Monday, September 26, 2005
That's me in the corner...that's me in the spotlight..
I don't think I've lost my religion; I believe my religion lost me. I used to go to church fairly regularly but I quit because my motives for attending were all wrong. Here are some of the reasons I don't go to church anymore, other than the fact that I live in Las Vegas and don't trust where that collection plate money is going.

I Hate Hymns - Hymns annoy me. They all have about five long verses and the chorus is repeated after every verse. At my church growing up, the organist studied music with Beethoven; the chick was old. The hymns were played at so slow a pace that every week we'd lose a few elderly from the strain of standing so long.

The terminology puzzles me - Churches have a weird way of saying things. At my church, when someone died, they wouldn't say they died, they would say, "Miss Smith passed from the church militant to the church triumphant." Huh? What kind of everything's just swell pollyanna bullshit is that? Oh, I'm so happy my loved one triumphed. Silly ass me, I thought she got hit by a bus. Of course, as a teenager I mocked this phrase relentlessly. We'd be on a youth group trip and someone would fart in the church van, and I'd say, "It smells like something crawled up your ass and passed from the church militant to the church triumphant."

Potluck dinners sicken me - I'm a big fat buffet-eatin' son of a bitch, so you'd think church potluck dinners would be right up my alley. No. For those of you with decent upbringings who are unaware of the potluck dinner, the church would provide the meat, usually ham slices marbled with about a metric ton of fat and grisle. Church members would provide the rest. Old church members. "Are those dentures floating around in the creamed corn?" "The secret to my brussel sprout soup? I strain it through an old hair net." "Eat your canned beets; they make you grow up big and strong." "Grandpa, can we stop at McDonald's on the way home?"

The Church Lady is real - There was always some nosey old bitch who lived to be in everyone's business. I wanted to smack her upside the head with a pew Bible. Would that have been wrong?

I started to come to church with a hangover - I don't see anything wrong with drinking on Saturday night, except for the fact that it makes church service, normally just a bit tedious, almost unbearable. Don't for a minute think God doesn't have a sense of humor. Every time I'd come to church hungover we'd sing two extra hymns; the handbell choir would play; I'd sit behind a wailing infant; there'd be a guest percussionist; and St. Gabriel him-fucking-self would come down from heaven and blow his god damn trumpet.

Communion wafers suck - Why does something meant to represent the body of Christ taste so abysmal? Communion wafers taste like styrofoam soaked in wombat piss.

Communion wine blows - The blood of Christ my ass. Who knew our savior had rot-gut coursing through his veins?

There were lots of things I liked about my church, but that is for another post.


32 Comments:

Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Church hangovers are the worst. Almost as bad as the explosive diarrhea church potluck food brings on.

And I thought Christ tasted like chicken! At my church, growing up, his blood tasted like water.

Blogger The real me said...

Don't even get me started on the whole incense thing. Choking, nostrils filled with the pungent, burning smoke...

somebody give me a-i-r...

Blogger katarina said...

I thought I was the only one who thought these things and went to such a terrible church. Although, in my church, our communion consisted of bread cubes and Welch's grape juice. I longed for communion because my parents wouldn't buy Welch's. It was too expensive.
I stopped going because of "The Church Lady" who got in my business one too many times. She hurt me consistantly every week. I couldn't take it anymore. I guess she never listened to the love and peace scriptures.
My aunt passed away before Christmas last year. At her funeral, the pastor made sure to tell us a story of how a little boy asked him once if his father who died was watching him from Heaven. He told the little boy, and I quote, "No, he's too busy dancing and celebrating with the Lord to be watching you." I wanted to staple his nuts to the alter for saying that. What a dick. Poor little boy.

Blogger tango jellybean said...

Oh, the UCC. I will have you know that our pastor talked about amputees in our wedding sermon. Amputees! I only ever went to church as a teen 'cause I heard I might get touched inappropriately.

Blogger MoDigli said...

