Friday, September 30, 2005
Eric's Empty Proclamation
Another friend who worked with me at the fantabulous liquor store was Eric. Eric was a highly intelligent guy with a razor sharp wit, but when you hung out with Eric, who was getting his master's degree in music at Southern Cal and living with his family in Louisville during the summer, you had to endure his constant complaining about how the 'ville didn't measure up to L.A. Okay, I accepted that, although he lived in such a bad neighborhood in Los Angeles he was afraid to leave his apartment at night. I guess during the day it was spectacular.

One night Eric and I went to the usual Wednesday night haunt, accompanied by a female co-worker who shall remain nameless for this post. We drank a pitcher or two of Sierra Nevada, ate a couple platters of the tastiest cheese fries ever, and talked incessantly. After a few hours, our female co-worker said her goodbyes and left.

As soon as her ass was out the door, Eric proclaimed our co-worker to be the perfect woman. He then began a rousing soliloquy. It's been over three years but it went a lot like this:

"(Name withheld) is the perfect woman. I know she's unavailable, I realize this. However, I hereby decree that I will hold her as the standard with which to judge all potential girlfriends. I will not, as God is my witness, settle for anyone who doesn't meet these criteria."

I had to ask: "What about sex?"

He didn't even hesitate. "I will not have sex with anyone who isn't as cool as (name withheld). I refuse to waste my time in such a fashion."

I was actually moved by his sentiments. It would be a wise move, I reasoned, for him to adopt such noble principles regarding his dating life.

Too bad when we all hung out a mere three days later Eric got drunk and went home with the skankiest, cheesiest ho ever to funkdify a bar stool!

Oh, Christ, I never laughed so hard in my life. Mister High Standards didn't last the week. Oh, how priceless. I never laugh while I'm typing this garbage but my keyboard is stained with the tears of hilarity. If you had sat there and listened to his impassioned speech and then had to endure the groan-inducing game of the velveeta wedge he ended up fucking, you'd be crying, too. Fuck, my ribs hurt.

The following Monday I worked day shift and was getting ready to leave when who else strolls in but Eric, breaker of his own covenant.

"Well, if it isn't Sir Galahad the Chaste," I said to him.

"Shut up!"

"So that girl was as cool as (name withheld), huh?," I tortured him. "Funny, she didn't seem as cool as (name withheld)."

"Shut. Up."

I couldn't help myself. "You do realize the whole situation was akin to announcing your intentions of feasting on a steak and instead eating a Spam sandwich, don't you?"

He had no reply. He lowered his head in shame and walked toward the back office.


21 Comments:

Blogger Rob Danger said...

Sometimes the Wang calls the shots you'd prefer your Brain to take-over. And drinking really just creats the opportunity for a complete take over by the Wang does it not?

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

This is one of the many reasons why they always say "think before you speak because you may just be eating your words later". Ah, been there...ate that.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

You should have told this delusional freak that there is no such thing as a perfect woman, just as there is no such thing as a perfect man. Well, except for you, Todd. You're just about almost perfect.

Blogger Blonde said...

My slutty gfs claim to have raised their standards and constantly say them as they are trying to convince themselves of it too.

They always leave last call with the ultimate in thug losers they could possibly find.

I never stray from my standards ;)

Blogger Randi said...

thats great!!! haha

Blogger Used Hack said...

That's funny. :)

Of course, I was one of those guys who actually stuck to my guns about that sort of thing. Looking back, I wish I would have lowered my standards on a few occassions.

Maybe not that low, but a little lower. :)

Blogger Egan said...

Eric sounds like my brother, although I don't think my bro gets any. Nor do I really want to know.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Egan, About your brother...

Blogger Egan said...

Pants, I ain't going there.

Blogger Kris said...

All these years later, you gotta wonder if he still lusts after Name Withheld . . .

Blogger Princess Steph said...

Stained with tears huh? Is that what you kids call 'it' these days, tears?

Blogger Ruben said...

"cheesiest ho ever to funkdify a bar stool!" When I read this for a minute I thought you were talking about my ex sister in law.

Blogger tango jellybean said...

Oh, Todd. The Back Door Pour could do that to best of us....I have to say that Eric's assessment of (name withheld) is pretty dead on, though. I think she really is the golden standard. ;)

Blogger yournamehere said...

flesh,
yeah, but you didn't hear the pretention in his voice when he made his ridiculous claims.

indie,
we've all ate our words. Bastards like me serve the leftovers.

mollyn.,
If you think I'm close to perfect, Eric isn't the only delusional one. HA.

blonde,
isn't it the funniest shit ever? Hypocrisy is hilarious.

Blogger yournamehere said...

randi,
thank you.

used hack,
I should have fucked ol' what's her name.

egan,
the sex lives of relatives is definitely "don't ask, don't tell".

ms. pants,
are you saying you "did" egan's brother?

Blogger yournamehere said...

kris,
I haven't spoken to him in two years, but I still keep in touch with (name withheld).

steph,
you called me "kid". I totally love you even more now.

ruben,
has your ex sis-in-law ever been to Louisville?

amie,
(Name withheld) is awesome, although a bit conceited.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Just stirring the pot.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ms. pants,
and I appreciate that.

lol, a man has needs, I suppose.

My friend (the one who shops at the dirty Vons on Sunset and Stephanie) says to me today "Now that I've broken up with (name witheld), do you know anyone I can love and leave?"

The funny thing is that she's totally serious. Good times.

Blogger yournamehere said...

shaken,
I hope your friend doesn't seek comfort in the arms of customers or employees of the dirty Vons.

I loved your "rockstar" post, by the way.

lol, oh lord no...she has standards and stuff, you know like, military guys and construction workers.

thanks, I had fun reliving it :)

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