When I was younger I'd listen to music with friends and the topic of "selling out" would always come up. It was important to everyone involved that our favorite musicians would never compromise their art. What a bunch of self-righteous fucks we were.
A perfect example of an artist accused of selling out is Liz Phair. In the nineties Liz made low-hi, personal albums on an independent record label. A few years ago she signed with Warner Brothers and put out a highly polished, slick pop CD. Well good for her. Liz is a single mom in her late thirties; maybe she got tired of touring in a run-down van and eating ramein noodles every fucking night.
The point I'm trying to make is: I want to sell out, damn it! If this blog was more popular, I'd whore it out like I was Bobby and it was Whitney. I'd flood the marketplace with viva las vegASS merchandise. There would be vegASS t-shirts and hats and toilet paper and feminine hygiene products. I'd place the vegASS logo on a diesel-fueled dildo with a kick stand and a side car if it put coin in my pocket.
"Yes," the concerned reader says, "but surely you would never compromise the content of your blog." Oh, that is laughable. If a giant corporation wants to underwrite my blog, I'll be on my knees sucking the flaccid, diseased cock of big business faster than you can say "Jenna Jameson". People will wonder, "Why does Todd keep mentioning Baskin Robbins in all of his posts?" Because I'm getting paid, bitches. Yes, Bill Hicks is one of my idols and he said "Once you do a commercial you're off of the artistic roll call forever." True, but guess what? I'm not on the artistic roll call now! I'm a guy who writes this when I'm not at a job that I hate. Pay me for doing nothing, America. My sense of entitlement threatens to take over my soul.
Please, corporate vipers at the gates of hell, make me one of your minions. I want to metaphorically mate with you and spawn your hellish brood. Integrity my ass, I'll hawk cigarettes shaped like pacifiers if it means I don't have to go to work the next morning.
A perfect example of an artist accused of selling out is Liz Phair. In the nineties Liz made low-hi, personal albums on an independent record label. A few years ago she signed with Warner Brothers and put out a highly polished, slick pop CD. Well good for her. Liz is a single mom in her late thirties; maybe she got tired of touring in a run-down van and eating ramein noodles every fucking night.
The point I'm trying to make is: I want to sell out, damn it! If this blog was more popular, I'd whore it out like I was Bobby and it was Whitney. I'd flood the marketplace with viva las vegASS merchandise. There would be vegASS t-shirts and hats and toilet paper and feminine hygiene products. I'd place the vegASS logo on a diesel-fueled dildo with a kick stand and a side car if it put coin in my pocket.
"Yes," the concerned reader says, "but surely you would never compromise the content of your blog." Oh, that is laughable. If a giant corporation wants to underwrite my blog, I'll be on my knees sucking the flaccid, diseased cock of big business faster than you can say "Jenna Jameson". People will wonder, "Why does Todd keep mentioning Baskin Robbins in all of his posts?" Because I'm getting paid, bitches. Yes, Bill Hicks is one of my idols and he said "Once you do a commercial you're off of the artistic roll call forever." True, but guess what? I'm not on the artistic roll call now! I'm a guy who writes this when I'm not at a job that I hate. Pay me for doing nothing, America. My sense of entitlement threatens to take over my soul.
Please, corporate vipers at the gates of hell, make me one of your minions. I want to metaphorically mate with you and spawn your hellish brood. Integrity my ass, I'll hawk cigarettes shaped like pacifiers if it means I don't have to go to work the next morning.
21 Comments:
Speaking of selling out, any luck with your "make a donation" button?
everyone would sell out for the opportunity to not have to get up to go to work in the morning.
How odd, cookiepuss. I was just thinking about that this morning as I called in to work to tell them I was going to be late because my tit got caught in the disposal.
I'm sorry... forgot what I was going to write with the image of my nipple being ground up in the disposal clouding my mind. Ow.
Anyway, I'd like to be a double agent; take the money from the big corporations and write revolutionary comments using a psuedonym. Can I do that?
Don't think of it as "selling out," so much as "buying in."
I would totally buy vegASS feminine hygiene products.
Take the money and run! I don't look down on sell-outs (Snopp Dogg comes to mind, he's done some commercials), and I'd do the same if I ever got a chance.
I applaud your honesty and I'll totally wear a vegASS hat.
LOL!! Thanks for the chuckle.
This sounds like cry for help. I am sure some of your readers can design t-shirts, mugs, bumper stickers and all sorts of shit for you Todd.
I am happy you used the word flaccid correctly. That isn't always the case with some folks. I would totally sell out too if I could. My sponsor choice would be the 700 Club.
belle,
I was able to get my car fixed. I emailed a "thanks" to everyone but one person whose email address was invalid. So, if you donated to me and didn't receive a personal thank you, that's why. And thank you.
Also, I would like to ask that anyone with extra money give it to Katrina victims. I don't need any more.
blonde,
you're damn right. Getting up in the morning blows.
mr. carson,
the sell out line stretches from New York to L.A., but the buying line is much smaller.
pusboy,
you were always my role model for integrity.
mollyn.,
feel free to join in if you'd like.
crystal,
I like the word cookiepuss because...oh, never mind. I can't do it.
ubermajesty,
of course you can. Rage Against the Machine's inflamatory music and rebelious lifestyle was brought to us by the good folks at Sony.
shannon,
is that supposed to make me feel like less of a whore? Yea, it worked!
Ms. pants,
every tampon will feature a picture of Sigfreid and Roy. The irony is delicious.
Crystal (Chicago),
There is no money to take and run, but if there were, I'd commence to takin' and runnin'.
lauren,
I wouldn't wear a vegASS hat because it would be like a rock guy wearing his band's t-shirt, but I would totally hang out with people who wore them.
lil bit,
You're welcome. Your blog made me have to take a cold shower.
egan,
I really don't want to be stuck with a garage full of unsold vegASS merchandise, but I might have one or two items made up to give away in future contests. Contest is the new meme.
There's absolutely nothing wrong with selling out; it's all a matter of perception, anyway.
I'm not even sure how to respond to that.
I can't imagine using a diesel fueled dildo in my bed... scary!
Man, man, man, I used to love me some Liz Phair. But once she stopped smoking pot and started letting other people write her songs, she BLEW!
I like selling out. I'll whore for anyone who shares my beliefs. So, not too many people.
steve,
the key is not to hurt others; beyond that, all is fair.
ms. pants,
just nod and smile, my dear.
lmk,
better your bed than your bathtub.
aughra,
I agree totally. I would never buy Liz Phair's pop album, but I don't resent her for making it. How long should she have to suffer for my amusement?
Now, about this diesel powered dildo. For the life of me, I can't find a side car for mine ANYWHERE.
Glad to hear you got your car fixed. I was just wondering, in case I don't get a job soon.
Off topic: Do you know of any good Chinese restaurants around these parts?
andi,
Sidecars are usually handcrafted by independent artisans. Try a local craft fair. They don't advertise; you'll have to ask around.
I usually get take-out at a place called China-A-Go-GO. I'm not sure where you live, but there's one in Anthem, there's one at Valle Verde and the 215 in Green Valley, and there's one near Durango and the 215 near Rodes Ranch. There may be other locations but I'm unaware of them.
Also, Pei Wei is a cheaper, more casual version of PF Chang's. There's one near Sunset Station in Henderson and there's one on Eastern near Horizon Ridge. Hope that helps.
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