing?

Well fuck!

Blogger Nereus said...

See what you get for having a service sector job, Pain, agony and complete demoalization. Better off with a sign " will insult you for food" and a grocery cart under the free-way.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Substitute the name "Todd" and you have a day in the life of you.

Blogger Cladeedah said...

Brian and I were laughing so hard, we could barely breathe as we were reading this. You should seriously get paid to write shit that funny.

Holy god I love this series.

Blogger katrocket said...

For the longest time I thought Chad was really Prince Harry slummin' it.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

Having once been a Sprint employee, I do believe the Sprint guy would have come up with something much more vicious to say to Chad. They taught us better than that there.

Blogger dguzman said...

Chad should just be happy he HAS a job. Selfish asshole!

I feel yer pain, Chad... Now, get back to work.

Blogger Steph said...

LMAO! funniest post you've done in a while and you know I'm stealing those insults.

Blogger Übermilf said...

It's Pop-Up Pirate!

Blogger egan said...

I love this very much man. I can't stand those ads so I'm pleased to see this delightful twist. I will never watch those ads the same way again.

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