Thursday, September 29, 2005
This is why I could never live in a small town
On Tuesday, my job took me to the sprawling metropolis of Cedar City, Utah. "Jesus," everybody's thinking as one, "you sure must have a shitty job that would lead you to such a place." Yes. Yes I do.

While there, my boss and I enquired as to a good place to eat lunch. A local woman half-heartedly named a few places, then suddenly her eyes lit up. "Oh, I know..." she said with extreme enthusiasm. I actually shook in anticipation of the culinary delights that awaited us. She continued: "They just opened an Applebee's across the street."

Oh. Fucking Applebee's. She then, swear to God, put her fingers to her pursed lips and gave the universal 'bon appetit' gesture. For Applebee's. For the Home of the Riblet. I had to think about that twathole Mike Brown to avoid laughing in her face. Speaking of Mike Brown, if Cedar City ever gets a T.G.I. Friday's or a Chili's the town might flood from the moisture coming off of this woman's panties.

We ended up eating Mormon Mexican at a joint next door to Applebee's. Everyone in the restaurant was blonde. With my light brown hair I actually felt swarthy for the first (and probably last) time in my life. Do Mormons consider spice a deadly sin? My burrito was so bland it made Taco Bell seem like a gastronomic journey through Central America.

Lessons learned: Never ask a skinny person for a restaurant recommendation and never live in a county with less than two malls.


33 Comments:

Blogger tango jellybean said...

Wait...you mean to tell me that Applebee's is all over the country now? Holy Christ, I'm buying an RV and going out on tour!!!!

Blogger Shannon said...

Wait, never eat in a town where they don't sell hard alcohol.

Blogger zona boy said...

fifty three

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Cedar City, UT is a portal to hell. Trust me I know, my aunt is from there.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

The corporate homogenisation of America marches on unabated.....

Applebee's is kinda like the new McDonalds except you can get drunk of your ass in Applebee's. They haven't reached their tenticles over the pond yet, but I'm sure it's just a matter of time.

Blogger ginonymous said...

the ICT, while not a "small" town keeps a lot of that smalltown feel by generally ostracizing everyone who doesn't look or act like "us" and by looking down our collective nose at sinful badness like gambling, sex, alcohol, etc.

so there's that.

on the other hand, we have a high percentage of middle eastern folks and mexicans, and therefore the colon can go on a journey all it's own.

so if the mind can journey where the colon dares..wait. i just lost my poetic metaphor here..

Blogger Heather said...

but you hate malls...

Blogger JJ said...

The evil of corporate aggression is only topped by the malevolence of corporate food - except for Chili's queso which is better even than real Mexicans can make it - and one of the reasons I moved to River City from Dallas where everything you ate came from Sysco.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Someone once said, "Never eat in a restaurant advertised on TV."

Sage advice.

Next time, I suggest packing a sandwich.

I am lucky to live in a city of many immigrants; WASP cuisine, with the exception of the club sandwich, leaves much to be desired.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

Applebee's food sucks anyway. It would have been even more bland than your Mormon burrito.

Come to Texas...we have plenty of really good Tex Mex and big boobs to go around.

Blogger Princess Steph said...

Yes, I shall echo what Andi said.

You want spice, we've got spice. You want big boobs, yeah we've got those too (well some of us...)

Blogger Blonde said...

I grew up in a small town, and when an Olive Garden opened these idiots lined up to eat there.

I refuse, refuse, refuse to eat at a shitty chain restaraunt. I would take Mormon Mexican over Applebees anyday.

I never ask skinny people or people without teeth for restaurant reccomendations ;).

I am treating you to mexican and margaritas at Pink Taco when I get to Vegas in December!!!!!

Blogger Blonde said...

I always forget to tell you something....

Every time I read your posts, I imagine them being spoken with Stewie's voice (it is your profile pic that triggers it). It makes me laugh even harder.

Kisses!

Blogger Nettie B said...

Applebee's are gross. After visiting Texas you can come to Cali for all kinds of different types of food and an abundance of ginormous fake tits :) LOL

Blogger Brookelina said...

These places are gross because they serve pre-packaged food and drop it in a pot of boiling water. They also hire people that can't get a job anywhere else and don't know that washing hands after using the bathroom is the law.

Next time go to the grocery store and buy yourself a nice sandwich.

Blogger Crystal said...

I forgot what I was going to say because I read these comments and now all I want for Christmas is a t-shirt that says, "I Ate At The Pink Taco".

My mother will hemorrhage when I wear it on Christmas morn.

