Yesterday I asked for suggestions for topics for my slipping, on-its-last-legs blog. I would like to thank everyone who commented and curse those who mocked me with their silence. I am actually going to use several of the ideas for blog posts in the near future; that should keep my Teri Schiavo-like site alive for a week or so. However, there can be only one winner. And the winner of the Edit viva las vegASS contest is Kristine from the lovely city of Columbus, Ohio. Here is my post:
The lovely, talented, and liquor-bearing Kristine recently "rediscovered" on MY SPACE the object of her worst date ever. To read about the entire date, click "Kristine" on my VIP list; she just posted about it. To summarize, he took her to lunch at Waffle House, a place no one who's sober should ever visit, and it just got worse from there.
So, I went to the loser's MY SPACE page to laugh at his pathetic station in life and make myself feel better about mine. His receding hairline profile pic was definitely fitting the bill, but then I see pictures of his "Friends." These are his friends:
Holy mother of fuck! Look at these women. LOOK AT THEM!! Seriously, check out the taters on the one on the far right. I may have to run screaming to the mountains and live as one with nature, this is so unfair. You see, I believe Kristine when she says the guy's a complete ass-nugget; I trust her judgment. This guy, this deployment sock,* gets to hang with these girls? I wonder if he ever banged one after a night of fine dining at the Waffle House? (Insert your own
scattered, smothered, and covered joke here). Hell, even if they're just platonic friends, it means they're accepting enough of his asinine behavior to associate with him.
Well, as we say in the South, that tears it! I'm piling my worldly possessions into the rolling deathtrap and moving to Columbus, Ohio, where the women are beautiful and apparently quite stupid. Except for Kristine, she's beautiful and smart. My new blog, viva columbASS, will be coming soon to a computer near you.
*deployment sock - sock used for masturbatory purposes by sailors at sea for long periods of time.
Note: For winning the contest Kristine will receive a copy of the official viva las vegASS soundtrack. Since she's young she'll probably hate it, but it can be used as a coaster if that's the case.
The lovely, talented, and liquor-bearing Kristine recently "rediscovered" on MY SPACE the object of her worst date ever. To read about the entire date, click "Kristine" on my VIP list; she just posted about it. To summarize, he took her to lunch at Waffle House, a place no one who's sober should ever visit, and it just got worse from there.
So, I went to the loser's MY SPACE page to laugh at his pathetic station in life and make myself feel better about mine. His receding hairline profile pic was definitely fitting the bill, but then I see pictures of his "Friends." These are his friends:
Holy mother of fuck! Look at these women. LOOK AT THEM!! Seriously, check out the taters on the one on the far right. I may have to run screaming to the mountains and live as one with nature, this is so unfair. You see, I believe Kristine when she says the guy's a complete ass-nugget; I trust her judgment. This guy, this deployment sock,* gets to hang with these girls? I wonder if he ever banged one after a night of fine dining at the Waffle House? (Insert your own
scattered, smothered, and covered joke here). Hell, even if they're just platonic friends, it means they're accepting enough of his asinine behavior to associate with him.
Well, as we say in the South, that tears it! I'm piling my worldly possessions into the rolling deathtrap and moving to Columbus, Ohio, where the women are beautiful and apparently quite stupid. Except for Kristine, she's beautiful and smart. My new blog, viva columbASS, will be coming soon to a computer near you.
*deployment sock - sock used for masturbatory purposes by sailors at sea for long periods of time.
Note: For winning the contest Kristine will receive a copy of the official viva las vegASS soundtrack. Since she's young she'll probably hate it, but it can be used as a coaster if that's the case.
23 Comments:
Yes, I have browsed many a MySpace profiles and noticed the abundance of hotties. Something is up with that, no pun intended. I cry bullshit on that. I bet most of them are just waiting to be discovered.
MySpace is like a slightly hipper version of Friendster. The blogging functionality blows, but at least the women suck. And it's great fun browsing the profiles of women half our age. Pervs unite!
Update: Rachel.. the one with huge boobs, age 22, wants to meet Ronald Reagan. Good thing she knows he's dead. And that Tom guy is everywhere on MySpace. He freaks me out.
