Thursday, October 06, 2005
The Second to Last Time I Smoked Pot, Part Two
To read part one, scroll down. Damn, I should have given this thing a quick wrap up. I don't know if Part Two will be any good. Ah, who cares?

As soon as the house lights came up, I went out to the parking lot to meet Wu. I usually hate staying until last call because the air smells of desperation and the stench is right under your nose like Tara Reid just gave you a Dirty Sanchez.

Three-fourths of the crowd were milling about in the parking lot, a sort of white trash after-party. While I was looking for Wu a drunk girl who was trying to fit her summer of 2001 ass into a pair of 1999 pants started screaming hilljill incoherencies at her slack-jawed paramour, who was wearing jeans that were in style when Def Leppard's drummer had both his arms. As she continued screaming and wildly gesturing, a small group started chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!" That was good for a laugh.

When I found Wu he was getting the aforementioned young, cute girl's phone number. He said goodbye and mentioned that we were going to be at the Steak and Shake near Stoneybrook if she wanted to meet us there.

"Should she be driving?" I asked as I watched her cute little butt stagger away.

"Should I be driving?" Wu replied.

I conceded the point and we went to Steak and Shake. While we were both enjoying our feast of a double steakburger, cheese fries and a small cup of chili, Wu's cell phone rang. He listened for a few seconds, said, "We'll be right there," and hung up. The girl from the bar had blown a tire (heh heh) and was stranded about ten miles from us.

Well, it turned out her tire didn't blow until her inebriated ass slammed into a curb; luckily she did it right in front of a convenience store. When we got there Wu changed her tire and she engaged me in conversation. That's when I found out that, in the great buffet of life, she skipped past the intelligence carving station and treated herself to a second helping of tits. Her stupidity actually had an aura, she was so plank-dumb; but her boobs were Einsteinian in their brilliance.

While Wu struggled to put on her spare tire, she confided in me. Why do women always confide in me? I've had strippers tell me their troubles and woes.

"I'm a little nervous about going out with Wu," she slurred. It was loud enough for him to hear her from his apartment, let alone from five feet away.

"Why?" I asked. Oh, yeah, that's why women confide in me. I make the mistake of listening.

"I haven't been with a black guy since the one who took my virginity," she said like a normal person would say "I had meatloaf for dinner."

Okay, did he take her virginity or did she give it to him? From where we were sitting, I was closer to Wu and I could hear him slightly chuckle from under the car. I decided to try to make him laugh. The Lakers were playing the 'Sixers for the NBA title that year, so this came to my mind: "This black guy, the one who deflowered you, was he Dikembe Mutumbo?" As I said this I wagged my finger at her like Mutumbo did when he blocked a shot. Then I sniffed said finger. Dikembe never did that. That was my own personal touch.

Wu started laughing a little harder and almost exploded when the girl replied, without irony, "No, it was Darrel Rogers."

"Darrel Rogers!" I exclaimed. "He fucked my sister. Darrel's fucked a lot of white girls."

By then Wu was laughing so hard I feared the jack would slip and he'd be crushed to death, but he finally finished.

A few minutes later we were at her house and I was attached to a bong the size of a Lincoln Navigator. I don't remember a lot after that, except the girl seemed to be allergic to clothes after a few hits.

Oh, and then she gave Wu a blumpkin and wiped his ass with her bra.

Okay, that last part didn't happen. I was just giving the people what they want.


24 Comments:

Blogger Grant said...

I'stumbled across this masterpiece by way os Sacrelicious. I'm glad I did. Large ignorant breasts, illegal consumables, and a picture of Stewie. It's the trifecta of amazing shit.

Blogger Ruben said...

Heavy! So you know she went back for seconds after the first black guy screwed her sister. He probabaly dated them both at the same time.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

ummmm damn. there were some terms in that post that I am not familiar with, but I will let that slide.

This second helping of tits, let's discuss that some more.

Blogger awaterpixie said...

That's insane.. well Ilook at pot this way... at least it's natural!

::smooches::
Mara

Blogger RitMeyer said...

