Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Notes from the M-TV Movie Awards
Sunday morning I got "breakfast" at My Favorite Muffin and came home to watch a rebroadcast of the M-TV Movie Awards. I took notes.

Preshow: M-TV must want to expose Nicole Ritchie as the most anorexic famous-for-nothing girl in Hollywood, because they've paired her with rapper Fat Joe. Standing next to one another, they look like the number 10.

Don't pay your bills next month for the world is surely ending: Host Jimmy Fallon just said something funny. It wasn't as funny as he thought it was, but it was still funny.

Lindsay Lohan just won an award, along with the cast of "Mean Girls." It doesn't help her cause to stand next to her hot, still curvaceous, non-pill poppin' co-stars.

Eminem takes the stage. It starts out promising as he dances with rap ho puppets who have giant tits and asses, but then he starts singing about his daughter again. Congrats, Slim Shady, you're the only person to ever reproduce.

The star of "Napoleon Dynamite" receives an award from Jessica Alba. He has the perfect opportunity to hug Jessica and possibly cop a cheap feel but he just takes the trophy-thing and starts his speech. Life does imitate art; he's really as clueless as his movie character.

Mariah "Crazy as a Shit-house Rat" Carey performs. See, Lindsay, Mariah's living proof you can be a spoiled basketcase and still keep those huge blouse balloons.

Okay, Dakota Fanning freaks me out. She's otherworldly well-spoken. Is she a child or a dwarf?

Hillary Swank (maybe the worst name ever) introduces a tribute to "The Breakfast Club." Some unspeakably awful pop-punk band butchers that "Don't You Forget About Me" song. Do they grow these shitty bands in some field in the midwest? Anyway, some of the stars of the movie come out and blather on. Judd Nelson and Emilio Estevez are absent, but aren't missed. To complete the eighties theme, Lindsay Lohan does a line of coke off of Molly Ringwald's tits.

Katie Holmes gives an award to Tom Cruise. Oh, there's nothing more spirit-draining than a fake Hollywood relationship. I do think it's sweet that Katie is remaining a virgin until she falls in love with a heterosexual.

Foo Fighters play. Every mediocre note is another drop of piss on Kurt Cobain's legacy.

A lot of other stuff happened but it bored the life out of me. I didn't talk much about who won what, did I? I'm way too old for this channel. I'm going to drink a beer and listen to Veruca Salt's "American Thighs" CD.


16 Comments:

Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

I always thought Keith Sweat was the worst name ever.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

Hey now...leave the Foo Fighters be..we usually agree but I'm a fan. If I were in the UK I would say you're 'spot on' about Jessica Alba. I screamed at the TV (as if he would've heard me) 'Why didn't you grab her you imbecile.' I would not let that oppurtunity pass.

Blogger ago-go said...

how the fuck can you accept an award from jessica alba and not at least try to cop a feel? my god, i'd be wearing my blue t-shirt and slipping her my fucking phone number! what was she wearing, how did she look? was she all glowy? do tell!

and dakota fanning is a robot.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I was disappointed that MTV pussed out and wouldn't let NIN perform with that banner of the Anti-Christ in the background. Is MTV now worried about upsetting the Cheney crowd? The religious right? .. Fuck MTV; it's just become a channel for rich spoiled teen fucks to go on and whine about the shit they have/don't have. Fuse is about 100 times better; but they still have the whiney fucks too.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

And Jessica is hot as always ... I would hope we would all grab her ass if ever that close to her.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I would have pawed Jessica so long the orchestra would have played me off the stage. They would have gone to commercial and I would have still had a handful of ass.

Ago, she was wearing a black dress, I think. Whenever I see her my glasses fog up.

Blogger Harley Quinn said...

I always thought Molly Ringworm..er...wald was the worst name.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Great list, yournamehere! I only saw the Breakfast Club montage, and only then because I was coerced. But it all sounds about right!

As for Jessica Alba...that dummy didn't hug her? Was he in character?

Blogger lynze83 said...

Funny stuff. This isnt a actor or anything but this guy i work with his name is Mike Litiris ( sounds like my clitiris) and thats his real name and he has a jr too so 2 lil mike litiris's running around.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I stopped watching MTV when MTV stopped playing videos. I think that was around 1993.

Blogger Ruben said...

I stopped watching MTV all together. It's only so much Simpsons, Barkers and PImp my ride a person can take before they snap and take to the street.

Blogger Jaxe said...

What's MTV? And as far as bad names go, put me down for: Engelbert Humperdink...*ewwwwww* I mean... c'mon!

Blogger bikipatra said...

awww you made me nostalgic. It has been so long since anyone snorted coke off my busoms...

Blogger katarina said...

I'm surprised Michael Jackson didn't stroll in with Mariah Carey. To me, they'd be a perfect couple. Who knows, maybe he would've presented himself with another award.

Blogger Rob Danger said...

I did my very own MTV Movie Award rap up but I assure it pales in comparison with yours! That was absolute GOLD!
I couldn't agree with you more, on, like, EVERYTHING. Besides being unecessary that Breakfast Club tribute song and moment were equally painful.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Dakota Fanning's teeth fucking freak me out.

How much money does that kid have to make before her mother or publicist will invest in some orthodonture?

I mean jesus, what is she, 10? Someone give that kid a fucking toothbrush and tell her to stop with the smoking and coffee drinking already.

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