Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Let's Look at the Numbers
On Tuesday Kentucky held its Democratic Presidential Primary. As predicted for months, Hillary Clinton won by an overwhelming margin. Barack Obama only won two cities in the entire state, Louisville and Lexington. This further proves my Red State PF Chang's Theory. If a town in a "red state" is big enough to have a PF Chang's China Bistro, there's a chance the people who live there aren't afraid of voting for a black guy.

Let's look at the final results:

President - Dem Primary
3532 of 3532 Precincts Reporting - 100%

NamePartyVotesVote %
Clinton, HillaryDem459,12465%

Obama, BarackDem209,77830%

UncommittedDem18,0593%

Edwards, JohnDem14,2052%

Okay, if you actually got in your car and drove to a polling location to vote "Uncommitted", FUCK YOU. You know what effectively announces to the world that you're uncommitted? Staying home.

And John Edwards needs to buy new cars for each of his 14,205 Kentucky stalkers. They are committed to the extreme. I wonder how many of them just had to vote for a white male, no matter what? Better still, I wonder how many were just unaware that Edwards dropped out of the race months ago?

When I went to vote I encountered the world's oldest precinct worker. This woman still had Arc splinters in her knees from when she blew Noah. She looked at my identification, then directed me to sign the voter sheet on a line marked for someone named "Jessica Harris". I ignored her and signed next to my name. The following conversation actually happened:

Old woman: "You signed on the wrong line."

Me (looking again, just in case): "No ma'am, I believe I signed on the line next to my name."

Old woman: "Well, you are Jessica Harris, right?" (What the fuck?!)

Me: "No. Remember, you just looked at my ID?"

Holy Voting Irregularities, Batman! Either this woman was fucking incompetent or Jessica Harris is the ugliest female ever. I wonder how many voters ol' Cream of Wheat for Brains unwittingly disenfranchised? She needs to retire to Florida, where this sort of negligence is encouraged and rewarded.


13 Comments:

Blogger dizzy von damn! said...

i love that you posted about this. my friend commented in some sort of shock that obama had gotten his ass kicked in kentucky, and i was like, "well yeah. hillbillies and black people are not so much with the mixy."

That's a huge bitch!

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

I think you'd make a lovely "Jessica."

Blogger flounder said...

Personally I think that the Dems should give John Edwards another look, Jess.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

I'll bet anything ol' Ark splinters voted "Uncommitted" because she thought it said "Taft."

Blogger Ambitious Blonde said...

Ever wonder if the weather's pretty on their planet?

I had "Ark Splinters" sister check me in when I voted earlier this year. I told her my name three times and I was still "Mallory" in her universe.

Blogger John said...

Hey, I know... let's give the job of making sure the right people are voting to senile oldsters. OOOOH! While we're at it, let's let the stupidest mofos in our communities - the ones who can't think up a blatantly obvious excuse - sit on juries and decide the fates of us all should we ever get arrested. Jesus Tapdancing Key-RIST! I need a mojito.

Blogger onewaybanter said...

LOL! biblical allusions always make my day...nice to be back, my friend :)

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

I'm with John!

I can't believe I just said that.

Blogger E Flo said...

I said right on so many times while reading this post.

Blogger E Flo said...

I said right on so many times while reading this post.

Blogger Jo said...

Red State P.F. Chang theory... very clever, that.

Blogger poet1b said...

Yeah, but Obama is as big of an elitist douche bag as GW. In fact, the two are practically reflections on a negative kind of basis, and I am talking liberal and conservative here, don't go there. GW wants to spend all our money overseas fighting wars, and Obama wants to send all our money overseas to third world dictators who will start wars. Either way we get hosed. I guess this makes me a gun toting, bible thumping, racist like the rest of us blue collar white guys.

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