Saturday, September 24, 2005
My Birthday Options
Today is my mutha fuckin' birthday. Oh, what to do to celebrate. I have the following options.

- I could sit at home, eat my weight in rice krispie treats and drink boysenberry wine until I forget I'm old enough to remember guys in my neighborhood being into disco.

- Target is having a sale on Saved by the Bell DVDs.

- If I go downtown to a casino on the corner of Crack Whore Drive and Hate Crime Avenue, I could get their birthday special: Any one celebrating a birthday alone who agrees to wear the infamous leopard skin sombrero gets a fried twinkie with a lone candle for only 99 cents.

- Two words: Vicodin Colada.

- There's a girl with a lazy eye and a gimp leg who works at a Dairy Queen in North Las Vegas, and I think she fancies me.

- Jay Leno's in town tonight. I could get a front row seat and scream "You suck Timothy McVeigh's ghost-cock in hell, you hamhock-chinned lump" until security escorts me from the hotel. I can't afford that, though. Damn.

- Maybe I'll finish my screenplay about an overweight, underemployed man who defies odds and basic logic to marry Jessica Alba.

Maybe next year will be better.


28 Comments:

Blogger Jillibean said...

Happy birthday from a fellow KY girl (also temporarily displaced). I found you thru Kath - and read you daily. Perhaps a combination of all your possibilities? That would make for a (non) memorable evening...

Blogger Brookelina said...

Masturbate. You'll feel better. And it's sex with someone you love.

Blogger EEK! said...

Happy birthday!

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

My dearest, beloved Todd,

Though the miles separate us on this, your very special day, know that my thoughts and desires are with you.

You are another year more wonderful, another year more insightful, another year more... you.

I bid you every happiness you deserve, my sweet.

Blogger Blonde said...

Happy Birthday!!!!!

Go out, get drunk and screw! That is what I did on my recent birthday.

I sent a pic of my boobies, so I came through with my gift ;).

Her Milfesty was so eloquent in her message, and I am screaming at you to go out and party...

Blogger Rachel said...

I woke up thinking about you this morning hon...hoping you have a wonderful birthday my darling Todd!


Hopefully I will get to see you soon!

Blogger Nettie B said...

Toddles..Here's wishing you a fantastic birthday. Wish I could be there to celebrate with ya - but know that even though I cant be, my thoughts are.

Hugs and Smoochies...

Blogger Shannon said...

Happy Birthday! You could always go to the greek festival and get felt up by men drunk on Uzo....or at least that's what I'm doin' today.

Blogger Bobby said...

Happy BDay.

No matter what you do, the vicoden will make it better....

Blogger MollyNormal said...

I'd like to see you wearing a leopard skin sombrero - and nothing else. Hehehe Happy Birthday babe. Here's hoping you can manage a free hummer!!

Blogger Osbasso said...

Ooh--free hummers! That's what I'd go looking for! And if that doesn't happen, Brooke's idea is always a winner... Can't be all bad. You got boobies from the Blonde!

Have a jail-free Happy Birthday!! My future wife and I will hoist a stein in your honor!

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Does anything say happy birthday like a fried twinkie?! Well maybe the vicodin colada. Either way, have a great birthday!

Blogger yournamehere said...

jillibean,
Thanks for the comment. Which city in Kentucky are you from?

brooke,
unfortunately, I don't love myself. I sometimes use myself for sex, though.

eek,
thanks. I'll be back in Louisville for the holidays. I hope to be invited to one of the infamous cocktail parties you guys throw.

ubie,
are you sure you have the right Todd? I'm the douche who asked for boobie pics, remember? Seriously, thanks so much for the eloquent sentiments.

Blonde,
I doubt I'll have much luck in the screwing department, but I'll try.
Also, thanks for the pic and don't worry; you were eloquent in your own way.

rachel,
could you be any sweeter? Thanks, babe.

Blogger yournamehere said...

nettie,
thanks, dear. Hugs and smoochies right back at ya.

shannon,
I'm one-quarter Greek. Does that mean I can fondle half a boob?

bobby,
regarding Vicodan, can hundreds of thousands of suburban housewives be wrong?

mollyn.,
I'm fairly sure you'd want me to be wearing more than just the sombrero, but thanks for being so sweet.

os,
in Vegas, all hummers come with strings attached, but I'll see what I can do.

ms. pants,
I've never had a fried twinkie. I just can't do it. To me, it's an admission of defeat at the game of life.

Blogger Belle said...

Happy birthday!

What about your brownie recipes? I thought you were planning on spending your birthday in a brownie-induced stupor?

And, yes, I'm sending a pic of my boobies (probably clothed, since they're shy).

Blogger n.v. said...

Happy birfday, Todderick. I like your screenplay idea.

Blogger Anthony said...

Happy Birthday. I'd go for the fried twinkie option, Jay Leno isn't worthy enough to be belittled, he'll have to earn that back. So it's twinkie if you ask me, or the gimp-legged girl. Or both.

Blogger Kath said...

Just checking in to see how your 'day of birth' celebration is going. Having Jager shots for you later on tonite! With brownies, of course :-)

Blogger aughra said...

I think they all sound like super options.

But the Vicodin, and Brooke's suggestion, sound the best.

Blogger katarina said...

I think milf should write greeting cards.

Happy Birthday!
I love ya!

Blogger MoDigli said...

Happy birthday to you!
Happy birthday to YOU!
Happy Birthday, Y-N-AAaaaaay-H!
Happy birthday to you!

How oh-old are you?
how oh-old are you?
how Oooohhhhh-OLD are you?
How oh-old are you?

I hope you got lots of boob pictures and at least one brownie recipe! Lots of love and hugs from Ohio! :)

Blogger tango jellybean said...

I had a good time singing to you this evening. I finally started my blog...screamingargonauts.blogspot.com. Feel free to go ahead with whatever it was you were going to say about me. HAPPY BIRTHDAY(and sorry you missed the showin' era)
And remember, They Might Be Giants say: You're older than you've ever been and now you're even older...

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Were you trying to say there's something wrong with Saved by the Bell?

Blogger yournamehere said...

belle,
thanks for the pic. I'm going to use ubie's recipe tomorrow while I watch football.

dena,
sorry you're feeling under the weather, kid. Thanks for wishing me a happy birfday.

anthony,
the gimp girl was fired, apparently for having sex with customers. Seems she fancied everyone.

kath,
I cannot do jager shots.

aughra,
I settled for advil and just teasing myself.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kat,
ubie is multi-talented. And I love ya right back, sweetie.

mo,
you have a lovely typing voice.

tango,
finally. You know you're one of my favorite people on earth.

ms.pants,
Saved by the Bell was great in an ironic sort of way.

Blogger Evil Petting Zoo said...

Saved By the Bell DVDs. Hands down. Happy Birthday man.

Blogger Livia said...

Happy birthday!!

(ssorry its a few days late!)

Blogger AMS said...

Happy belated birthday!

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