Saturday, May 03, 2008
My Date With Amy Holmes

I previously wrote of my inappropriate lust for right-wing political pundit Amy Holmes. Well, imagine my surprise and delight when she responded to my incessant emails and agreed to go on a date with me.

(Note: This picture of Amy isn't from our date, due to a strict no cameras policy. I'm guessing this photo is circa 2002 and she's being Avril Lavigne for Halloween.)

Amy currently lives in Washington, DC on a street with the other right-wing political pundits. When she said she'd arrange transportation I was sure she'd send some sort of Republican private jet to pick me up.

After being robbed at gunpoint at the Greyhound station in Louisville and having to sit on a smelly bus next to these guys for twelve hours, I arrived in DC and was picked up by Amy's manservant, Rubimar. He knocked me unconscious and drove to Dick Cheney's secret lair, where I was to attend a party as Amy's guest.

It was odd being the only liberal at a Dick Cheney party. Some items of note from the event:

-I counted three guys who committed suicide rather than slow dance with Ann Coulter.

-Cheney is the human personification of evil and all that, but his bartender makes a fucking great Manhattan.

-Sean Hannity is dating Amy Winehouse. Everyone was all "Get a room, you two."

-You want to see people scatter? Wait until Larry Craig walks into a men's room.

-Newt Gingrich will only drink a special martini made with Stoli Elite vodka and children's tears.

-Since the only Republican in show business, Dennis Miller, had a gig in Vegas that night, the entertainment was Mike Huckabee's biblical puppet show (The gay puppet went to hell).

-John McCain couldn't make it, but angrily called his wife "cunt" in a videotaped message.

-Amy Holmes prefers nine inches, but she'll settle for seven inches and a finger up her ass.


Ah, Newt is drinking the "Taste of Unfathomable Sadness Martini." It has been a favorite of mine for years. Was he wearing the full length coat made from endangered Silver Back Gorilla pelts I gave him? Did you give Amy the shocker?

Blogger John said...

Todd's got jungle fever. He's got jungllllle feeeeever.

Thank goodness I'm not the only progressive guy who wants to bang this broad until she cries "Uncle."

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

She looks like the kind of girl you could bring home to mom.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Did you say, "What up, Holmes?"

I bet she'd love that.

Blogger jesse said...

It makes me glad to see more people like you making dry humor funny again. I envy you.

Blogger Nick said...

I don't know if I would consider "seven inches and a finger up her ass" 'dry humor'. Whatever it is, it's still funny.

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