I hate Fox News. President Bush could actually walk into the Fox News studios with a machine gun and murder half the staff, stopping only to rape Greta Van Sustren, and Fox News would find a way to put a positive spin on it:
"Today's top story: President Bush sent a powerful message to the enemies of freedom by brutally slaughtering my co-workers and friends. Our colleague Greta Van Sustren, who was sexually assaulted by the President, joins us live from an undisclosed hospital. Greta, just how virile is George W. Bush?"
*****
When Chief Justice Rehnquist died, Fox News used the headline "America Mourns." Really? Because I was under the impression that nobody gave a fuck. Probably ten thousand dead in New Orleans, and I'm supposed to care that one ninety-year-old man bit the dust? I'll tell you who mourned when William Rehnquist died...family members not mentioned in his will.
*****
College football started with the good guys from the University of Louisville beating the evildoers from the University of Kentucky 31-24. The game was shown to the entire nation on ESPN. Unfortunately, when they came back from commercial the network kept showing a couple of shoeless kids playing in a fountain; like Kentucky doesn't have enough image problems without having ESPN showcase a pair of barefooted hilljacks bathing in public water. God damn it, I know there are BMW- driving latte sippers in that state. Show some of those snooty fucks for once.
*****
I wasn't asked, but this is my opinion of what is an appropriate HNT comment and what is an inappropriate HNT comment.
A woman shows breast, but no nip:
"Hey, nice tits." - appropriate.
"I'd like to boobie-fuck you and give you a pearl necklace." - inappropriate.
Also, all of you aspiring poets, inspired politicos, and brilliant essayists...no matter how eloquent your prose or how flowing your poetry, you'll never get as many comments as a girl with a nice rack. This is an observation, not a criticism.
*****
I realize that as a white male I'm an acceptable target, and that's okay up to a point. I think anti-male sweeping generalizations can be funny as hell when they're dispensed by someone with a quick wit, but personal attacks are just shitty. A male blogger friend was threatened with physical violence on someone's blog, and I know the person wasn't kidding because she said so. Before anyone tries to excuse this behavior, imagine the fucking outcry if he had threatened a female. It wouldn't be okay then, would it?
*****
Kanye West told the truth, and the beauty of it is they won't be able to ruin his career as easily as they did with the Dixie Chicks because his audience agrees with him.
*****
This is un-P.C. but I don't care: Kindly learn English or get the fuck out of this country. I welcome people from other countries and don't think we should run around deporting everyone, but now it's being suggested that we all learn Spanish to accommodate the large number of immigrants, legal and illegal, coming from Mexico. There is no way in hell. I'd rather rescue Dick Cheney from drowning and have to give him the "kiss of life" than learn a foreign language. Why? Because I didn't sneak into Mexico in the dead of night. Italian immigrants learned English, as did the Germans and Eastern Europeans. Half of the doctors in Nevada are Pakistani or Indian, and they all speak our native tongue. I'm sure the Mexicans can follow suit.
Oh, really old people are exempt. If you came to this country to be with your family in the last years of your life, go ahead and speak the language you already know.
*****
"Today's top story: President Bush sent a powerful message to the enemies of freedom by brutally slaughtering my co-workers and friends. Our colleague Greta Van Sustren, who was sexually assaulted by the President, joins us live from an undisclosed hospital. Greta, just how virile is George W. Bush?"
*****
When Chief Justice Rehnquist died, Fox News used the headline "America Mourns." Really? Because I was under the impression that nobody gave a fuck. Probably ten thousand dead in New Orleans, and I'm supposed to care that one ninety-year-old man bit the dust? I'll tell you who mourned when William Rehnquist died...family members not mentioned in his will.
*****
College football started with the good guys from the University of Louisville beating the evildoers from the University of Kentucky 31-24. The game was shown to the entire nation on ESPN. Unfortunately, when they came back from commercial the network kept showing a couple of shoeless kids playing in a fountain; like Kentucky doesn't have enough image problems without having ESPN showcase a pair of barefooted hilljacks bathing in public water. God damn it, I know there are BMW- driving latte sippers in that state. Show some of those snooty fucks for once.
*****
I wasn't asked, but this is my opinion of what is an appropriate HNT comment and what is an inappropriate HNT comment.
A woman shows breast, but no nip:
"Hey, nice tits." - appropriate.
"I'd like to boobie-fuck you and give you a pearl necklace." - inappropriate.
Also, all of you aspiring poets, inspired politicos, and brilliant essayists...no matter how eloquent your prose or how flowing your poetry, you'll never get as many comments as a girl with a nice rack. This is an observation, not a criticism.