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Hey Can of Worms,
I have a friend who owns a "Pink Taco" tank....she didn't know what it meant, she got really embarrassed when we explained she was a wearing a hot little pink snatch tank.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Pink taco...somewhere out there Beevis and Butthead are going "hee hee hee". Between you and "The Blonde" I have multiple depends moments laughing my ass off!

Thanks!

Blogger Ruben said...

I feel your pain.

Blogger Crystal said...

I use to live in a small town and I remember one Valentine's Day when my husband and I decided to go out for dinner to celebrate. All those chains (Chili's, Applebees, TGI Fridays) had like, an hour long waiting time, it was ridiculous! Now that I'm in a big city I can eat at REAL restaurants, and people in Chicago wouldn't be caught dead at a chain. It's basically overpriced fast-food.

Blogger yournamehere said...

amie,
Yeah, and don't forget to hit Red Lobster, either.

shannon,
good advice, although I usually don't have a bourbon with lunch.

zona boy,
twenty-three skidoo.

ms. pants,
does your aunt have an unusual fondness for Applebee's?

whitey bob,
is it possible to bastardise English cuisine?

Blogger zona boy said...

hey man, watch it with the mormons. they own Nevada and watch EVERYTHING.

Blogger yournamehere said...

a.a.,
Mmmm, Mexican food.

heather,
I hate the Galleria in Henderson and the ghetto malls in Vegas, but I liked Mall St. Matthews. Chick-fil-a, baby.

JJ,
Chili's has some apps that are tasty. Entrees, not so much.

milfikins,
There are a few good chains: PF Chang's, Cheescake Factory, Macaroni Grill. While not "special occasion" restaurants, they're solid, in my opinion.

mollyn.,
Maybe not as bland, but twice as butt-dribble inducing.

Blogger yournamehere said...

andi,
seriously, that was one of the most compelling arguments I've ever heard in my entire life.

steph,
I'm now picturing you wearing a refried bean bikini.

blonde,
try to get into a Golden Corral in rural Kentucky. Oh my god the wait. I chose the profile pic carefully. Kisses back at ya.

nettie,
I was in L.A. last summer and ate at Pink's hot dog stand. They have one in a hotel in Vegas now. Not the same.

brooke,
good advice. When I want a good sandwich I always have the grocery deli make one. Much better than Subway.

Blogger yournamehere said...

canofworms,
This place exists and has damn good food and even better margaritas. Their slogan is "Our taco tastes better than yours." No lie.

ms. pants,
if this person is over the age of twelve, please smack her.

little o',
I highly recommend the Pink Taco.

ruben,
if I lived in Chicago I'd weigh nine hundred pounds. Best food city in America.

Crystal,
I feel for those who don't have choices.

zona boy,
if the Mormon's own Vegas, they've got some 'splainin' to do.

Blogger babyjewels said...

I am proud to report I've never eaten at an Applebees. That proud feeling goes away when I remember it was my idea to eat at the Rainforest Cafe. With THE MOST pissed off little 4 year old ever. (but Oh, it'll be fun, I kept telling myself on the drive over. please shot me. God their pizza sucks)

Blogger Monkey said...

I'm always late to the party and this was a good one! I actually guffawed out loud at the "She then, swear to God, put her fingers to her pursed lips and gave the universal 'bon appetit' gesture."

Thankfully, I live in a town with seriously good restaurants... but here's the mystery: they opened an Olive Garden out by the mall and every night of the week, starting around 4:30PM, there are people standing outside with those little beepers... waiting for a table. I suspect that they put something addictive in the food, like heroin.

Blogger Monkey said...

Baby Jewels: been there, done that, have the photo of the pissed off 4 year old to prove it.

Blogger JackassJimmy said...

Man, being from RI people laugh at the size of the state, but to be honest, some of the best seafood and italian are right here. When I went to college in south eastern minnesota, I would laugh my ass off at people who would drive for miles to go to Olive Garden

or...even worse, to Perkins, to get the Grilled Atlantic Cod. We're in the middle of the gd country, how fresh do you expect the fish to be?

As always, keep up the good work.

Cheers,
Jackass

Blogger The real me said...

Chili's makes a meeeeeean margarita!

Or wait... it's Applebees!

Blogger yournamehere said...

babyjewels,
Every Rainforest Cafe I've ever seen is super busy, but no one has ever had a good experience at one.

monkey,
the allure of Olive Garden is a mystery to me. I'd honestly rather eat at Applebee's.

jimmy,
ugh, Perkins is dreadful. It's a Denny's that closes, which makes it absolutely worthless.

real,
they both make decent drinks, but nothing like the Pink Taco.

Blogger The DogGrrrrl said...

Red Lobster is SO much more gourmet.

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