Note: one of my favorite bloggers, crystal from boobsinjuriesanddrpepper.blogspot.com has a chance to win a free wedding. She has kids to raise, damn it, and a free wedding would help. For details go to the above website or click Crystal under my VIP listings. PLEASE vote for her. It will take just a few minutes of your time and would mean a lot to a good person. Her, not me, I'm still a sack of crap. Now, on to my post.
Yesterday afternoon I held the first annual viva las vegASS stockholder's meeting at a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf inside the Green Valley Ranch Resort Casino in lovely Henderson, NV. For your bemusement I've included a written transcript of the proceedings. My urbane verbal bombs are in blue. My hilarious asides will be framed by ( ).
"I'd like to begin the meeting. Does anyone have any questions?"
"I'm the only other person here, asshole."
(Okay, so I only have one stockholder. It's not like any of you are Donald Trump.)
"Okay, do you have any concerns?"
"Only one tiny little concern: Your blog sucks shit through a rubber hose and is taking me to the fucking poorhouse. Soon I'll be giving one dollar handies at the Greyhound station just to feed my kids."
"Excuse me?"
"I invested all of my money in your blog."
"That was stupid."
"Tell me about it. Can you write one post that isn't insipid, self-loathing, or needlessly controversial?"
"Could. Not gonna."
(At this point I thought he would have a stroke. A purple vein the size of a loaf of bread appeared on his forehead.)
"That reply is an example of the wit and wisdom I've come to expect from your blog."
"I'm a crowd pleaser, a born entertainer, if you will."
"You constantly build a small audience, then lose it by posting something asinine."
"Yeah, I'll probably post our conversation."
"Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick. Why would you want to bore the blood out of everyone?"
"Beats thinkin' up somethin' new."
(When I really want to piss off a douchebag, I talk slowly and exaggerate my Southern accent. I'll become Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel if I can get a jackass to cough up blood in a fit of rage.)
"I have a list of things I've noticed that I find objectionable."
"This should be stunning."
"You asked women to send photos of their breasts; you obsess over girls who kiss other girls; you referred to someone as 'a palsy-twated cunt'; you used the term 'Dakota Fanning's underage femme schlong..."
"Some of my favorite readers found my blog by googling 'Dakota Fanning's underage femme schlong'."
"I'm not finished. You said you didn't give 'a feret's fly-buzzed fuck-cubby' about something; you insult our president; you flirt shamelessly with young girls who wouldn't give you the time of day in the real world; you..."
(At that point I tuned him out. I needed a refill on my caramel ice-blended, so I left the table. When I got back he was gone. Anyone want to be a stockholder?)
Yesterday afternoon I held the first annual viva las vegASS stockholder's meeting at a Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf inside the Green Valley Ranch Resort Casino in lovely Henderson, NV. For your bemusement I've included a written transcript of the proceedings. My urbane verbal bombs are in blue. My hilarious asides will be framed by ( ).
"I'd like to begin the meeting. Does anyone have any questions?"
"I'm the only other person here, asshole."
(Okay, so I only have one stockholder. It's not like any of you are Donald Trump.)
"Okay, do you have any concerns?"
"Only one tiny little concern: Your blog sucks shit through a rubber hose and is taking me to the fucking poorhouse. Soon I'll be giving one dollar handies at the Greyhound station just to feed my kids."
"Excuse me?"
"I invested all of my money in your blog."
"That was stupid."
"Tell me about it. Can you write one post that isn't insipid, self-loathing, or needlessly controversial?"
"Could. Not gonna."
(At this point I thought he would have a stroke. A purple vein the size of a loaf of bread appeared on his forehead.)
"That reply is an example of the wit and wisdom I've come to expect from your blog."
"I'm a crowd pleaser, a born entertainer, if you will."
"You constantly build a small audience, then lose it by posting something asinine."
"Yeah, I'll probably post our conversation."
"Jumpin' Jesus on a pogo stick. Why would you want to bore the blood out of everyone?"
"Beats thinkin' up somethin' new."
(When I really want to piss off a douchebag, I talk slowly and exaggerate my Southern accent. I'll become Cletus the Slack-Jawed Yokel if I can get a jackass to cough up blood in a fit of rage.)
"I have a list of things I've noticed that I find objectionable."
"This should be stunning."
"You asked women to send photos of their breasts; you obsess over girls who kiss other girls; you referred to someone as 'a palsy-twated cunt'; you used the term 'Dakota Fanning's underage femme schlong..."
"Some of my favorite readers found my blog by googling 'Dakota Fanning's underage femme schlong'."
"I'm not finished. You said you didn't give 'a feret's fly-buzzed fuck-cubby' about something; you insult our president; you flirt shamelessly with young girls who wouldn't give you the time of day in the real world; you..."
(At that point I tuned him out. I needed a refill on my caramel ice-blended, so I left the table. When I got back he was gone. Anyone want to be a stockholder?)
13 Comments:
you are....
intriguingly weird..
He sat on you?
I'm in. How much are shares? When do we go public? Penn and Teller, well Teller anyway, got nothing on you, Todd. You go boy!
Feel better?
I have some jellybeans I can invest in your blog. They're high quality, none of that easter candy shit.
be careful. I have a blogshare owner that doesn't even talk to me. despite me posting his pic on my blog and making fun of him.
And he still owns shares. Weird.
Sometimes while reading your blog, I have to go back to looking at my check book to stop laughing.
Keep on, keeping on.
Cheers,
Jackass
purple vein the size of a loaf of bread
For more bon mots like this one, I would like to be a share holder.
Twat.
knitty,
I take that as a compliment of the highest order.
kat,
apparently the only requirements are showing up at the Coffee Bean and insulting me.
milfiepie,
no, he used a chair, thank you very much.
mollyn.,
I'm a lot of things, but not a liar. I won't share boobie pics.
nettie,
Coffee Bean makes the best caramel ice-blended.
jj,
I honestly wasn't feeling that bad to begin with, but thanks for the kind words.
shannon,
bring on the jellybeans.
bobby,
I read that post. That guy never responded? Weird.
j. jimmy,
when I look at my checkbook I actually weep.
princess steph,
I am patiently awaiting the boobie pics from you. See my post entitled What Do I Want For My Birthday? for details.
ruben,
I like to render readers speechless. It's a gift I have.
monkey,
come on aboard.
kristine,
I would love the time of day from you.
brooke,
you know what I like.
ms. pants,
some people hate me. As exhibit 'a' I give you the brownie poll on ubie's blog, which I'm in danger of losing.
i think i owe you the money for a share now: i introduced the concept of shovel justice at work today, which actually landed one of my sups on her on ass, on the floor, laughing at the grandeur of it.
I would love to be a stockholder, but I don't have any money. Is there anything else I could do instead?
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