Thursday, September 15, 2005
Cheap Eats and Mormons
I got to work Wednesday at 4:50 am Pacific Daylight Time, meaning I beat some of you East Coasters despite the three hour time difference. The advantages? I worked for about an hour and met my friend Dan at a cafe inside a local's casino for their Graveyard Shift special: a 7-oz. steak, two eggs, hash browns, and two slices of toast for $2.95. That is some good cheap eating. A woman sitting near us SENT HER STEAK BACK. She must have been wearing her ovaries on the outside to send back a steak that didn't crack the three dollar price barrier. I shudder to think of the atrocities visited upon that piece of meat before it made it back to her plate. I'm sure one of the cooks wore it as a man-thong as he did jumping jacks and squat thrusts to the delight of all assembled.

Also, I got to leave work at 1:20 pm. I would say that allowed me to beat traffic but it didn't. There is no such thing as beating traffic in Las Vegas. Rush hour lasts from 5-10am in the morning and 12:15-7:00pm in the afternoon/evening. At least it's not Los Angeles traffic.

*****
I was home for about an hour when my doorbell rang. "Who could it be?" I wondered with childlike innocence. Perhaps it was a local youth selling delicious chocolate. I actually had my wallet out when I opened the door. It was the Mormons. I released an audible sigh when I saw them.

"Hi, we're from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints..." one of them began.

He said some more stuff, but my rage blocked it out. It was completely unnecessary for them to identify themselves as Mormons. Who the fuck else could it have been? Here were two guys standing at my front door in the middle of the afternoon wearing clip-on ties and short-sleeved dress shirts, the Mormon uniform; they both sported haircuts that recalled a precinct volunteer for the 1964 Barry Goldwater presidential campaign; and they clutched pleather-bound copies of The Book of Mormon the way Lindsay Lohan holds on to a bag of coke. They weren't there to give me a "queer eye" makeover.

"I'm not interested," I said in my most nauseatingly faux-polite sing-song voice.

"Can we leave you a pamphlet?"

"No," I said, sans politeness, and shut the door in their faces.

I went to church when I was younger and not once did I knock on a door and try to shove my faith down a stranger's biscuit-hole. I do not for the life of me understand this. Has this ploy ever worked, ever?! Has the following scenario ever taken place:

Mormon: "Blah blah blah Jesus blah blah John Smith blah blah Brigham Young blah."

Unsuspecting Dupe: "So, my religion's stupid, huh? Damn, I've wasted all of these years. Help me avoid eternal damnation, my short sleeved saviors."

Please feel free to believe in anyone or anything you want, just for the love of your god keep it to yourself.


26 Comments:

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I theorize that grouchy bitches who send back food have extremely strong immune systems from all the hazardous bodily fluids they ingest.

I find answering the door in a braless tanktop renders mormon missionaries powerless....although that might not work so well for you. It is f'ing insane how many people join them. I could go on for hours about their charismatic, perverted, sexual predator, founder...but I won't.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

"short-sleeved saviors" LMAO These fuckers come to my door at least once a month. Living in an apartment complex, I am like a sitting duck. They wait in the courtyard and when they see someone coming home from work, they wait about ten minutes and then descend on that person's apartment. I've toyed with different ways of telling them to fuck off. My favorite was when I told them I was in the middle of a blood sacrifice and could they please come back later. Problem is, I couldn't say it with a straight face. I don't think they thought it was funny though.

Blogger Shannon said...

Think of it from the missonary's persepctive...His buddy's got sent to Brazil and are trying to convert hot, thong clad pagan/catholic women while learing a foreign language, while he gets sent to shit-hole Vegas. Maybe next time they come to your door you should point this out to them and hand over your own pamphlet "Athiesm means hot chicks." Start your own little sales pitch about how they've been fucked over by the church for too long and you're so glad some non-deity sent them to your door so you could save them and get them laid.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

We don't get Mormons in the Chicago area; we get Jehovah's Witnesses.

Is that because you're closer to Utah, or because the last time Mormons were in Illinois, the residents chased them out with flaming torches and pitchforks?

Next time, you should pour a shot of whiskey, and say "I'll take your pamphlet if you do this shot. No?" -- quickly down shot yourself -- "Then get the hell out!"

Blogger Blonde said...

I worked in restaraunts when I was in high school and college and I knnow what I did to their food if they were rude. That bitch has no idea what kind of bodily fluids she just consumed....

No HNT?

Blogger Princess Steph said...

Clip on ties are hot.

answer the door naked. it always does the trick.

meat man thong. what a wonderful band name.

(I still want you even if you are insane.)

That is all.

Blogger Egan said...

That bit about the steak is good stuff. Who in their right mind does send back a $2.95 steak? How ridiculous. Maybe your Mormon pals would enjoy a cheap under/overcooked steak. I'm getting a window in my door so I can spot them coming. The peep hole is too small to spot those little bastards.

Blogger Randi said...

were you at maryland and flamingo by chance, cuz i was apart of that traffic

Blogger Bobby said...

