Friday, May 30, 2008
An Incomplete List of Things That Suck
In the past I've bitched and moaned about the all-encompassing suckiness of hugely popular entities such as Dane Cook, Olive Garden, Jay Leno, Budweiser, and Wal-Mart. These are your run of the mill shit stains on society's carpet, but it's only the beginning. This carpet has more stains than Bea Arthur's undies, folks. Here's just a few more:

Pizza Hut/Papa John's/Domino's
This is truly the Unholy Trinity of Shitty Pizza. Oh, you can deliver greasy cardboard right to my door? That's just swell. I'd rather drive to get an edible pizza, and I hate driving! These three places always have to come up with gimmicks to mask the fact that their pizzas are the Pies of the Damned. "Should we get Pizza Hut's new Lava-Hot Tasteless Cheese in the Crust pizza, Papa John's Smoked Gristle and Fiberglass Insulation pizza, or Domino's Banality of Evil with Mushrooms pizza? Oh, the choices!"

Pepsi is a distant second to Coke, but that still means millions of people drink this overly sweet swill on a daily basis. Pepsi was recently named The Official Soft Drink of Meth Addicts, so they have that going for them.

The Dave Matthews Band
Good lord this is horrible music. Why is it popular? Why, I ask? It's tuneless carny music with a tourettes sufferer on lead vocals. And their concerts draw a gaggle of trust fund hippies who smell like the conversation pit at Wavy Gravy's house.

Derek Jeter
I'll admit that this one is based on pure, unadulterated jealousy. No, I'm not jealous because he's the shortstop of the New York Yankees; I don't give a fuck about that. I'm envious of the women he's banged! His list of ex-girlfriends reads like a Poon Hall of Fame: Jessica Alba, Scarlett Johansson, Jessica Biel, Mariah Carey (crazy but hot), and MTV's cuter-than-fuck Vanessa Minnillo. And those are just the famous ones. In 2001 he dated Miss Universe. Miss Universe! By law, I'm not allowed to be in the same state as Miss Universe at any time, but Derek Jeter was fucking her. So yeah, I'm jealous.

Any religion that wants to knock on my door and convert me
I'm talking to you, Mormons! And you, Jehovah's Witnesses! I'm all for freedom of religion, but I'm also for freedom of sleeping late on my day off. LEAVE ME ALONE.

Mormons, there's a sale on short-sleeve dress shirts at JC Penney's, so grab a glass of milk and ride your bikes over to the mall. Jehovah's Witnesses, isn't there an upcoming holiday you won't allow your poor, miserable children to celebrate? Shouldn't you be not planning for that?

And don't think I've forgotten about you, crazy evangelical preaching on a street corner! If I'm in the Highlands neighborhood and the only thing between me and Indian food is a disheveled vagrant speaking in tongues, I'm going to avoid him like Dick Cheney avoided combat during the Vietnam era (Damn, this wasn't going to be political).

Hell's Kitchen
This probably isn't even one of the top twenty most annoying reality shows, but there's one thing that bugs me about it: How come no one's ever taken a big swing at that loudmouth fuck chef? Seriously, why are grown-ups afraid of a British guy named Gordon? Lennox Lewis is the only Brit an adult should ever be afraid of.

Of course, they stock his show with emotionally fragile culinary students who are scared of life in general. One day ol' Gordo is gonna yell at a grizzled dude who owns a crawfish shack on the Bayou, and he's going to get a vicious beat-down. I only hope the cameras are rolling at the time.


Blogger country roads said...

I'd like to add Kentucky Fried Chicken and their ad people. Like on the newest one for the spicy pigeon, the people are sitting around on a sailboat eating a bucket of rubbery meat. Really? I might use that shit as bait for crabs (in the water, not from the girl on the next boat over) but I doubt seriously I'd be living it up with my 8 piece and a biscuit.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I would like to add "Sex in the City."

Blogger dizzy von damn! said...

yeah, this list is WAY incomplete.

Tons of funny stuff here bro. You should tell your readers about the "Pepsi Challenge Affair," as it came to be known at KY Kingdom. Pure hilarity.

Blogger Dutch said...

you think you hate derek jeter? I had to go to high school with him.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

Great list!

I've worked in the restaurant business for nearly 30 years and have never seen a chef act like that; restaurants are desperate for people who will work the insane hours and huge workload. I've seen more than one cook walk off the job.

Blogger jesse said...

Great list, but I think the number 1 over-rated program on television is America's Next Top Model. 15 seasons of pure insanity, and with 15 next top models, is anybody really the next top model? There's like 3 damn seasons each year! Oh, and get some good looking women every onmce in awhile. I'm excluding Adrian Curry.

Blogger onewaybanter said...

In an effort to maintain our peaceful relations, I will attribute your Dave Matthew's comment to temporary insanity...*hangs head in shame*

Blogger Blonde said...

Coke is changing their recipe again according to an AP report so Pepsi might move up in the ranks.

I am going to see DMB with friends this week, but I am not a fan. I am going to pick up hot ass because it is a sausagefest.

Rock on.

Blogger John said...

Very clever how you craftily avoided all mention of WATERMELON STEALERS. Yes, I still wear a full body shroud of righteous indignation. If you kick before me, rest assured your tombstone will regularly be vandalized by melon rinds and spit seeds. Where are my meds, damnit.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I agree with everything on your list, except that I heart Gordon Ramsay and object to your Bea Arthur slander. Her panties are pristine.

Blogger Lil Sass said...

Hahahaha, today I totally spotted 2 mormon missionaries from a mile away. It's 90 degrees out and they're wearing true douchebaggery uniforms....those short sleeved dress shirts slay me!

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