Monday, December 15, 2008
Christmas Gifts for People You Hate
Obviously, the best thing about the holiday season is the ability to use the act of giving to punish your enemies. Here are a few new weapons for the arsenal.

Ryan Leaf is widely considered the biggest bust in the history of the NFL, so why wouldn't a sports fan want his autographed jersey? Perhaps because it would infest his dwelling with abject failure? And the jersey only costs $449. Strangely, the price jumps to $700 if it ISN'T signed by Ryan Leaf.

For the book lover you can't fucking stand, how about Through the Storm: A Real Story of Fame and Family in a Tabloid World, by Lynne Spears.

Without reading a word of this tome, I can safely say that Lynn Spears is to literature what Wilt Chamberlin was to monogamy.

And how did Bryan Spears' name get on the cover? I never even knew he existed until this very moment. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure he's as vapid and useless as his sisters, but his name ain't selling any books.

For the music lover you loathe, there's The Many Facets of Roger. From the looks of it, all of his "facets" involve him saying "Where's my money, bitch? You got my money?"

If you know (and hate) a single woman, particularly one who just went through an ugly break up, there isn't a better way to say "You'll probably die alone" than the gift of the Boyfriend Pillow.

Hey, look how close that hand is to tit. The Boyfriend Pillow is getting more action than I'm getting, that's for sure.

Do you know someone who crosses the line between film buff and insufferable prick? Give that Fellini-watchin' fucker Cool as Ice for Christmas.

I can't believe this wasn't a trilogy. Why did the powers that be deny us two more servings of ice? Oh, because Cool as Ice was a commercial and critical disaster that ruined the careers of everyone associated with it? Okay.

If you're a hipster, odds are you know a heroin addict. Dude, heroin is so 1991; your pal might as well be tooling around in a flannel and a pair of Doc Martens. Save his social life by giving him this horrific poster, reminding him that when he shoots up, he's sticking a needle in the arm of Jesus.

Note: This is the worst thing I've ever seen and makes me want to start doing drugs to forget it exists.


I for one would love to get Jesus hooked on smack and for good measure crystal meth as well. Then we could all enjoy his intervention on A & E.

Blogger foundinidaho said...

I love the fact that someone thinks people would pay ANY amount of money for a Ryan Leaf jersey, signed or not. Oh wait, these are the same people that think W.'s presidency is a resounding success.

Very funny stuff - the Jesus poster is indeed horrific.

Blogger dizzy von damn! said...

that pillow is terrible, but the poster is AMAZING. i want one pretty badly.

Blogger Burfica said...

OMG those are horrible!!!! Maybe I can get them for my inlaws. hhahahahaha

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

The first CD I ever bought was the "Cool as Ice" soundtrack in 1991, for $20 at Kmart. I'd never even heard of the movie (and still haven't seen it), so I thought this was a new Ice album. It even had those long cardboard cases CDs used to come in. Remember those? The title track is a duet with NAOMI CAMPBELL, ferchrissakes, and she outshines him by far.

I don't know how my dad and brother didn't physically restrain me from buying this damn thing. Of course my brother bought MC Hammer's first album that day, so there you go.

In the typically eloquent words of Ice, "Cause I'm all bout fun on the run / I just take each girl one by one." Oh, and "Goddamn I'll be so hot I'll have to walk with a fan." Guess he's got to find a fan first.

Blogger Ambitious Blonde said...

What the crap is up with the Jesus picture? That shit is scary as hell, which is coincidentally where I'm going for laughing at Monkey's comment.

Oh well. At least it's above zero there.

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

All I want for Christmas is an Illinois senate seat.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Nick's stocking is going to be FULL.

I was at a Chargers game and some guy converted his LEAF jersey into a QUEAF Jersey. It doesn't have to be spelled right to be hilarious.

Blogger Debra said...

i couldn't decide which was the most deserving of caustic remarks; til i got to the end. the shooting up jesus's arm's gotta take it, hands down.

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