My Date With Amy Holmes

I previously wrote of my inappropriate lust for right-wing political pundit Amy Holmes. Well, imagine my surprise and delight when she responded to my incessant emails and agreed to go on a date with me.

(Note: This picture of Amy isn't from our date, due to a strict no cameras policy. I'm guessing this photo is circa 2002 and she's being Avril Lavigne for Halloween.)

Amy currently lives in Washington, DC on a street with the other right-wing political pundits. When she said she'd arrange transportation I was sure she'd send some sort of Republican private jet to pick me up.

After being robbed at gunpoint at the Greyhound station in Louisville and having to sit on a smelly bus next to these guys for twelve hours, I arrived in DC and was picked up by Amy's manservant, Rubimar. He knocked me unconscious and drove to Dick Cheney's secret lair, where I was to attend a party as Amy's guest.

It was odd being the only liberal at a Dick Cheney party. Some items of note from the event:

-I counted three guys who committed suicide rather than slow dance with Ann Coulter.

-Cheney is the human personification of evil and all that, but his bartender makes a fucking great Manhattan.

-Sean Hannity is dating Amy Winehouse. Everyone was all "Get a room, you two."

-You want to see people scatter? Wait until Larry Craig walks into a men's room.

-Newt Gingrich will only drink a special martini made with Stoli Elite vodka and children's tears.

-Since the only Republican in show business, Dennis Miller, had a gig in Vegas that night, the entertainment was Mike Huckabee's biblical puppet show (The gay puppet went to hell).

-John McCain couldn't make it, but angrily called his wife "cunt" in a videotaped message.

-Amy Holmes prefers nine inches, but she'll settle for seven inches and a finger up her ass.