It's been over a month since I last posted about having to take a shit in a public restroom, so this is way overdue.
Thursday afternoon I had to drop some ass science, so I found a stall that had the least amount of fecal matter on the toilet seat and/or door latch and settled in for a long constitutional. The first thing I noticed, other than the disturbing scent of rancid bean dip, was a lone piece of graffiti directly in front of me. It read "Kill Whitey".
Needless to say, I found this a little unsettling, being as I'm whitey. I hadn't been that upset since I was a teenager and a drunk Nazi hunter mistook me for Joseph Goebbel's grandson. Really, I just wanted to relieve myself in peace and quiet. The only oppressing I was going to do was to that unfortunate toilet. I may resemble 'the man' but I am not him; I don't have the money, power, or desire to keep people down. I have nothing against anyone but the French. Fuck the French. Yeah, I said it and I'm glad I said it.
I really hate the French these days because their obnoxiousness forces me to agree with people like Bill O'Reilly. We hate them for different reasons, but we do agree to hate them. The right wingers dislike the French because they didn't support the war in Iraq. That makes no difference to me. A sovereign nation has the right to make decisions on its own.
I hate them because they're unwashed, obnoxious douchebags who delight in their hatred of my country. America has oppressed many nations, but France isn't one of them. In fact, they would be speaking German and eating sauerkraut and wurst platters if not for the United States. (Warning: Approaching Sarcasm) - Oh, I understand why they hate us. We did save their Brie-eating asses from Hitler, but our wine makers produce an inferior cabernet, so fuck us. We completely deserve their scorn. (End Sarcasm...for now) This is directed at actual French people, not those delightful Cajuns and other Americans of French heritage. The French-Canadians, on the other hand, gave us Celine Dion, so they can kindly lick plate.
Okay, where was I? Oh, that's right; on the shitter, hoping a Molotov cocktail didn't roll under the stall door and send me to hell with poopy butt. "But I like to kiss black girls," would have been my last words as I braced myself for the explosion.
That reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend a few years ago after I had hung out with a lovely black girl at a bar.
"You know, Thomas Jefferson liked the black girls," he said. "He had black offspring."
I sighed. "Thomas Jefferson didn't 'like the black girls'; he raped his slaves. And his black children weren't at the dinner table, they were out picking cotton."
This post is all over the place, but the point is we should acknowledge our differences, embrace our common humanity, and unite to hate the French.
Thursday afternoon I had to drop some ass science, so I found a stall that had the least amount of fecal matter on the toilet seat and/or door latch and settled in for a long constitutional. The first thing I noticed, other than the disturbing scent of rancid bean dip, was a lone piece of graffiti directly in front of me. It read "Kill Whitey".
Needless to say, I found this a little unsettling, being as I'm whitey. I hadn't been that upset since I was a teenager and a drunk Nazi hunter mistook me for Joseph Goebbel's grandson. Really, I just wanted to relieve myself in peace and quiet. The only oppressing I was going to do was to that unfortunate toilet. I may resemble 'the man' but I am not him; I don't have the money, power, or desire to keep people down. I have nothing against anyone but the French. Fuck the French. Yeah, I said it and I'm glad I said it.
I really hate the French these days because their obnoxiousness forces me to agree with people like Bill O'Reilly. We hate them for different reasons, but we do agree to hate them. The right wingers dislike the French because they didn't support the war in Iraq. That makes no difference to me. A sovereign nation has the right to make decisions on its own.
I hate them because they're unwashed, obnoxious douchebags who delight in their hatred of my country. America has oppressed many nations, but France isn't one of them. In fact, they would be speaking German and eating sauerkraut and wurst platters if not for the United States. (Warning: Approaching Sarcasm) - Oh, I understand why they hate us. We did save their Brie-eating asses from Hitler, but our wine makers produce an inferior cabernet, so fuck us. We completely deserve their scorn. (End Sarcasm...for now) This is directed at actual French people, not those delightful Cajuns and other Americans of French heritage. The French-Canadians, on the other hand, gave us Celine Dion, so they can kindly lick plate.
Okay, where was I? Oh, that's right; on the shitter, hoping a Molotov cocktail didn't roll under the stall door and send me to hell with poopy butt. "But I like to kiss black girls," would have been my last words as I braced myself for the explosion.
That reminds me of a conversation I had with a friend a few years ago after I had hung out with a lovely black girl at a bar.
"You know, Thomas Jefferson liked the black girls," he said. "He had black offspring."
I sighed. "Thomas Jefferson didn't 'like the black girls'; he raped his slaves. And his black children weren't at the dinner table, they were out picking cotton."
