Friday, September 16, 2005
Get Rich Quick Schemes
I think we've already established that my current job is boring and doesn't pay enough; we've also determined that even if I sold out, no one would buy. So I tried on the old "thinking cap" recently and came up with these ways to get rich:

A blogger friend of mine recently complained of the difficulty of finding a sidecar for her diesel powered dildo. Well, her prayers will be answered when I open my nationwide chain of adult sexual aide superstores, Toys for Twats. The friendly, knowledgeable staff at TfT will be able to help you ladies fill all of your dildo, vibrator, and strap-on needs. All products will come in a variety of fashionable colors and range in size from "IS IT IN YET?" to "HOLY CHRIST IT'S BRUISING MY PANCREAS".

*****
Hooters is a very popular restaurant chain because of an obvious fact: Men love chicken wings. Okay, so we go there for the tits; sue us. I want to take the Hooters concept to the next level without going through the expense and bureaucratic red tape involved in owning a strip club. My idea, the great compromise, is called Camel Toe Tammie's. Our servers will still have low cut shirts to show their breastises, but we'll add tight white shorts to the mix. Hello goldmine. Anyone who thinks I'm exploiting women with this restaurant might change their mind when the Camel Toe girls bring home more money per week than a brain surgeon.

In Canada, Camel Toe Tammie's will be known as Moose Knuckle Nellie's.

*****
There's no better way to get rid of an unwanted houseguest than to make his sleeping situation as uncomfortable as possible. And the best way to achieve that goal is to make them try to snooze on the official Barbara Bush Refugee Cot. There's not a better or more cost efficient way of saying "I think you're a second class citizen and I don't want you around here" than making your guest sleep on this hard, itchy, poorly designed temporary resting unit.

*****
Ever want to hit someone in the face with a shovel but don't want to spend years in prison for aggravated assault? Well, those worries are a thing of the past thanks to the Nerf Shovel. Now there's a way to express your displeasure with someone without severely fucking up his grill. The Nerf Shovel is made of the same soft material as the famous Nerf Football and is a fun, safe way of saying "I don't approve of your douchebag behavior and if I was above the law you'd be dead." Is an old man holding up the line by writing a check for three dollars? A Nerf Shovel to his face tells him it's time to take the hit and get a debit card. Is a seventy-year-old woman dressing like Christina in the "Dirtty" video? It's Nerf Shovel to the rescue.

*****
Those are the ideas so far but I'm only going to be able to get financial backing on one of them. Which one do you think I should go with? I had an idea for a gay bar called The Swap Meat but financing fell through.

*****
That last item wasn't gay bashing, it was a joke. I've said it before on this blog: Two consenting adults having sex is simply none of my business.

Happy Birthday to my new blog friend who goes by the names ubermilf, her milfesty, ubermajesty, and milfshake. Her milfshake brings all the boys to the yard. Damn right it's better than yours.


20 Comments:

Blogger Lavinia said...

Hey there!

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I love your blog's feel.
That post about Goth going mainstream is so funny and so true.

Even here in South Africa goth has lost its cache of darkness and despair. Its just another 'look' like the skater/punk/rapper/preppy looks out there.

And yes, thats only in the 'burbs. Go figure.

Blogger n.v. said...

Todd I worship you. Our first official date and all unofficial dates thereafter will take place at Moose Knuckle Nellie's.

Blogger n.v. said...

Oh, wow! Someone Black read and even commented on your blog!! I thought you were Whitey's bitch, Todd -- what gives?


Welcome, Lavinia. I am dark meat, too. But I'm not Black.

One love,
non-vee

Blogger Blonde said...

I will not have an appetite if I eat at Camel Toe's.

Blogger Ruben said...

OK! you should get a trophy for this post. This was really funny.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

You're so sweet. *smack*

Blogger Bobby said...

The Swap Meat has actually already been used, believe it or not.

Don't ask me how I know that, I, uh, read it somewhere. I've never been there or anything.

But the nerf shovel would get much use at my house, and I would buy more than one.

Blogger Kristina said...

A NERF shovel!! Wahahahahahahaha.....

Blogger MsAPhillips said...

Make it so! The Barbara Bush cot is a winner. The moment is ripe for just such an enterprise! I think someone from MoveOn.org would be willing to finance this on the side...

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

Milfshake made milk come out my nose. HILARIOUS

Blogger Shannon said...

I'd comment but I'm too busy laughing.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

I betcha Barbara Bush already has Refugee Cot's in production.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Toys for Twats was my idea dammit!!! God that is a great name. And I love the Nerf shovel idea, although I do prefer the idea of using a taser on people that slow down the line.

Thank you for making tea come out of my nose.

Blogger yournamehere said...

lavinia,
I've met a few blog friends by stopping by their HNT post and making lewd comments about their goods. I'm glad to know the suburbs are homogenized all over the globe.

dena,
We worship each other, then. That may not be possible; someone has to be the deity. I nominated you because you've been blogging longer and sometimes your blog is so awesome it makes mine look like it was written by an ape with a spear through his head.
And I was going to list the non-white people who comment on my blog, but that's about the whitest thing I could ever do, huh?

blonde,
our trained mixologists will make any drink you like, and the bar will obstruct their cootchies.

ruben,
Cool. I haven't won a trophy since I came in third at the pie-eating contest at the Kentucky State Fair.

milfshake,
Alright, a kiss from a married chick. Wanna go to a Pearl Jam concert?

bobby,
there's already a Swap Meat? Well, that's one honest bar.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kristina,
coming soon to a passive-aggressive toy store near you.

msaphillips,
Barbara Bush sucks. That is all.

knitty,
If milf had come out of your nose, then we'd have something.

shannon,
that was a comment in and of itself.

ms. pants,
I'll sue the bitch.

brooke,
I'll gladly make you a partner in the Toys for Twats venture. I need someone with...well, a vagina, to lend credibility to the enterprise.

If you collect all of the liquid that shoots out of your nose and then send it to me, I'll drink it on my birthday.

Blogger katarina said...

I would totally shop at Toys for Twats.
I would like to be greeted at the door by a man in a Chippendale's costume and handcuffs.
When I leave, I want to be spanked right out of the door.
And my shopping bag must be in the shape of a huge penis.

Blogger ginonymous said...

i don't know that i would shop at toys for twats in person, but i would totally order their stuff and have it gift-wrapped (preferably with a klaxon attached) and delivered by singing girls to my friends at their places of employment. so good.

milfshake. god dammit. i've been singing it to myself ALL DAY. thanks a lot, todd.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kat,
you can have the male stripper at the door, but I get to spank your ass on your way out.

a.a.,
It's my goal to have people all over this country humming the milfshake song.

Blogger katarina said...

By all means. I would love for you to spank me out the door.

And I've been singing the song too. Damn you.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

Here's my get rich quick scheme....The Weight Loss Hat. I haven't figured out how it works but damn that's a million dollar idea.

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