Thursday, February 28, 2008
A Day in the Life of Annoying Huckster Billy Mays

Billy Mays is a pitchman for a lot of "As Seen on TV" products that you probably don't need, but that's cool; a dude has to make a living. Unfortunately, he SHOUTS DURING THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF THE ADS. Oh, you've heard him. You heard him when you weren't even in the same fucking room as the TV. A lot of us hear his constant scream even in the deep recesses of sleep.

Let's take a look at his home life.

Billy Mays: "HONEY, I'M HOME!"

Long-Suffering Wife: "I know. I heard you singing along with the car radio as you pulled into the driveway."

BM: "HOW WAS YOUR DAY?!"

LSW: "Just fine. I've only had one migraine so far."

BM: "ARE YOU HUNGRY? LET'S GO TO THAT NEW INDIAN RESTAURANT THAT JUST OPENED IN THAT STRIP MALL NEAR THE TARGET STORE. IT'S GOTTEN GREAT..."

LSW (interrupting): "Billy, could you, for once in your fucking life, lower the volume a little? When I inevitably die of a brain hemorrhage you can shout my god damn eulogy, but until then please speak quietly. And shave that beard. Your face looks a seventies porn cunt with teeth."

BM: "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BITCH. THIS LOUD, GRATING VOICE PAID FOR THE SWIMMING POOL IN THE BACK YARD AND THAT ROCK ON YOUR FINGER."

LSW: "Well, I'm filing for divorce before my brain turns to mush. Enjoy shouting at bimbos in single's bars, asshole."

BM: "BUT .... I CAN'T STOP YELLING. I'VE TRIED....(breaks down sobbing). YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY NIGHTS I'VE STOOD IN FRONT OF THE BATHROOM MIRROR WITH A GUN POINTED AT MY HEAD. I'D GIVE UP ALL OF MY ENDORSEMENT DEALS IF I COULD JUST SPEAK IN A CONVERSATIONAL TONE."

LSW: "Honey, I ... I didn't know. I just thought you let your extremely minor fame turn you into a self-parody."

BM: "I'VE SCREAMED FOR SO LONG IN ALL OF THOSE COMMERCIALS THAT I CAN'T TURN IT OFF."

LSW: "Isn't there some kind of operation you can have?"

BM: "NO, THERE'S NOTHING MEDICAL SCIENCE CAN DO TO HELP ME."

LSW: "Well, I can't deal with it. I think killing yourself is the only option."

BM: "I KNOW."

LSW: "Make it look like an accident, though. I could use the insurance money."

Cool. Once he kills himself his autographed picture will be worth a fortune.

Tune in again next week for a day in the life of Carrot Top.


18 Comments:

Blogger Übermilf said...

Maybe Mays and Carrot Top could arrange a murder-suicide pact.

Mays could be found bludgeoned by something comically oversized.

Blogger katrocket said...

"Your face looks a seventies porn cunt with teeth."

That's hilarious! I'm stealing that line tonight - hope ya don't mind. I've been trying to get my man to shave off his disgusting "vacation beard".

Blogger Nick said...

This blog is so vulgar.

Blogger Steph said...

Haaaaaaahaha! I think I'd throw a brick at my TV if that fucker was doing infomercials down here.

Blogger Ambitious Blonde said...

"Your face looks a seventies porn cunt with teeth."

That's awesome. Unless of course you're the poor bastard with vagina dentata of the face.

Say what you want about Billy Mays, he's rich beeeyotch! I saw a segment about him on 60 minutes one time (that's hard hitting tv journalism if I've ever seen it) an he lives in a 20,000 sq.ft. house and drives multiple Bently's. If his wife can keep from killing herself, she has got it made.

Blogger Nick said...

You'd be rich too, Vast, if you were willing to do absolutely anything for a dollar.

Blogger Vache Folle said...

Some people actually are LOUD TALKERS, and Billy Mays could be one of them. Also the bastard who cuts radio ads for MAJOR WORLD AUTO SALES!!!!

We hired a dog trainer many years ago who used a very loud voice trauning the dogs outside and, much to our surprise, continued to shout at us as we convered oabout the training session at the kitchen table. He had one volume: LOUD!

You can still hear Billy's pitch while you are in the bathroom or getting a beer.

Blogger JL said...

I was going to recommend a death by blood poisoning or staph infection after 'accidentally' injuring himself with one of his absurd implements...

Blogger John said...

Do a Day in the Life of Nick next. Naw, on second thought, never mind. Carrot Top's a lot less annoying.

Dora Th' Explorer has the same fucking problem and needs the same fucking solution.

May I just add, "THAT WAS FUCKING BRILLIANT!"

Blogger Nick said...

John's got some sand in his vagina, apparently.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

New candidate for shovel justice!

Blogger jesse said...

This seems slightly inappropiate for the time, but still funny as hell. R.I.P.- Loud, obnoxious, douche bag.

Blogger 新年快樂 said...
Blogger 新年快樂 said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger 新年快樂 said...

Post a Comment

<< Home

footer