Billy Mays is a pitchman for a lot of "As Seen on TV" products that you probably don't need, but that's cool; a dude has to make a living. Unfortunately, he SHOUTS DURING THE ENTIRE LENGTH OF THE ADS. Oh, you've heard him. You heard him when you weren't even in the same fucking room as the TV. A lot of us hear his constant scream even in the deep recesses of sleep.
Let's take a look at his home life.
Billy Mays: "HONEY, I'M HOME!"
Long-Suffering Wife: "I know. I heard you singing along with the car radio as you pulled into the driveway."
BM: "HOW WAS YOUR DAY?!"
LSW: "Just fine. I've only had one migraine so far."
BM: "ARE YOU HUNGRY? LET'S GO TO THAT NEW INDIAN RESTAURANT THAT JUST OPENED IN THAT STRIP MALL NEAR THE TARGET STORE. IT'S GOTTEN GREAT..."
LSW (interrupting): "Billy, could you, for once in your fucking life, lower the volume a little? When I inevitably die of a brain hemorrhage you can shout my god damn eulogy, but until then please speak quietly. And shave that beard. Your face looks a seventies porn cunt with teeth."
BM: "LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, BITCH. THIS LOUD, GRATING VOICE PAID FOR THE SWIMMING POOL IN THE BACK YARD AND THAT ROCK ON YOUR FINGER."
LSW: "Well, I'm filing for divorce before my brain turns to mush. Enjoy shouting at bimbos in single's bars, asshole."
BM: "BUT .... I CAN'T STOP YELLING. I'VE TRIED....(breaks down sobbing). YOU DON'T KNOW HOW MANY NIGHTS I'VE STOOD IN FRONT OF THE BATHROOM MIRROR WITH A GUN POINTED AT MY HEAD. I'D GIVE UP ALL OF MY ENDORSEMENT DEALS IF I COULD JUST SPEAK IN A CONVERSATIONAL TONE."
LSW: "Honey, I ... I didn't know. I just thought you let your extremely minor fame turn you into a self-parody."
BM: "I'VE SCREAMED FOR SO LONG IN ALL OF THOSE COMMERCIALS THAT I CAN'T TURN IT OFF."
LSW: "Isn't there some kind of operation you can have?"
BM: "NO, THERE'S NOTHING MEDICAL SCIENCE CAN DO TO HELP ME."
LSW: "Well, I can't deal with it. I think killing yourself is the only option."
BM: "I KNOW."
LSW: "Make it look like an accident, though. I could use the insurance money."
Cool. Once he kills himself his autographed picture will be worth a fortune.
Tune in again next week for a day in the life of Carrot Top.