"I've been alive forever and I wrote the very first blog..."
Okay, so it only seems like I've been alive forever and I actually jumped on this blog bandwagon pretty late. In fact, if not for my friend Alishia I probably wouldn't know that blogs even exist; so if I regularly offend anyone she's the chick to blame. Anyway, I've tried to skate through life in a state of blissful ignorance, but despite my best efforts some knowledge seeped into my skull. Here's what I've learned:
The funny guy rarely gets the girl. Please note that I said rarely, not never. Please for the love of Jesus Horatio Christ don't beat me over the head with examples of funny guys who skin more pussy than a cook in Chinatown. For the most part, funny guys are left at the starting gate in this race called love.
I think one thing to consider is that when you're infatuated with someone, they seem hilarious and brilliant to you. I don't know how many times I've heard female friends of mine say, "You'll really like my new boyfriend. He is so funny." None of them have ever been funny! Most were decidedly unfunny, I'm talking the cast of "Yes, Dear" unfunny. Men are no different. I've embellished the mental traits of several women I was attracted to.
Sport is a dirty, teasing tramp. I love sports. Well, I love all football and college basketball. Sports provide hours of excitement and entertainment, but every season in every sport ends with crushing disappointment to fans of all but one team. Last year, for example, my beloved University of Louisville basketball team exceeded all expectations and went to the NCAA Final Four. It was a great season, but I only remember two games: When they squandered a sixteen-point halftime lead at home and lost to the University of Kentucky, and when they fell on their asses against Illinois in the National Semifinals. That's all I got out of the whole season. Sport is a filthy strumpet.
When I'm drinking, there is a certain point at which I'd much rather amuse myself than get laid. And no, "amuse myself" is not a masturbatory euphemism. One of the reasons why I've curtailed my drinking is because there is a magical point in my drunkedness where I'd much rather make myself laugh, by any means necessary, than pick up a female. I'm ashamed just typing this, but I'm being honest.
Either your boss or your boss's boss is a complete ass. Some of the people who rise to positions of authority have obviously sold their newborn's infant soul to Satan; it's the only explanation for why some of these people aren't making a living sanding the rough edges off of glory holes.
The only way to lose weight is to eat less and exercise more. Yes, I know this, I just don't put my knowledge to practical use. I'm not going to dwell on my weight in this post, but I realize something needs to be done.
Never pay to see a movie that promises "hilarious hi-jinks", "zany antics", or "madcap misadventures". This is code for "You'll laugh if you think Ashton Kutcher is funny."
I'm usually unhappy no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I've learned to go with it. I'm good at turning my own bullshit angst into laughs for others. Why should we all suffer?
I know a little more than this, but I'm done writing for now.
Okay, so it only seems like I've been alive forever and I actually jumped on this blog bandwagon pretty late. In fact, if not for my friend Alishia I probably wouldn't know that blogs even exist; so if I regularly offend anyone she's the chick to blame. Anyway, I've tried to skate through life in a state of blissful ignorance, but despite my best efforts some knowledge seeped into my skull. Here's what I've learned:
The funny guy rarely gets the girl. Please note that I said rarely, not never. Please for the love of Jesus Horatio Christ don't beat me over the head with examples of funny guys who skin more pussy than a cook in Chinatown. For the most part, funny guys are left at the starting gate in this race called love.
I think one thing to consider is that when you're infatuated with someone, they seem hilarious and brilliant to you. I don't know how many times I've heard female friends of mine say, "You'll really like my new boyfriend. He is so funny." None of them have ever been funny! Most were decidedly unfunny, I'm talking the cast of "Yes, Dear" unfunny. Men are no different. I've embellished the mental traits of several women I was attracted to.