Maybe you should start your own church, Todd. Yeah, The Church of Todd. Or, The YNH Church.

I can only imagine what some of your rituals would involve!!! Could we have brownies instead of communion wafers? And how about Martinis in place of wine? haha!

Blogger yournamehere said...

ms. pants,
Mormons drink water as the sacrement? HMMM.

real,
They didn't have incense at my church; you choked on the thick stench of old lady perfume.

kat,
Grape juice? What kind of cheap ass shit is that? Now I know why there are atheists.

amie,
I think you mistook "church" for "gym class" as far as being inappropriately touched was concerned.

mo,
I'd have to move from Las Vegas because I can't find three wise men and a virgin.

Blogger Cladeedah said...

I don't know what kind of communion wafers you had at your church, but mine tasted Mmm Mmm GOOOD!

Blogger AJ said...

When I explained to my 16 yr old daughter that the wine represented the blood of Christ and the wafer represented his body, without skipping a beat, the smartass said, "Could I have some more Jesus Christ, please?"

Blogger Heather said...

The next time you come home...we're going to Six Flags over Jesus on a Sunday morning!!!

Blogger MoDigli said...

a-ha! too funny with your 3 wise men and a virgin. ... Well, Utah's not too far away, but then, the Mormon's kind of have that state all to themselves.

Blogger Blonde said...

How about getting molested and raped by a priest as a reason not to go?

My church had a priest that was caught diddling young girls and the big wig priest used church money to send him back to the Phillipines before the FBI could get him. He was on AMW.

I don't go to church anymore.

Blogger Crystal said...

If you thought your church was bad, try attending a black church. I was always so envious of the Catholics and their casual 30min. services, because ya see, at a black church you go in at around 9 and don't get out until about 3! Plus you have to be super dressed up. I hated church as a kid, so so boring and my parents wouldn't let us fall asleep.

Blogger Crystal said...

I just hate the churches where the contemporary band and the 4 singers can't get enough of their own voices.The ones where they sing a song, but they can't stop after the 12th singing of the chorus and they keep looping it over and over and over again.

Their eyes are closed, their faces are pinched up, the lights go down and they sing like they're in pain. When I pulled out my Bic and wailed, "Free Bird!" I was invited to never come back. Fucking humorless fascists.

Blogger Ruben said...

I understand you completely. I hate being swarmed by the church nazis that want you to explain why you haven't been there every sunday. OH! and don't even get me started on what it is like to be hit on the head by a church lady's purse while she is flinging it about during holy ghost.

Blogger MsHellion said...

I almost decked the Baptist blowhard who presided over my mammaw's funeral. He actually used her as "bait" to get people to accept Jesus.
"If you ever want to see Sister Arvalene again, you have to accept the Lord Jesus into your heart."

Fucking fascist. He also said that unsaved folks are selfish, greedy and have no morals. Nevermind celebrating the life of a great lady, this guy had some savin' to do.

Fuckwad.

Blogger MsHellion said...

Since I'm on a roll...

At the same funeral, I heard another "Reverend" say that New Orleans got what it deserved because of its sinfulness.

Mighty Christain of ya, asshole.

Blogger WhiteBoyBob said...

Being the sinning heathen that I am, I never went to church beyond the age of 7 - and I only went because the school I went to made me. But I have to say that post is funny as fuck. Top marks!

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Oh, my.

If anyone needs me, I'll be hiding under my bed.

With this level of mismanagement by church leaders going on, you know God's got to be pretty pissed off.

I just picture a big, Pythonesque finger emerging from the clouds, and a booming voice shouting "You're Fired!"

Blogger PusBoy said...

I look back at all the years I spent in church, and I realize I have no good memories. Thanks, Southern Baptists!

Blogger Lulu said...

When I went ot the H-ville Gossip Tabernacle the blood of Christ came in a bottle with a screw top. It said Mogan David. Christ sure was cheap.

