I may be the only person who enjoys these random thoughts, but last I checked I'm the only one who writes this rag. So, without further adieu...
- I saw a picture of Lindsay Lohan's tits on a milk carton. If you've seen them lately, call 800-555-2467.
- Renting film equipment and following a Michael Jackson impersonator into a Chuck E. Cheese might sound like a good idea for a documentary, but it's really just an expensive way to get arrested.
- A girl I like said she'd date me if I was the only single guy left on earth; so if there's a nuclear holocaust and I happen to be in an underground lead bunker at the time, helloooo pussy.
- In retrospect, Lil' Bastards was a bad name for a daycare center.
- You might think it's funny to see a grown man open a package of adult diapers, put one on, and run around screaming, "Someone please change me, I'm full!" but you're not one of those humorless fucks who works at Walgreen's.
- What you call "masturbating to a photo of Jessica Alba" I call "making love to Jessica Alba in absentia."
- First sign it was a bad date: She challenged me to a burrito-eating contest at Taco Bell. Second sign: She won handily. Third sign: She suffers from irritable bowel syndrome. Bright side: I can say "I fucked the shit out of her" and really mean it.
- Old people don't like it when you replace their dentures with a set of leftover teeth from your job as a taxidermist. You'd think they'd appreciate the cool fangs, but they don't.
- Everyone at work is jealous of me because I make more money than they do and I don't get much done. Their pettiness sickens me.
- A couple of years ago, before she got all skanky, I had sex with Britney Spears. Okay, so she wasn't Britney Spears, but she looked like her. Okay, so she only sort of looked like her, but she was wearing a reproduction of one of her outfits. Okay, so I'm banned for life from the Wax Museum.
- Some advice to the lovestruck: An "I'm What's on the Other Side of the Glory Hole" novelty shirt makes a lousy birthday gift for your girlfriend's mom.
- I saw a picture of Lindsay Lohan's tits on a milk carton. If you've seen them lately, call 800-555-2467.
- Renting film equipment and following a Michael Jackson impersonator into a Chuck E. Cheese might sound like a good idea for a documentary, but it's really just an expensive way to get arrested.
- A girl I like said she'd date me if I was the only single guy left on earth; so if there's a nuclear holocaust and I happen to be in an underground lead bunker at the time, helloooo pussy.
- In retrospect, Lil' Bastards was a bad name for a daycare center.
- You might think it's funny to see a grown man open a package of adult diapers, put one on, and run around screaming, "Someone please change me, I'm full!" but you're not one of those humorless fucks who works at Walgreen's.
- What you call "masturbating to a photo of Jessica Alba" I call "making love to Jessica Alba in absentia."
- First sign it was a bad date: She challenged me to a burrito-eating contest at Taco Bell. Second sign: She won handily. Third sign: She suffers from irritable bowel syndrome. Bright side: I can say "I fucked the shit out of her" and really mean it.
- Old people don't like it when you replace their dentures with a set of leftover teeth from your job as a taxidermist. You'd think they'd appreciate the cool fangs, but they don't.
- Everyone at work is jealous of me because I make more money than they do and I don't get much done. Their pettiness sickens me.
- A couple of years ago, before she got all skanky, I had sex with Britney Spears. Okay, so she wasn't Britney Spears, but she looked like her. Okay, so she only sort of looked like her, but she was wearing a reproduction of one of her outfits. Okay, so I'm banned for life from the Wax Museum.
- Some advice to the lovestruck: An "I'm What's on the Other Side of the Glory Hole" novelty shirt makes a lousy birthday gift for your girlfriend's mom.
13 Comments:
Panties that say "Home of the Whopper" make a wonderful birthday gift for your girlfriend's mom.
You're in fine rant tonight!
Thank you Todd. I so needed that this morning. I don't know what I'd do without you in the mornings. You're better than Starbucks.
LOL
making love to Jessica Alba in absentia."
BRILLIANT!
Hey T, I'm flipping you le bird in absentia.
Brilliant. If you wrote for Leno he might actually be funny. Well, if you read the jokes for him. On Letterman.
Oh Todd, Todd, Todd...what am I going to do with you baby?
What JJ said.
ms. pants,
You are my new personal shopper.
os,
I assume you're talking about my rant on another blog. The blogger in question is a big girl who can take care of herself, but I can't stand anonymous haters.
heather,
I wish I had Starbuck's cash flow.
livi,
Uh, thanks?
L.A.,
Glad you liked it.
mollyn.,
always good to meet another celebrity in absentia fucker.
aughra,
Thanks. The more I read your blog, the more I like it. Apparently I was the last one to find out about it.
ms.hellion,
the difference between your middle finger and Jessica Alba's twat? I've seen plenty of your middle finger.
JJ,
I can't say "Leno sucks" enough times. Thanks for giving me another opportunity to say "Leno sucks."
rachel,
you can do anything you want to me, although there are a few things I'm hoping for.
amanda,
thank you. Please compliment me again in the near future.
indie,
There's a possibility I might get laid again before life as we know it ceases to be? Cool.
brooke,
you are a mind reader. I wanted to say "Leno sucks" again. "Leno sucks."
kat,
I'll take you up on that offer.
ruben,
Thanks. Every time I ask a girl to date me, hilarity ensues.
I had a funny Walgreen's case the other day in my court. Guy walks into Walgreen's at 3am, grabs a bottle of lotion off the shelf, moseys on over to the pharmacy waiting area, whips it out and starts stroking... the Walgreen's employees didn't see the humor in that one either.
Claudia,
Now I know why the Anthem Walgreen's closes at ten.
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