Sunday, March 16, 2008
A Day in the Life of Hitler's Personal Assistant, Gunther
Today we're going back to 1940s Germany to take a look at Hitler's personal assistant, Gunther.

Hitler: "Gunther, cancel my 2pm. I'm swamped."

Gunther: "Yes sir, Mr. Hitler."

Hitler: "And confirm my 7pm dinner with Herman Goering. Jesus, that portly fucking Kraut can eat! (pauses) How does my moustache look, Gunther?"

Gunther: "Oh, fantastic, sir."


Gunther: "Yes, it's very square, sir."

Hitler: "Good. My last barber, I had to have him killed because of his moustache trimming shortcomings."

Gunther: "Yes, sir, I know. Joseph was my neighbor."

Hitler: "Gunther, are you suggesting I was wrong to have him killed?"

Gunther: "Oh, no sir! Even though he was a loving and devoted husband and father, he was a barbarian with those scissors and deserved to die."

Hitler: "That's the spirit. Oh, and Gunther, why does my new secretary have brown eyes?"

Gunther: "Mrs. Jennings? She was the best qualified applicant. She has solid references, a professional resume, and she can type 120 words-per-minute."

Hitler: "Oh, why didn't you say so? That's some impressive typing...NOW TAKE THIS LUGER, SHOOT THAT BITCH IN THE HEAD AND GET ME A BLUE-EYED SECRETARY!!!"

Gunther: "Yes sir."

Hitler: "And send her family a fruit basket. Write a nice note and sign my name."

Gunther: "That's very generous, sir."

Hitler: "Did I say 'fruit basket'? I meant 'death squad'."

I couldn't think of a good way to end this, so if it makes you feel better, just assume that Gunther warned the secretary to gather her family and leave town. If you want the family to fly to safety on a winged unicorn, knock yourself out.


I can only hope that Joseph gave him a "Shitler!"

Blogger Tray said...

Is a shitler a german dirty sanchez?

Yes it is!

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I think you made this up.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Were winged unicorns a genetic Nazi creation?

Blogger Übermilf said...

this is historically inaccurate

I dunno-- seemed fine w/o the epilogue to me...

Blogger dguzman said...

you're a generous bastard, you know that?

Blogger Steph said...

Well that was cheerful!

I know this is off topic, but I just saw Larry the fucking cable guy on a nutrisystem commercial with Dan Marino actually saying Git R done. I wanted to put my eyes out with an ice pick.

Blogger WendyB said...


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Blogger Übermilf said...

Ha! This post is likeable!

Blogger FRITZ said...

I have nothing witty to say. But I am glad to see we've moved past the whole 'six million dead Jews' to 'Hitler is a funny person' perspective. It shows growth and evolution, I think.

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