Blogger BSN said...

Actually, communion wafers and wine don't represent the body and blood of baby jeebus, they *are* the body and blood of christ.

Transubstantiation. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Transubstantiation

Not to nitpick. Most American Catholics don't realize this. "This is my body... this is my blood...", not "This is like my body... this is like my blood..."

Jeebus. What am I doing? Can we go back to talking about skanks and what-not?

BSN

Blogger Egan said...

Love the REM hook. For me it was all about being bored and questioning the bible. At age 14 I had doubts about the validity of that book. The wooden benches weren't so comfortable either, but damn those out of church gatherings were the shiznit.

Blogger Dr. Chingasa said...

To solidify the redneck nature of Southern Baptists, they call communion, "The Lord's Supper." My Dad was a deacon who served the Welches (Blood of Christ) and crackers (Body of Christ) at "The Lord's Supper" sometimes. I was helping him put away the leftovers and washing the supplies after one particular "supper" and started munching on some leftover body of Christ. I just remember my red faced father screaming (picture an angry bald Hank Hill),

"Gall dangit son! You don't snack on the Body of Christ! GOT DANGIT"

Also, swear to Gawd, most Southern Baptists believe that all wine references in the bible refer to grape juice, not fermented alcoholic wine, unless drunkenness is specifically mentioned.

And they wonder why I can't get behind that?

Blogger yournamehere said...

Claudia,
We had the Big Lots factory second wafers at my church.

aj,
When I was a teenager, I used to loudly exclaim after communion, "The body of Christ never tasted so good." Okay, I did it well into my thirties. *Hangs head in shame*

heather,
they better serve biscuits and gravy.

mo,
my job took me to Utah today. The politeness almost made me break out in hives.

blonde,
people who abuse religious authority are the biggest pieces of garbage on the planet.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Crystal,
Several years ago I was on a Habitat for Humanity trip in Chicago and we went to a predominately black church (that's a white liberal's way of saying an all black church, by the way). I enjoyed it, but we attended an evening service that didn't last very long. Everyone there was super dressed up but we came straight from the work site and were all dirty and sweaty. I couldn't handle 9-3, though. That's more like a job than church.

canofworms,
I think everyone thrown out of church because of humorless fascists should be allowed total backstage access in Heaven.

ruben,
typical conversation:
church lady: "Where were you last Sunday?"
me: "I was at your house making sure no one stole your tacky lawn gnomes."

ms. hellion,
Some people amaze me. What a thoughtless fuck he is.

w.b. bob,
Thanks. I try to entertain.

Blogger yournamehere said...

milfiepoo,
I love the God in "Holy Grail".
"Good idea, Lord."
"OF COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA!"

pusboy,
well, you couldn't fuck standing up because it could have led to dancing.

lipstick,
Christ is on a budget. Those handmade sandals don't come cheap.

bs,
I'm sure more skank and what not posts are on the horizon.

egan,
I was all over church camp and youth group trips.

Dave,
I went to a Southern Baptist school in 10th grade. I know the fundamentalist mind.

Blogger ago-go said...

hymns kill me too. and there's always some old lady who used to be a coloratura soprano and still thinks she is and insists on singing all 800 verses 2 octaves above everyone else...makes my skin crawl.

Blogger Monkey said...

"It smells like something crawled up your ass and passed from the church militant to the church triumphant."

This is why I keep coming back for more.

Blogger yournamehere said...

ago-go,
Those women don't realize that the voice at age ninety isn't what it used to be.

monkey,
thanks for encouraging my insanity.

Blogger EEK! said...

What is this protestant obsession with crackers and white bread and grape juice?

Wine and wafers, baby. And if you ever build a gingerbread house, those little discs come in handy for stepping stone paths, architectural details, etc.

Blogger Randi said...

this has been an ispiraton for my latest post!

Blogger Lauren said...

I read your blog when I need a good LOL and you delivered today, big time. Thanks!

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