Saturday, September 17, 2005
A Dream Come True
In the late eighties I saw a comedian named Bob Zany provide the perfect response to a completely asinine statement. I waited for years to be able to use it in its proper context. Finally, at a friend's party in the spring of 2000, a stranger started talking to me and gave me the greatest gift of all, the gift of making her feel like an ass.

This is a word-for-word conversation from that night. It is eerily similar to Bob Zany's comedy routine. My statements are in blue.

"Hi, I'm (name long ago forgotten)."

"Nice to meet you. I'm Todd."

"(So and so) says you're doing Weight Watchers. You know, if you lost enough weight, I'd have sex with you."

"Excuse me?"

"If you lose some of that extra weight, I'll have sex with you."

"If I lose weight I won't want to fuck you. It's now or never, bay-bee."

Thanks, Bob Zany.


22 Comments:

Blogger Egan said...

Huh, you handled that one like a champ.

Blogger Blonde said...

That woman is a cunt.

Great comeback! I like my men with meat on them and tall enough to climb like a tree.

I will be in Vegas in December ;).

Blogger Sherri said...

Doesn't it feel great when you get a chance to burn someone that bad, good comeback.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

What a bitch! You handled it perfectly!

Blogger Kristina said...

Wow. What does that even mean, "If you lost enough weight, I'd have sex with you."

Was she planning on getting your number and calling you in a month to see if you had reached your goal weight?

She's retarded. Retarded people annoy me. And she's a bitch. Bitchy people piss me off.

Good comeback!

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

I think the expression "Zing" covers that superbly.

Blogger yournamehere said...

egan,
A champ? Yeah, I was born in the same city as Muhammad Ali.

blonde,
she was a palsy-twated cunt (to quote myself, which is a tad pretentious). See ya in December!

sherri,
In a way I was waiting for years to use that comeback, but I never thought I'd come across anyone so cruel/insensitive/stupid. Thanks for commenting.

ms. pants,
It was hard to keep a straight face when I said that.

kristina,
she knew the girl who threw the party, so I guess she was going to use her for information on my progress.

Blogger yournamehere said...

w.w. bob,
Thanks. And an assist to my good friend (especially at the time) alcohol.

Everyone: That comment didn't get her to leave! She laughed and kept talking. I sat there nodding in silence, occasionally commenting on the attractiveness of other women at the party, i.e. "She's hot; I bet I'd have to lose weight AND tone up before she'd do me." Finally, she left, but not before GIVING ME HER NUMBER, which I left on a coffee table for all to see.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Wow. Mean, conceited AND stupid. What a woman!

And you turned THAT down?

Blogger MoDigli said...

Can we all say CLUELESS??!!?!?!
I hate it when ppl don't get it that they're idiots.
What a moron!

Blogger Brookelina said...

That is a dream come true exchange.
Another possible response could have been, "Thanks for sharing. Perfect excuse to go off my diet."

Blogger Rachel said...

"occasionally commenting on the attractiveness of other women at the party, i.e. "She's hot; I bet I'd have to lose weight AND tone up before she'd do me." Finally, she left, but not before GIVING ME HER NUMBER, which I left on a coffee table for all to see."

LMAO, Todd I think I like this even better than your come back honey. Nicely done! Still lovin' you!

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

some women are really really dumb and apparently see their vagina as a reward for weight loss. Not quite how that all works...

It's crazy that a comedy routine included something so ridiculous, it is INSANE that you had to face that in real life.

Blogger yournamehere said...

milfie,
my iron will was tested, but I held firm.

mo,
she was a cheesey skank.

brooke,
actually, the thought of her made me lose my appetite.

rachel,
While typing this post last night around midnight-thirty, I fell asleep in front of the computer, woke up, saved what I had, and finished it in the morning. It was originally going to be a longer entry.

knitty,
I don't know if she meant that as a joke or was serious or what, but talk to someone for more than thirty seconds before mentioning sex.

Blogger katarina said...

You should've told her that you'd have sex with her if she got bigger tits.
Her loss, bay-bee.

Blogger Monkey said...

Katarina made me spit soup on my keyboard.

Great conversation, completely absurd woman. Glad you got to use your comeback. Well done.

Blogger IndependentGrl said...

Good for you Todd! Glad you ruined her ego trip...

Blogger mastershake said...

.... you know canada has its gong show moments to!

Blogger babyjewels said...

Found you from a comment on Kris' site. That was GREAT. good stuff here.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kat,
her boobs were okay, but they masked her cold, dark heart.

monkey,
thanks for taking time from your feces-flinging schedule to comment on my blog.

indie,
she was too stupid to have her ego diminished, but I amused myself, which is always my primary goal.

'shake,
yeah. One world, one stupidity.

'jewels,
Kris is a blogging goddess. Thanks for stopping by.

Blogger Lulu said...

I found this from Bobby's site.
She sounds absolutely precious.

Blogger Lulu said...

Kyra Sedjwick needs a shovel in the face for that show Closer. I have never seen it, but everytime I hear her voice on the commercials I want stap an ink pen into my eardrum.

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