Tuesday, September 20, 2005
Here's a Crowd Pleaser: Abortion
I thought I'd take a little time off from asking for boob pics to talk about the airy, lighthearted subject of abortion. Why? Because abortions will be illegal before you can say, "Why was Kerry so dull?" Take a picture of Roe V. Wade; its days are numbered.

Yes, ladies, pretty soon the "religious" right will have their cloven hooves all over your reproductive rights, so let's take the time to discuss a few facts.

- If men had babies abortions would be much easier to obtain. Actually, this is an understatement; they would be ridiculously easy to obtain. There'd be an abortion clinic in every Super Walmart in America; Domino's would bring abortion providers to your door and throw in a large one-topping; and Starbucks would sell pennyroyal tea.

And the way we guys procrastinate, you can forget about the partial-birth debate. Partial-birth, a non-scientific term invented by right-wingers, would be called "last minute" abortions. This would be the typical conversation between a man and a woman:


"What's wrong, Bob?"

"Well, Susan, I think I'm going into labor."

"Bob, you were supposed to get an abortion on Saturday. How many times did I remind you?"

"Yeah, but the game went into overtime and the guys were over..."

(Sighs). "Well, okay; I'll go get the coathanger."

"Hurry up, I can see its head."

- Anti-abortion extremists always try to hand dead fetuses to pro-choice politicians as a publicity stunt. Where are these people getting all of these dead babies? How does one come to possess an abortion? Does Haliburton have the distribution rights?

- Partial-birth abortions do not exist. The term "partial birth" as aforementioned, was invented by the right wing hype machine to frighten normal people into believing abortion doctors are committing genocide. On this quaint little planet I like to call "Earth", third-trimester abortions are only performed when the woman is in danger of carrying full term. A woman can't stop at an abortion clinic on the way to Olive Garden and have an eight-month-old fetus ripped out because it makes her look fat in her dress. This leads to my next point.

- The VAST majority of women who have an abortion do so after a hell of a lot of soul searching. The pro-life fringe members, including your president (not mine, I voted against him), want middle America to think that damn dirty hippie chicks are just having abortions left and right.

"Will you punch my frequent abortion card? If I buy two more the next one's free!" Please.

- Lastly, the fate of Roe V. Wade should not be determined by the Supreme Court; it should be put to a vote. The women of the United States should be allowed to decide for themselves. And this should only apply to women young enough to bear children. Old bitties with cobweb-infested cootches can shut up and sit it out with the men.

Being a man, I have no real opinion about abortion other than it's a woman's choice. You see, it's a trade off: I don't have to pass a tiny human through my sex organ and in return I don't tell a woman what to do regarding abortion. I think I got a good deal.

Tomorrow: Back to tomfoolery, I promise.


Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

very interesting pro-abortion post... I read a t-shirt once that said "If men could get pregnant abortion would be sacrament"

my only worry with a vote is that it would turn into an abortion crapshoot, because only certain states would pass it.

Blogger katarina said...

I don't feel it's anyone's right to tell me what to do, not that I would do it.

But, a question for you, Todd:
Would you feel differently if it were your baby that was going to be aborted? Wouldn't you want a say in it?

Blogger Brookelina said...

Todd, will you have my baby?

Blogger yournamehere said...

I prefer to say "pro choice" over "pro abortion". Also, it would be a nationwide vote. Fuck letting the states decide. Most states can't even build a decent highway, so the hell with 'em.

yes, I would want a say. I was speaking in generalities as far as men telling all women what to do. However, if she chose differently, my only option would be to accept her decision. When you said "I don't feel it's anyone's right to tell me what to do.." you answered the question.

Blogger yournamehere said...

we can always adopt. Now, if you decide to abort the adopted child, I would have to take issue.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I have made my sentiments on this issue known on Miss Knit's blog before, but...

Yeah, no woman pees on the stick, sees a plus sign and squeals, "All right! Now I can have that abortion I've always wanted!"

If conservatives wanted to really end abortion, they could work toward the following goals: make sex education and birth control more available; eliminate social iniquities; end violence and degradation of women. I don't see them pushing any of those plans forward.