Sport is a dirty, teasing tramp. I love sports. Well, I love all football and college basketball. Sports provide hours of excitement and entertainment, but every season in every sport ends with crushing disappointment to fans of all but one team. Last year, for example, my beloved University of Louisville basketball team exceeded all expectations and went to the NCAA Final Four. It was a great season, but I only remember two games: When they squandered a sixteen-point halftime lead at home and lost to the University of Kentucky, and when they fell on their asses against Illinois in the National Semifinals. That's all I got out of the whole season. Sport is a filthy strumpet.
When I'm drinking, there is a certain point at which I'd much rather amuse myself than get laid. And no, "amuse myself" is not a masturbatory euphemism. One of the reasons why I've curtailed my drinking is because there is a magical point in my drunkedness where I'd much rather make myself laugh, by any means necessary, than pick up a female. I'm ashamed just typing this, but I'm being honest.
Either your boss or your boss's boss is a complete ass. Some of the people who rise to positions of authority have obviously sold their newborn's infant soul to Satan; it's the only explanation for why some of these people aren't making a living sanding the rough edges off of glory holes.
The only way to lose weight is to eat less and exercise more. Yes, I know this, I just don't put my knowledge to practical use. I'm not going to dwell on my weight in this post, but I realize something needs to be done.
Never pay to see a movie that promises "hilarious hi-jinks", "zany antics", or "madcap misadventures". This is code for "You'll laugh if you think Ashton Kutcher is funny."
I'm usually unhappy no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I've learned to go with it. I'm good at turning my own bullshit angst into laughs for others. Why should we all suffer?
I know a little more than this, but I'm done writing for now.
12 Comments:
AND masturbatory.
and Jesus HORATIO christ! hahah.... I've never heard Horatio as the name for H., so I'm guessing that you made it up. And even if you DIDN'T make it up, and I'm saying that you did! :)
And that boss thing. Dang. That is SO TRUE!
Skinning more pussy then a cook in china town....pure genius ;).
Actually, a guy that makes me genuinely laugh out loud is the sexiest quality about a man. He doesn't make me laugh--then he doesn't see me naked.
a-l-i-s-h-a
Thought I'd tell ya before Heather does. =)
YNH, um, many women are not very intelligent. The exception being every woman who reads and comments on your blog. Not many women would "get" your blog.
And the world is getting progressively less and less fair.
But I still love you. That has to count for something, doesn't it?
When it comes to University of Texas baseball, I only seem to remember the games we've won. But then, we've won a lot of them.
I am now keeping a book of aphorisms stolen from your blogs that I use at parties to make people think I'm funny. What the hell, I've already got the girl.
I can't wait till the United Methodist Barbecue this Sunday so I can use "skin more pussy than a cook in China".
pantsie,
I want my medal to be a solid gold vagina.
real,
I don't want that medal to resemble the subject at all.
mo,
I think I made that up. If not, I stole it subconsciously.
blonde,
"He doesn't make me laugh--then he doesn't see me naked." When I meet you I'm bringing along a joke book and a feather.
alisha,
I think I've misspelled your name hundreds of times. Damn.
milfie,
the women who read and comment on my blog are true gems. I love them all, and only partly because of their cleavage.
And yes, of course it counts for something.
jj,
I find it unfair that you'll be the life of the party using my witty remarks but my shyness keeps me from saying much until I'm too drunk to remain coherent. Unfair, but humorous.
shaken,
Thanks. Shaken's a true Vegas celeb, everyone.
ruben,
there's one place in the Vegas valley that has good Chicago pizza, and one place that has Chicago style hot dogs and Italian beef sandwiches. They're both on my side of town and I can't stay away from them. Imagine how fat I'd be if I actually lived in Chicago.
Well said Toddsa.
I want my medal to be a solid gold vagina.
Nothing but the best.
eganster,
thank you very much.
pants,
always reach for the stars.
nettie,
you're pretty awesome yourself.
mollyn.,
yeah, maybe if I wait long enough I can be someone's last resort.
Try breastfeeding. Eat more. Exercise less. Lose more weight!
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