This post is all over the place, but the point is we should acknowledge our differences, embrace our common humanity, and unite to hate the French.
23 Comments:
You knew I would have to object with your disdain for the French. Je ne sais pas pourquoi monsieur VegASS.
I hoped you were kidding when I read this through the first time, but it doesn't appear that's the case. I guess I can't agree with everything you blog about. I have picked enough fights this week so I won't push it. A plus tard ma petite puce!
I am mostly French.
I'm mostly awesome.
egan,
I am kidding to the extent that I'm exaggerating my feelings. It mildly annoys me that the French hate everything about America. For what we did for them, it's the equivalent of someone complaining about the cologne of the fireman who pulled him from the burning building.
I just think it's funnier to say "hate" as opposed to "mildly annoyed". And I was trying to make a slight point by showing the same blind prejuidice as the person who wrote "Kill Whitey" and inspired the post.
I hope we're still blog buddies.
ms. pants,
I should have highlighted my "not talking about Americans of French heritage" disclaimer. I am of German heritage, but I had family members fight against the Nazis in World War Two.
Nick,
you are awesome, and so far the only person I haven't pissed off.
Todd, just out of curiosity... have you spent much time in France outside of Paris? It's crazy how much the French actually idolize Americans. McDonald's in France are packed, American movies have huge lines at the ticket counter, and they love all things David Hasselhoff. Oh shit, the David love affair is Germany.
egan,
of course. The republicans piss me off much more than any foreign citizens, but I've beaten that dead horse too many times.
egan,
no, I am a perfect example of the stereotypical ignorant American. Damn. I would like to remind everyone that I put the word "ass" in my blog's title so I would never be taken too seriously.
Oh, egan, I agree with you on the unofficial border patrols. Nice post on that.
Je parle francias...
Tu est tres bein en mon livre...
Merci...
for the french challenged:
I said....You are okay in my book.
though it doesnt translate the same, you get the point...
Thanks for the birthday wishes!
Henderson, NV uh? I've been there...took a short cut to Vegas from Phoenix and ended up there somehow :)
Yeah! What Uber said!
So you like blacks, hate the French, and enjoy a good shit. You are so.....deep.
Still waiting to hear whether or not you have actually BEEN to France.
Todd, all is well man. I know you are smart ass like myself so it's all good. Thanks for the kind words about my vigilante border patrols.
All Things Dave - glad to see you have such an open mind. Tu peux sucer ma bite petit con.
Hysterical as ever and I know you're only messing so that's cool. I go to france at least twice a year as my in-laws have retired there and I have to say Egan is right. As a rule the French idolise the US. They think you guys are great. They don't like Dubya much though.
Nick - I'd happily step up to the plate and smack Ashton's head out of the park.
I know you would Bob, that's why I call you friend.
kat,
I'm afraid the PC police will shoot to kill if I tell any more jokes about their beloved French.
shaken,
it was Darrell's sister, but she didn't share his morally casual attitude.
lbseahag,
Thanks, I think. Could someone who speaks French tell me if she actually called me an asshole?
nick,
Ashton Kutcher does need the shovel, and he shall receive it.
moosekahl,
Henderson basically is Las Vegas. I work in Las Vegas and I'll go down the road a block or two for lunch and I'm in Henderson.
dave,
no, I like Grey Goose vodka.
ubie,
I'm going to have the "Kill Whitey" handwriting analyzed. Expect a visit from the FBI.
ms. pants,
yes, your anger is apparent. You're one of my favorite bloggers and I never meant to anger you.
brooke,
damn, would you like a saucer of milk with that catty comment? My shallow heart will always love you, and I mean that.
egan,
I have posted so much stuff I thought would piss people off. I never expected ANY controversy over this.
bob,
I would love to go to France. If they don't like Dubya, we have something in common.
nick,
Bob is a stand-up guy, definitely.
Brooke,
Of course I was kidding about the catty comment. Considering all of the obscene shit I've written on your blog, you can say whatever you want here. Love ya lots.
Aww shucks, you guys!
Any country that bestows Gerard Depardieu on us has no right to feel uppity.
Died laughing that oppressing the toilet part.
a.k.a. a black chick said . . .
You know, anyone could've written that. Why make it black and white? It could be red and white, or yellow and white or anything non-white and white and maybe not black and white. I know someone who wears a "whitey will pay" shirt (you know him too) and he's whiter'n Christmas. Maybe the stall-writer meant it in a "the man" sort of way, but yeah, fuck the French. (Not really, they've been nothing but nice to me, but I think that's because I'm non-white.)
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