I wonder how many people actually convert during door to door visits?

they should do a study or something.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ms. pants,
I think you're doing them a favor when you answer the door in a braless tank top.

mollyn.,
I can't believe the Mormons don't share your sense of humor.

shannon,
I can't even get myself laid lately, never mind helping the Mormons.

ubercommentor,
Offer them a shot? Fair enough. If they want me to embrace their god they should embrace mine.

blonde,
Any HNT attempt by me would pale in comparison to your noble effort this week. Also, I'm without a digital camera.

Blogger yournamehere said...

princess steph,
You answer the door topless? I'm becoming a Mormon and moving to Dallas. Most clip-on ties only reach mid-torso on me, but what the hell.

egan,
they don't take "no" for an answer. If they want society to be nonviolent, they shouldn't encourage violence by pissing me off.

randi,
driving in this town is a horrible ordeal. The road you were on was designed for the days when Las Vegas was nothing but the strip and desert. These roads are not meant to handle the amount of traffic they get. I'm glad you weren't injured.

bobby,
I can't imagine it working, but I tend to overestimate the intelligence of the American public.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I'm actually doing them a cruel favor by answering the door in a braless tank top. They aren't allowed to date or have any one on one contact with the opposite sex while on missions. They are only allowed to read and listen to church published material (the newspaper is even out). Only permitted to write letters to friends and family once per week. And the only phone calls they are permitted are to their families on Christmas and Mothers Day. PLUS they are on their missions living a two year celibacy during their sexual prime. Oh, and of course there is no self love. I. AM. WICKED.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Since I'm being a Ms. BossyKnowItAll, I believe the average baptism for missionaries is two per year. I think it depends on where they serve. For example, I have a friend who went to Italy. He came home with ZERO baptisms.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ms. pants,
oh, so the missionairies choose celabacy, whereas I've had it thrust upon me.

Your friend was a baptism slacker.

Blogger Brookelina said...

We had Jehovah's Witnesses come bother us all the time in Sydney. My flatmate used to enjoy coming up behind me as I tried to be polite to them and start humping me from behind. Fun for the whole family!

Blogger katarina said...

I like that they never take off their bike helmets.
My mom always did really well. She would invite them on the porch and wouldn't let them talk. She would tell them only of what she believes and they never got a word in. They stopped coming.

Blogger The real me said...

TEARS! I have actual TEARS seeping from my eyes at reading all this amazing, witty, sharp tongued prose.

I hate to play favorites, but telling them to do a shot or that the church fucked them over is priceless.

Blogger yournamehere said...

brooke,
did he hump you "kangaroo style"?

kat,
your mom keeps it real.

real me,
We're all about witty prose around here. Oh, and poop jokes. And boobies. And hot lesbo action.

Blogger JJ said...

Someday I'm going to be funnier than you, Todd. Okay, probably giving the third eulogy at your funeral, but, you know, win at any cost, right?

Both my daughters have worked in restaurants which gladdens my heart because they know... plus they've seen Fight Club.

I can understand being indoctrinated into a fictionology as a youth, but buying into the "magically disappearing golden platters that said I'm supposed to get more than one wife" as an adult eludes me.

Happy Birthday, Ubie.

Blogger mastershake said...

haha ive never gotten those loser mormens, except at halloween when I went trick or treating and I was young and they game me a panflit insted, so id egg their houses with my friends

Blogger Johnny Virgil said...

Let's try that again, only this time in english. Next time, ask them to hold down the sacrificial goat for you.

Blogger yournamehere said...

jj,
you're pretty damn funny in your own right. If I happen to find a thousand dollars under a rock or something, I am so visiting Austin.

mastershake,
People who give out stuff other than candy for Halloween should have their house egged.

johnny,
I don't understand why we can't edit our comments rather than have to delete and start over, but that's blogger for you.
I'm afraid they'd say yes.

Blogger Kristina said...

Ya, I accidently answered the door a few months ago w/o checking the peephole first and there were two jehovah's witnesses standing there. They were very polite and everything, and I wasn't too upset about them trying to spread their faith, but what moron (especially women) would let two strange men into their home to talk? Even if I was interested, which I wasn't, how was I to know that these men were legit or just a couple of men in suits pretending to be men of God?

This day in age, it's time to think of a new way to preach the gospel.

Blogger Sherri said...

OMG! A meat thong! So funny!

Blogger porchwise said...

I lived in Houston for awhile about forty years ago and two J.W.'s came up to my door...they looked like Mutt and Jeff. They handed me a small comic book about solving a family problem, I think, but anyway I asked them to wait while I went into my bedroom and brought back a Mutt and Jeff 8-pager from my high school collection. They never came back but they did take the 8-pager with them...I often wondered if they went home and compared their own schlong's to the Mutt and Jeff ones in the 8-pager.

Blogger JL said...

For a while I drove around in a fairly dangerous area doing cable television disconnects.
One of my favorites was this, which occurred at a not-so-bad weekly motel/apartment strip:

Me: (bam bam bam) Fox Cable!

Them (Three young mormons in short sleeves, putting together their kit for the day's torments, I SHIT YOU NOT): Uh, you're probably looking for the previous tenant, and we're kind of busy right now, could you leave us alone, please?

Me: No.

Fifteen minutes of delicious me-tormenting-them-while-they-fidget-and-look-pissed-action.

Then I turned off their cable, which had been on when I walked in.

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