Blogger Übermilf said...

Oh, that won't eliminate abortions, but it would cut down on them considerably.

And, I forgot to add adequate medical (including prenatal) care for everyone and social programs to help ensure all kids are housed and fed properly.

The average age of the homeless in Chicago is 9 because of all the kids.

Compassionate conservative?

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I prefer pro-choice as well, pro-abortion does make you sound like you enjoy running around making babies so you can abort them.

You know what I hate though? "pro-life" cause, whose life?

Blogger Nettie B said...

I am pro-choice. I don't believe it should be as abused as it is currently with women using it as "birth control" but I don't think the right to choose should be taken from women.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm amazed at the lucidity of your arguments and the eloquence of your words. It's hard to believe you're the same woman who's taunting me with the world's greatest brownie recipe.

they're only pro-life until the baby is born; then they're anti-life.

unfortunately, all rights are abused by some. Politicians love to take the actions of some to prove their point.

Blogger Egan said...

My humble opinion dictates that men lose any say over this matter when they decide not to wear a condom. That's just what I am saying.

Blogger Lulu said...

Todd, can I have your abortion?

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I understand the whole "don't abuse the priviledge, and get a million aboritions" argument, but it reallly doesn't happen as often as you think. The perpetuation of that argument is part of the 'pro-life' machine..

Blogger Shannon said...

Please don't call him my president.

Unfortunately, I feel a nationwide vote would result in a ban of abortion. I fear the religious right. They hide among us dirty hippy abortion addicts. ;)

Blogger peppylady said...

A lot things are going to change in this country. Confession time The religious right scare the hell out of me. The religious talks how important life is and the don't want to help anyone after their born. Their in favor cutting programs such as W.I.C, Pregnut care for the low income, H.U.D and in program that might help the low income.

Blogger Monkey said...

I don't feel intelligent enough to comment on this post, but I am pro-choice. I wouldn't want to be in the postition where I had to make that choice. I can't imagine how difficult and painful it would be.

But I firmly believe the government has no place in my body. I've always enjoyed the "what if men had babies" argument. Always effective.

Monkey's Human

Blogger FRITZ said...

Thank you. Just...thanks.
As a chick, I get SO PISSED about this whole thing...GOD DAMN CONSERVATIVES.

And, katarina-blog, of course male partners have a right to an opinion...BUT NOT AS MUCH AS WOMEN.

What I've always thought about 'pro-lifers'...generally white, middle class, married, etc. The poster child for 'abortion queens' are minority women, un-married, poor.

So, I guess they want these women to have these kids just so the conservatives can kill 'em later with the death penalty.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

Granted I do keep some mixed company, but I can think of two cases right off the top of my head where women (not girls) that I know have had more than 2 abortions.

What, pray tell, is that magic number that moves it from an 'oops' to 'I don't have to be responsible because I can run down to Planned Parenthood (don't even get me started) and find someone to take care of this?'

"And this should only apply to women young enough to bear children." - holy shit, really????? Are we including the 15 year olds in this voting process as well? How about the 13 year olds? Do they get a vote? No, maybe they should get two or three votes since they will be in the 'irresponsible spawning pool' longer than most.

Love ya Todd! ;)

Blogger Kristine said...

I think this is one of your best posts ever, if not expressly for the dialogue alone. Wow, that was funny.

Blogger Pixel said...

So, women do soul searching but men would just kill left and right? And how do you know what soul searching the vast number of women do?

I have control over my reproductive rights wether roe v. wade stands or night. I decide what dicks go inside me and when. Lookey there, I just avoided the need for an abortion.

And don't bring up rape and incest, less than 1 percent of abortions are for that reason. I was raped, and I still decided against the morning after pill.

Late term abortions are much damaging to the women. Not to mention you can count the fingers on the child. When that happens, it kinda kills the debate over whether it is a child or not.

Blogger Pixel said...

sorry didnt mean to sound evil. I blame my cold.

Blogger Übermilf said...

My beloved Todd, I'll give you one hint about my brownie recipe: it isn't this one.

