Thursday, September 22, 2005
The First Annual viva las vegASS Stockholder's Meeting
Note: one of my favorite bloggers, crystal from has a chance to win a free wedding. She has kids to raise, damn it, and a free wedding would help. For details go to the above website or click Crystal under my VIP listings. PLEASE vote for her. It will take just a few minutes of your time and would mean a lot to a good person. Her, not me, I'm still a sack of crap. Now, on to my post.

Yesterday afternoon I held the first annual viva las vegASS stockholder's meeting at a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf inside the Green Valley Ranch Resort Casino in lovely Henderson, NV. For your bemusement I've included a written transcript of the proceedings. My urbane verbal bombs are in blue. My hilarious asides will be framed by ( ).

"I'd like to begin the meeting. Does anyone have any questions?"

"I'm the only other person here, asshole."

(Okay, so I only have one stockholder. It's not like any of you are Donald Trump.)

"Okay, do you have any concerns?"

"Only one tiny little concern: Your blog sucks shit through a rubber hose and is taking me to the fucking poorhouse. Soon I'll be giving one dollar handies at the Greyhound station just to feed my kids."

"Excuse me?"

"I invested all of my money in your blog."

"That was stupid."

"Tell me about it. Can you write one post that isn't insipid, self-loathing, or needlessly controversial?"

"Could. Not gonna."

(At this point I thought he would have a stroke. A purple vein the size of a loaf of bread appeared on his forehead.)

"That reply is an example of the wit and wisdom I've come to expect from your blog."

"I'm a crowd pleaser, a born entertainer, if you will."

"You constantly build a small audience, then lose it by posting something asinine."

"Yeah, I'll probably post our conversation."

"Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick. Why would you want to bore the blood out of everyone?"

"Beats thinkin' up somethin' new."

(When I really want to piss off a douchebag, I talk slowly and exaggerate my Southern accent. I'll become Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel if I can get a jackass to cough up blood in a fit of rage.)

"I have a list of things I've noticed that I find objectionable."

"This should be stunning."

"You asked women to send photos of their breasts; you obsess over girls who kiss other girls; you referred to someone as 'a palsy-twated cunt'; you used the term 'Dakota Fanning's underage femme schlong..."

"Some of my favorite readers found my blog by googling 'Dakota Fanning's underage femme schlong'."

"I'm not finished. You said you didn't give 'a feret's fly-buzzed fuck-cubby' about something; you insult our president; you flirt shamelessly with young girls who wouldn't give you the time of day in the real world; you..."

(At that point I tuned him out. I needed a refill on my caramel ice-blended, so I left the table. When I got back he was gone. Anyone want to be a stockholder?)


Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

you are....
intriguingly weird..

Blogger katarina said...

Don't change, babe. I'll replace him. I wouldn't know what to do, but I'd replace him.
He's sitting on a goldmine and he doesn't even know it.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

He sat on you?

Blogger MollyNormal said...

I'll be a stockholder, but I want some return on my investment. You gotta share the boobie pics with me.

Blogger Nettie B said...

Mmmm caramel ice-blended :)

Blogger JJ said...

I'm in. How much are shares? When do we go public? Penn and Teller, well Teller anyway, got nothing on you, Todd. You go boy!

Feel better?

Blogger Shannon said...

I have some jellybeans I can invest in your blog. They're high quality, none of that easter candy shit.

Blogger Bobby said...

be careful. I have a blogshare owner that doesn't even talk to me. despite me posting his pic on my blog and making fun of him.

And he still owns shares. Weird.

Blogger JackassJimmy said...

Sometimes while reading your blog, I have to go back to looking at my check book to stop laughing.

Keep on, keeping on.


Blogger Princess Steph said...

"Anyone want to be a stockholder?)"

yes please.

I will have to pay my way in boobie pics and lesbian experiences (you should have seen the stripper I fell in lust with last night.)

All I ask is that you keep me entertained with stories of goth kids and abortion. Does it get any better than that? I think not.

Blogger Ruben said...

I honestly don't know what to say to this. So, I guess that means it was a good post if it shut my trap.

Blogger Monkey said...

purple vein the size of a loaf of bread

For more bon mots like this one, I would like to be a share holder.

Blogger Kristine said...

I'd give you the time of day. It's the sense of humor that does it for me. Oh, and slightly crooked teeth.

Blogger Brookelina said...


Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Who doesn't want to be a stockholder?! You'd be crazy not to invest in the camel toe commenting, boob requesting, Bush hatin' fun. Crazy I tell you, fucking crazy.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I take that as a compliment of the highest order.

apparently the only requirements are showing up at the Coffee Bean and insulting me.

no, he used a chair, thank you very much.

I'm a lot of things, but not a liar. I won't share boobie pics.

Coffee Bean makes the best caramel ice-blended.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I honestly wasn't feeling that bad to begin with, but thanks for the kind words.

bring on the jellybeans.

I read that post. That guy never responded? Weird.

j. jimmy,
when I look at my checkbook I actually weep.

princess steph,
I am patiently awaiting the boobie pics from you. See my post entitled What Do I Want For My Birthday? for details.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I like to render readers speechless. It's a gift I have.

come on aboard.

I would love the time of day from you.

you know what I like.

ms. pants,
some people hate me. As exhibit 'a' I give you the brownie poll on ubie's blog, which I'm in danger of losing.

Blogger ginonymous said...

i think i owe you the money for a share now: i introduced the concept of shovel justice at work today, which actually landed one of my sups on her on ass, on the floor, laughing at the grandeur of it.

Blogger Kristina said...

I would love to be a stockholder, but I don't have any money. Is there anything else I could do instead?

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