*****
I realize that as a white male I'm an acceptable target, and that's okay up to a point. I think anti-male sweeping generalizations can be funny as hell when they're dispensed by someone with a quick wit, but personal attacks are just shitty. A male blogger friend was threatened with physical violence on someone's blog, and I know the person wasn't kidding because she said so. Before anyone tries to excuse this behavior, imagine the fucking outcry if he had threatened a female. It wouldn't be okay then, would it?
*****
Kanye West told the truth, and the beauty of it is they won't be able to ruin his career as easily as they did with the Dixie Chicks because his audience agrees with him.
*****
This is un-P.C. but I don't care: Kindly learn English or get the fuck out of this country. I welcome people from other countries and don't think we should run around deporting everyone, but now it's being suggested that we all learn Spanish to accommodate the large number of immigrants, legal and illegal, coming from Mexico. There is no way in hell. I'd rather rescue Dick Cheney from drowning and have to give him the "kiss of life" than learn a foreign language. Why? Because I didn't sneak into Mexico in the dead of night. Italian immigrants learned English, as did the Germans and Eastern Europeans. Half of the doctors in Nevada are Pakistani or Indian, and they all speak our native tongue. I'm sure the Mexicans can follow suit.
Oh, really old people are exempt. If you came to this country to be with your family in the last years of your life, go ahead and speak the language you already know.
*****
16 Comments:
You crack me up as usual. But I have some news for you. English has never been declared the national language of America - even though the majority of people speak it and it is what is taught in our schools. So until it is, we can't really insist people learn it. Ironic huh?
Listen, if you need to know where the library is, I'm your bilingual man, baby. Also the bathroom. And Paco. Actually, I can ask where a lot of things are. But my favorite is: Donde esta carta verde?
You can cut the cost of labor in half with that one question. And if they do have a green card: You don't look like Elsinora Burnbaum.
Your comment about Fox is so great. The only problem is they aren't that different from the Big Three anymore. The Rove administration must have naked pictures of EVERYBODY at the networks, I swear. Except for NPR because those guys can NOT get laid.
As for HNT, is this appropriate: BANG BANG I'm dead, babay!
Fox News is such a twisted network and Brit Hume definitely deserves the "shovel in the face". As for Kanye West, he was right on! This administration does not even pretend to be for the little people, they are all Big Business and had Hurricane Katrina not turned into a public relations nightmare those people down there would still be without food & water! To Katarina--It amazes me that some people still refuse to see the racial angle and are appalled about the fuss black people are making in regards to the slow response. Natalie Holloway, a single pretty blonde, has been on our T.V screens for months now. If we as a nation can care so much about ONE white person, why can't we hold a little compassion for the MANY thousands of black people who are dead or suffering still? Yes, I know the tragedy effected all races and different types of people, but the stats bear it out that the worst affected were poor blacks. I DO NOT have a car, if a tornado was set to hit Chicago I'd be stranded here and left to die unless my gov't came through for me to assist in my evacuation! The very least that we expect of our gov't, is to protect us in a time of need. Or else what are all those taxes for?
Love what you have to say, except for the learn english stuff. What Brooke said and also english ain't such an easie language too learn. Weird rulz in shit.
Oh, that Natalee... the missing girl in Aruba. I never cared all that much, but that story didn't get much play on the local Seattle news.
kat,
I agree with what Kanye West said even if Bush isn't overtly racist because it started a dialogue on a subject that needs to be addressed.
kristine,
I think 'gracias' means 'great ass'.
Brooke,
Yeah, I knew that the United States has no "official" language. The Kentucky public school system taught me that the day after they taught me to make moonshine. However, that argument is what John Cusack's character in "High Fidelity" would call "a cheap lawyer trick." Okay, that sounded a lot more harsh than I meant. I'm just saying that everyone knows Americans speak English. My point was, why did the immigrants of the past have so little trouble learning English? I don't think they were any smarter. They just probably didn't have such a sense of entitlement.
JJ,
Bizarre, confusing HNT comments are always welcome.
Crystal,
Do you not have a car because you can't afford one or because you live in a town with efficient public transportation and inadequate parking? Either way, you're right. You can't flee a disaster scene without a car.
Mollyn.,
Damn straight. Those ass-beret French want tourists to speak their language fluently.
Egan,
I'm glad since early May we've learned we agree on more things than we disagree, so we can let a few things slide.