Both extremes exaggerate this issue. Most people who get abortions are neither nonchalant hedonists nor persecuted rape victims. Instead, most are frightened and feel that bringing the child into the world wouldn't be doing him or her any favors. All of them would prefer not to be put in the situation in the first place.

None of us can judge why or how they got in their difficult position. Life is not easy for a great number of people in America. It's easier to point fingers and judge than to actually make overall living conditions better for them.

I don't trust any statistics; both sides skew the numbers in their favor.

Blogger BLOGSTALKER said...

Awesome post...I emailed it to my friends and family.

Blogger AMS said...

Abortion is illegal in Ireland but it doesn't stop anti abortion activists putting up huge posters of foetuses beside shopping centres in the middle of town on Saturdays when kids are off from school and shopping with their parents. It makes me so sick every time because they just push it in your face so much.

Blogger Randi said...

im proud to be pro choice!

Blogger JJ said...

Bravo, Todd. Unfortunately Republicans have little use for reasoned argument any more than they do for intellectuals because you can't lead an intelligent person around by their fears. You can't bully someone with lies if they know the truth. So, close those books, red-staters, and turn on Fox News.

Blogger Livia said...

I am pro-choice. I do not agree that some people use it as a form of birth control, because really, it isnt that hard to pop a pill or put on a condom.

With that said, the fact that it could be over-turned makes me sick. Why should a man decide what I do with my body??

If and when it does become illegal, you will see a lot more girls dying from "coathanger" abortions. Damn I remember that after school special.

Pixel... "I was raped, and I still decided against the morning after pill. " So what youre saying is, if you were pregnant, you wouldn't have been reminded everyday all day that your child was from someone who raped you? And you'd love that child the same as a child you had from your husband?? Sorry I'm not sensitive to this because to me that sounds ridiculous and impossible.

>end rant<

Blogger Princess Steph said...


Were I in Pixels situation I would have done the same - for me it is a religious belief, and I bet it is the same for her.

Just because you could not love a child born of rape doesn't mean that there aren't those of us who could. And abortion is not the only option when it comes to having a child that is not 'wanted.'

As for people using it as a form of birth control, yes it does happen. It is easy to pop a pill and put on a condom, yet here we are discussing this issue of abortion because people DO NOT pop that pill or put on that condom. Nobody ever said that people are smart my dear.

Blogger Des said...

Birth control is not 100% effective. I have a friend who had two of her three children while she was on birth control.

Blogger Nettie B said...

It's possible to get pregnant while on the pill. My second child is proof of it...and I took mine RELIGIOUSLY (same time every night.) EVERY night. It just goes to show no matter how "safe" you think you're being - something can go wrong. Condoms break. I still think it's a womans right to choose.

Birth defects are another factor. There are some people who could not - physically and emotionally - take on such a tremendous responsibility as raising a child with - say - downs syndrome or another form of birth defect. Should that person be MADE to? Yes - they can put the child up for adoption - but what are the chances that particular child is going to be adopted? Would'nt that be worse than the alternative?

And I'd like to echo what Princess Steph said...what about the 13-17 year olds getting pregnant? They aren't old enough to vote - but their old enough to have babies. I was listening on the radio this am about the age range around the states for consentual sex. There are some states that show 12 year olds feeling they are old enough to have sex. Twelve year olds.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I read a great article about women that were interviewed at an abortion clinic. One was a woman that while serving her country in Iraq, had her depo-shot and they did it in the wrong place, rendering it less effective. She came back from her tour of duty and wound up pregnant.

I think the bottom line that we can all agree on (I hope) is that no matter what the circumstance, women should be given the right to choose what to do with their body. Some may judge women for not using birth control, or getting multiple abortions but the bottom line is that it the option shouldn't be taken away.

Blogger Egan said...

Todd, I bet you're enjoying this one. Just sit back and watch the sparks fly. Can I suggest the death penalty as the next topic?

Nothing gets people fired up like a nice discussion on reproductive rights.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Both times their president was elected (I didn't vote for him, either) I cried like a baby. This issue is what I was most afraid of. Originally I thought, how the hell could that get reversed? I mean, fucking hello W, it's 2005! What's next? Reinstating Jim Crow laws?

