Monday, November 17, 2008
No Country for Fat Men
So far in life I've been "lucky" enough to have lived in cities - Louisville, Las Vegas, Louisville again - that have their share of fatties.

Las Vegas is world famous for its nightclub scene that brings in "beautiful" people from around the world, but thanks to an abundance of affordable buffets at neighborhood casinos, the local populace leans toward the pleasantly plump. Louisville embraces both the deep-fried cuisine of the South and the doughy, carb-infused diet of the Midwest to create a Perfect Storm of fat-assity. So even though I'm way too tall to ever really blend in, at least I've never stuck out like the proverbial turd in a punchbowl.

That wouldn't be the case if I lived in or even visited Burlington, Vermont, which was recently voted America's Fittest City. I read about their victory over the weekend and later had a hazy, bourbon-fueled dream about being there.

In the dream, I'm leaving a Target store when I'm approached by a young man wearing too much plaid. He stares at me with an accusatory look in his eyes, so I engage him in conversation. My dialogue is in bold.

"Can I help you?"

"Sir, are you trying to smuggle a down comforter out of this place of business?"

"What?, no I'm not. That's my stomach."

"Really? However is that possible?"

"I regularly take in more calories than I burn, and over time that leads to increased body fat."

"Good lord, I've not heard of such a thing. You should stop doing that, as it renders you rather oafish looking, if I may be so bold."

"You don't ever overeat?"

"On the rare occasion when I allow a dollop of maple syrup on my johnnycakes, I'll compensate by running an additional two miles that evening. You see, good sir, a healthy...(Frantically points to someone behind me) OH MY GOD! WHY IS THAT MAN'S SKIN SO DARK?"

"He's a black guy. You know, African-American..."

"Oh. Oh, yes...I've seen his type on television. Obama is black, no?"

"Yeah. Not a lot of diversity in Burlington, huh?"

"But this gentleman is so much...darker, for lack of a better word."

"A person with two African-American parents tends to have darker skin than folks with only one."

"Utterly fascinating. Care to elaborate?"

"No, this is only a dream, so now I have to wake up and go to work."

"And that is when the real nightmare begins, my corpulent friend."

"No shit."


Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Even in your dreams you get no respect.

That's surprising. I thought those damn Vermont hippies would eat more maple syrup.

Blogger CarpeDM said...

Oh dear God. That is quite possibly the oddest dream ever.* Quite funny though. They would accuse me of trying to smuggle out the down comforter and a couple of pillows as well.

*Although I might win that title for the time I dreamt about scary alien Jesus who shot fire out of his stomach.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

With all the cheese produced in Vermont, I bet they have their share of clogged arteries.

Blogger Rachel said...

Surely you should have some pointers for my upcoming trip to Vegass, right?



Blogger Debra said...

leaning toward corpulence *snorkle, chortle, snicker* grins, debra

Blogger Brunhilda said...

"a Perfect Storm of fat-assity"

Oh hell. I'm laughing my ass off. Too bad I fear I am a victim, but that still does not diminish my laughter.

Blogger Cheysu said...

If you have ever driven in Burlington, VT in a regular 2 wheel drive car, you'd know that you'll expend a year's calories just pushing your car up the frikken mountains.

...Or running down the mountain after the emergency brake fails and your car leaves without you.

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