Ruben,
When those fucks use God to legitimize their hatred and ignorance it feels like someone kicked ME in the nuts.
Kat,
Yeah, Bush likes Condi Rice and Clarence Thomas, you're right. I think personally his bias is based more on social class than race, but I still support Kanye's comments because they put a stick in the spoke of the right-wing bicycle.
egan,
with all of the great new Starbucks products being unveiled, that girl didn't stand a chance in Seattle.
Indie,
It was obviously an empty threat; no one's flying to another city to brawl with a stranger, but the double standard just smacked me around it was so obvious.
nettie,
More people need to criticize Bush.
I don't think the response was slow because the people had too much melanin in their skin, I think they were abandoned because they didn't have enough money in their wallets.
However.
I do think their race was then USED to make racist Americans less sympathetic toward them. "Different" people can be demonized more easily, and made to appear to be violent looters and such.
Just a theory. Oh, I still love you, by the way. Kiss, kiss.
My grandpa.v2 had goddamn Fox News on the whole f'ing time I was in Utah. It took every ounce of self restraint not to voice my disgust when he started talking about how great it is that our country has banded together during this difficult time.
Re: the English/Spanish debate, one possibility is that the Spanish-speaking populaions have gotten so self-suffcient that they don't NEED to learn English. Here in Vegas, for example, they have Spanish banks, Spanish grocery stores, Spanish tire stores, etc. etc. There's no need to learn English.. Why bother when you can feel totally at home Speaking your native language? I don't know.. I don't see the problem. Live and let live. If you don't want to learn Spanish, don't go try to get tires at the llanteria!!
I'd like to comment on the important thing here--the HNT pick-up lines. You hit the nail on the head, and said it so much better than I did on my site. Of course, I have a tendency to try to not offend (at least any more than I already do). Where do these guys come from, and why do they think shit like that is appropriate? Or think that the ladies they're commenting to would find that remotely effective? And why do they have to continue to visit the HNT sites?
Todd, once again can I just say how much I love you? You know me I'm a lover not a fighter but can I be on your team too?
As for HNT comments, sheesh, keep it in your pants guys. Relax, they are just tits or ass or whatever anyone else chooses to post. Every second person has them, you see them everyday.
As for New Orleans, oh don't even get me started. I agree that our fearful leader hasn't done shit quick enough and I will agree with the mayor of New Orleans who challenged the president on the issue of a state of emergency being declared and assistance being "reguired to be solicited", fuck that. The Iraqi people didn't solicit us to come over and provide them aid, when the tsunami struck those people weren't signing petitions to get water and food. Get off your ass mr. president and look around at the people suffering in your own damn country. But then again, it's not his friends down there dying and suffering.
And if I hear one more person say "well they should have left", WHERE THE FUCK ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO GO? These people have lived in New Orleans for generations, they don't have family spread out all over the nation to run to, they are poor as church mice, can't afford gas and we're telling them to get out? And go the fuck where, with what resources. They didn't have anything to begin with and now they really don't have anything, including food and water. I've lived down there, I've seen these people, I have family down there. These people didn't want to stay in the eye of a hurricane any more than I would want to, but many of them had absolutely no way to get out. You've got 90 year old women that you tell to evacuate? And just how is she supposed to go, by wheelchair? In my humble opinion one of the biggest mistakes made in disaster preparedness was telling these people to evacuate and not helping to provide anyway for them to do so. I don't believe it is so much of a race issue, I firmly believe it is an economic issue which is what it boils down to so much in this fair-haired country of ours. Whew, now there's my rant!
Rachel - you need some oxygen? Well stated by the way.
ubermilf,
Very good theory. And kisses right back at ya, babe.
evil,
I am in no way criticizing the girls and their lovely racks. In fact, more racks, please. Just making an observation.
Ms. pants,
Yeah, they kept showing Bush with his arm around the victims, as if those poor people hadn't suffered enough.
Claudia,
I was reacting to the suggestion that I learn Spanish to make their lives easier. It isn't going to happen. Also, you are right about Spanish-speaking people having their own communities, but I don't know why they would risk so much to come to this country and segregate themselves.
Os,
Women should be prepared for comments regarding the body parts they put on display. Anything beyond that creeps into "asshole" territory.
Kat,
Thanks for all of your comments. They are making this post seem much more popular than it actually was.
rachel,
Well said. And I love you, too.
egan,
I could use some of that oxygen.
Todd, love you too babe, mean it!
I know next to nothing - no, make that nothing - about the career of Kanye West. But I do know that he hit the nail on the head.
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