In the late eighties I saw a comedian named Bob Zany provide the perfect response to a completely asinine statement. I waited for years to be able to use it in its proper context. Finally, at a friend's party in the spring of 2000, a stranger started talking to me and gave me the greatest gift of all, the gift of making her feel like an ass.
This is a word-for-word conversation from that night. It is eerily similar to Bob Zany's comedy routine. My statements are in blue.
"Hi, I'm (name long ago forgotten)."
"Nice to meet you. I'm Todd."
"(So and so) says you're doing Weight Watchers. You know, if you lost enough weight, I'd have sex with you."
"Excuse me?"
"If you lose some of that extra weight, I'll have sex with you."
"If I lose weight I won't want to fuck you. It's now or never, bay-bee."
Thanks, Bob Zany.
This is a word-for-word conversation from that night. It is eerily similar to Bob Zany's comedy routine. My statements are in blue.
"Hi, I'm (name long ago forgotten)."
"Nice to meet you. I'm Todd."
"(So and so) says you're doing Weight Watchers. You know, if you lost enough weight, I'd have sex with you."
"Excuse me?"
"If you lose some of that extra weight, I'll have sex with you."
"If I lose weight I won't want to fuck you. It's now or never, bay-bee."
Thanks, Bob Zany.
12 Comments:
Huh, you handled that one like a champ.
Doesn't it feel great when you get a chance to burn someone that bad, good comeback.
I think the expression "Zing" covers that superbly.
egan,
A champ? Yeah, I was born in the same city as Muhammad Ali.
blonde,
she was a palsy-twated cunt (to quote myself, which is a tad pretentious). See ya in December!
sherri,
In a way I was waiting for years to use that comeback, but I never thought I'd come across anyone so cruel/insensitive/stupid. Thanks for commenting.
ms. pants,
It was hard to keep a straight face when I said that.
kristina,
she knew the girl who threw the party, so I guess she was going to use her for information on my progress.
w.w. bob,
Thanks. And an assist to my good friend (especially at the time) alcohol.
Everyone: That comment didn't get her to leave! She laughed and kept talking. I sat there nodding in silence, occasionally commenting on the attractiveness of other women at the party, i.e. "She's hot; I bet I'd have to lose weight AND tone up before she'd do me." Finally, she left, but not before GIVING ME HER NUMBER, which I left on a coffee table for all to see.
That is a dream come true exchange.
Another possible response could have been, "Thanks for sharing. Perfect excuse to go off my diet."
"occasionally commenting on the attractiveness of other women at the party, i.e. "She's hot; I bet I'd have to lose weight AND tone up before she'd do me." Finally, she left, but not before GIVING ME HER NUMBER, which I left on a coffee table for all to see."
LMAO, Todd I think I like this even better than your come back honey. Nicely done! Still lovin' you!
milfie,
my iron will was tested, but I held firm.
mo,
she was a cheesey skank.
brooke,
actually, the thought of her made me lose my appetite.
rachel,
While typing this post last night around midnight-thirty, I fell asleep in front of the computer, woke up, saved what I had, and finished it in the morning. It was originally going to be a longer entry.
knitty,
I don't know if she meant that as a joke or was serious or what, but talk to someone for more than thirty seconds before mentioning sex.
Katarina made me spit soup on my keyboard.
Great conversation, completely absurd woman. Glad you got to use your comeback. Well done.
.... you know canada has its gong show moments to!
Found you from a comment on Kris' site. That was GREAT. good stuff here.
kat,
her boobs were okay, but they masked her cold, dark heart.
monkey,
thanks for taking time from your feces-flinging schedule to comment on my blog.
indie,
she was too stupid to have her ego diminished, but I amused myself, which is always my primary goal.
'shake,
yeah. One world, one stupidity.
'jewels,
Kris is a blogging goddess. Thanks for stopping by.
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