That was an awesome ending. I was the one that my guy friend's "Lite on the brains, heavy on the tits" one nighters, shit I mean girlfriends, would confide in. Messing with stupid drunk people is a hobby of mine. Well done.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Hey! Darrel Rogers took my virginity, too!

Blogger MoDigli said...

I'm opening myself up for some serious taunting, I'm sure, but WHAT is a "dirty sanchez"? That was new term for me!

Nice fictitional ending there! Cracked me up!

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

You know, whenever I start craving crazy singlehood, I read something like this and I'm happy to make meatloaf, watch TV and go to bed at 10:30 p.m.

I do like Steak and Shake, though.

Blogger Randi said...

oh my gawd that was funny!!!

Blogger katarina said...

I've lost too many bra's that way.

And socks.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

and socks Katarina?

very interesting.

Hey Todd, this is me commenting on your site, again.

I shall now resume stalking you to the best of my ability.

Blogger yournamehere said...

grant,
Hurray for the ignorant breast.

ruben,
Darrel was a player when playing wasn't cool.

steph,
her tits are all I remember about her. I know that sounds terrible, but I never saw her again after that night.

pixie,
alcohol, my anti-drug. And smooches right back at ya.

ritmeyer,
I can't stand it when wanton objects of lust want to be my friend. Okay, a few have been friendship-worthy, but they were few and far between.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ms. pants,
Did you participate in Darrel's West Coast Cherrypalooza Tour?

mo,
it's so foul I hesitate to share it with you. If you really must know, email me and I will tell you. Please keep in mind that I feel diminished as a human being for knowing what it is.

ubie,
I would have loved to have met the right woman and been married by thirty. I was just playing the cards I was dealt.

randi,
thanks. I'm sure your party will be blogworthy.

kat,
if I was a girl I'd carry toilet paper in my purse. Damn, would I be an ugly female. I shudder to think...

my lil' princess steph,
we stalk each other. You can't spell dysfunctional without 'fun'.

Blogger ginonymous said...

"blumpkin"?

Blogger tango jellybean said...

I think I've just learned a lot about myself....I did not need definitions for any of the terms used in this blog. jesus christ!

Blogger MsHellion said...

For those not in the know:

Dirty Sanchez

Holy shit, Darel too my virginity too! Bastard.

Blogger Crystal said...

The last time I smoked pot, I thought it would be a splendid idea to wash my friends filthy cat.

No, that is not a metaphor. Fuckers.

Pot is bad - while I was being sheared from all sides by a whirling pinwheel of claws, I was too stoned to contemplate letting go of the motherfucking beast and allowing it to hide somewhere until it stopped twitching. So I just held it and let it flay me alive until my friend waved a Ding Dong in front of my face and I became otherwise engaged.

Hey Todd...wanna get high and wash a kitty?

Blogger MoDigli said...

ok, this dirty sanchez HAS to be BAD if YOU won't post what it is. Come on, I can handle it! But, okay, I see I might have to just email you!

Blogger MoDigli said...

Ok, I should have finished reading the rest of the comments before writing that.

I just got the definition thanks to mshellion.

Woah. That's pretty effed up. ick. And wouldn't you get e-coli or salmonella after doing such a thing? Yeah. Gross.

but I'm still glad I know now! hehehe

Blogger yournamehere said...

aa,
a blumpkin is the act of receiving oral sex while deficating. Ah, life's rich pagent.

amie,
your list of friends, including me, reads like a social Roque's Gallery, so I'm not surprised.

hellion,
thanks for doing my dirty work.

shaken,
I'm becoming more and more envious of this Darrel guy.

canofworms,
I've never wanted to get high and wash a kitty more than I do right now.

mo,
find ms. hellion's comment and click on the site. There it is.

Blogger yournamehere said...

mo,
okay, I'm glad you know. Yeah, even I am offended by the reality of this humorous term. I wouldn't subject anyone to such degradation and wouldn't date anyone who wanted me to.

You shouldn't be, I faked it anyway just to get him off me.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Darrell isn't a foreplay kind of guy.

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