Blogger yournamehere said...

I think men lose that right by not having a uterus.

Can you have my abortion? Sure, I'm not using it.

the pro-life machine is shiny and has lots of gadgets.

the religious right is a lot of old men, who can't vote under my brilliant scheme.

so many people live in absolute fear that their tax dollars might buy someone a loaf of bread.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

Check your e-mail, sinner.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm not sure how I feel, only that the choice isn't mine.

no abortions, plenty of executions; it's all about the timing.

allow me to confess that I never considered minors having abortions when I wrote this post. That's another topic. Anyone else want to write about it?

thanks. Sometimes I use my humor to heal; then there's times like this.

You didn't sound "evil", you expressed your views. I do feel women IN GENERAL are more nurturing than men (exaggerated for comedic effect).
I think women who are better educated will make the right decisions regarding their sexuality and the result will be less abortions and less unwanted pregnancies carried full term that produce unwanted children.

Blogger yournamehere said...

The more I think about the poll and the douchebags who are voting against me the angrier I become. Seriously, allow me to state for the record that anyone who voted against me is a half-witted jackass.
Oh, as far as abortion, yeah, what you said.

thank you for spreading my propaganda.

are they protesting the possibility of abortion?

so am I.

I watch Fox News to hear the dramatic music.

Blogger yournamehere said...

a man shouldn't decide what you do with your body, but some of them will try.

I respect your beliefs and I hope you respect mine.

yes, birth control isn't foolproof.

when I'm out in public I see children dressed inappropriately for their age and they're with their parents. Did you do a post a long time ago about parents who are more interested in being cool than being parents?

I agree with Ubie. About abortion issues, not the withholding of the brownie recipe.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I'm not enjoying all of this comment answering.

ms. pants,
I only cried on the inside when Bush was elected.

I'm checking.

Blogger Crystal said...

Todd, I agree wholeheartedly with your post and the gov't needs to stay out of the bedroom! Conservatives don't give a crap about babies the minute they're born (or else they would not be cutting food stamp & welfare), and really the abortion battle is about controlling women's bodies. Untimately the woman will pay the price for any new life brought into the world via her body, so it should be her choice 100%.

Blogger Nettie B said...

Todd - yep - it was when I was out to dinner. A girl was with an older woman who I assumed was her mother - maybe step mother. The older woman wanted to seem "cool" in the girls eyes and was bascially cheering the girl on when she spoke of things she truly shouldnt have been doing. It was sad. I wanted to throw my salad bowl at her.

Blogger n.v. said...

goddamn right!

Blogger yournamehere said...

to some people it's about the unborn babies, but does anyone really think the Bush administration really gives a fuck?

that was a good post. It's nice to be able to relate to kids, but they need role models more than friends.

Thanks for your profane endorsement, my dear.

Blogger Egan said...

Okay, I won't comment on this heated topic after this one. I don't want to ruin your comment response karma Todd. By the way, I totally agrue with you about the guys and uterus thing. It's not a male's decision.

Blogger AMS said...

if you need to have one you can go to the UK but it is all under the table. I don't think it will ever be legalised here because the country is too catholic

Blogger ginonymous said...


i wasn't going to send you a picture of my boobs for your birthday until i read this.

also, brownies.

big points. great post.

Blogger Used Hack said...


Great post. Things would be a whole lot different if men could either have babies or stay the fuck out of it.

Blogger Egan said...

Agree, not agrue. Gosh, I'm so stupid sometimes.

Blogger yournamehere said...


so they just pushed it into the back alleys, huh?

you're sending me boobs and brownies? Cool.

used h.,
we rule the world with a ham fist.

and I thought you were speaking some crazy moon-man language.

Blogger Kristina said...

I'm not a manhater. I'm feminist. I'm a stay at home mom. I'm an advocate of equal rights. And I've given birth to a baby. I love this line. It rocks and you rock.

"I don't have to pass a tiny human through my sex organ and in return I don't tell a woman what to do regarding abortion. I think I got a good deal."

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