Let me know when you get to Columbass. I will visit since it isn't far.
Well, I will visit when you are done overdosing on dumb chicks and silicone ;).
I should use "just joking" wallpaper as a background for some posts.
egan,
Yeah, MYSPACE sucks. And as for Rachel, she probably knows quite a bit about trickle-down economics.
ago-go,
yes, my blogger girl "friends" are a lovely group and I'm damn lucky to correspond with all of you. I just don't think if I did the blogger equivalent of taking you to Waffle House you'd all stick around; something about self esteem.
Blonde,
I'm staying in vegASS for the time being; feel free to visit anytime. A guy wanting to overdose on dumb chicks and silicone needn't leave here for Columbus. I likes my women smart and natural, fyi.
MySpace is full of lame old guys and bitchy rockabilly chicks. At least the Michigan people are...
Shouldn't this have been titled, "We Have A Weiner"?
aughra,
Cool, I'm a lame old man who loves bitchy rockabilly chicks. Well, I settle for them, anyway.
kat,
because you're not looking for girls.
brooke,
way to go. That joke was cheap enough to have been written by me.
Egan: Tom is the creator of myspace. When you open an account, his picture is added to your friends list automatically. People who choose to keep him there just want to appear that they have more friends.
And hey! Not ALL myspace girls are bitchy rockabilly chicks either! ;)
All fake pictures pulled off porn teasers, I'm sure. ;)
YNH - my thoughts exactly.
kristina,
Who would leave Tom's picture up just because he's the creator? That cracks me up. Nice ego on Tom, by the way.
mollyn.,
You signed up for it? This is like one of those anti-drug ads that actually makes kids want to get high.
andi,
Someone on the internet would be dishonest? You take that back!
brooke,
when you say "My thoughts exactly," are you echoing Andi's words or are you agreeing with me that the chick on the right has massive taters? Please elaborate.
I was referring to your cheap joke line, you tater staring freak.
First of all, I would like to echo ago-go and say, in all sincerity, Clint is a MUCH worse name than Todd.
In fact, Todd has a cuddly-sounding quality to it, while Clint sounds like an ex-con who can only land a job as a rodeo clown or carnival worker. And chews tobacco. And smells.
What's wrong with liking taters? If you would like me to whore up a picture that flaunts my taters, I will do it for you.
flesh,
yeah, tell me about it. The only place to find justice is in the dictionary.
brooke,
if tater-starin' is wrong, I don't wanna be right.
ubermilf,
clint is my middle name. No, not really.
I don't solicit, but my policy is always: If you wanna show 'em, I wanna look at 'em.
Kristine - I know that dorky Tom guy is the creator. I love his "oh, here's my most casual pic I have, looking over his shoulder like it's a candid. Lame. Makes complete sense though because MySpace is fucking lame. It's so 2000.
Egan: So 2000?? It was created in 2003! Hahaha...
My point exactly Kristine.
egan,
thank you for your many comments that make this post appear much more popular than it really is. However, Kristene is the young lady from Columbus who won my little contest; Kristina is the young lady from California with whom you are having the myspace discussion.
kristene,
you won a Grimace beach towel? Some girls have all the luck.
kristina,
I would also like to thank your for padding my comments section. It looks like you're hitting the crack pipe in your profile pic, or is that just me?
egan,
see my previous comment addressed to you.
Now I've gone and misspelled Kristine's name, not once but twice. Damn.
Now that you mention it, yes it does look like that! Although, personally, I'd rather be smoking a bowl that hittin' a crackpipe. But, to each his/her own.
What I've generally found on MySpace are the teenage girls wanting to become lesbians, and the only males (other than the old men lurkers such as us) are the ones who either play in a "band", or think that their misspellings and psuedo-gansta attitude are actually going to get them a date. I much prefer the maturity of my Blogger friends, such as it is....
kristina,
glad to know you aren't on the pipe.
kristine,
yes, you get a soundtrack. You'll have to send your mailing address to toddp123@yahoo.com
Os,
Sadly, those guys with misspellings and psuedo-gansta attitude will get lots of dates.
Kristine,
That isn't my primary email so I gave the wrong one. Oops. It is toddp345@yahoo.com
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