Wednesday, October 05, 2005
The Second to Last Time I Smoked Pot, Part One
I don't smoke a lot of pot. I don't mind its effects, but I eat too much as it is without running around all day with the munchies. Also, people who constantly smoke pot tend to get on my fucking nerves; all that bullshit about how legalizing pot "will really help the economy." Blow me while I take a shit, hippie. You just want something you enjoy to no longer be illegal; be honest about it and I'll respect you. I don't want bourbon to be against the law. But it's always "Legalizing marijuana will really help the economy." You know what I think would help the economy? Jessica Alba giving me a blowjob. No, really, I wouldn't enjoy it, I'd be doing it for my country. Imagine the positive effect it would have on our nation's finances.

"Our top story tonight: The Dow closed at a record high today, effectively ending the recession. Analysts attribute this unprecedented increase to the fact that some anonymous fat lump shot a wad down Jessica Alba's gullet. More on this development after the weather with Wacky Joe."

Back to the point of this post. The last time I smoked pot was last summer when I took a hit off a joint while standing on the patio of the Voodoo Lounge, located on the 5oth floor of the Rio Hotel and Casino. That was a dumb thing to do, but we got away with it. There's nothing like a guy a full head taller than the crowd trying to blend in while committing a crime.

The second to last time I smoked pot was a mere postscript to the madness than ensued that night. I went to a bar with my friend Wu, a true Louisville legend. He worked a part-time job that involved hanging out at bars and giving packs of cigarettes to patrons, so he knew every nightclub worker in the city. A couple of packs of Camels got us in the door without paying a cover and a full carton to the bartender provided us with free drinks most of the evening.

A few hours after we got there I was dancing with a drunk ex-boss I hadn't seen in years. She was a short girl with enormous breasts and I was about to ask her why she picked that night to not wear a bra. Those things were going everywhere. That's when she said to me, "I had to poop and they were out of toilet paper." I finally deciphered her intoxicated ramblings to find that she had used her bra to wipe her ass. Yeah, that made sense. Why ask someone for toilet paper when you have an undergarment handy. Oh, was she drunk.

While my former superior was publicly molesting me on the dance floor, Wu was talking to a cute, young girl at the bar. I only mention this because I'm a fan of dramatic foreshadowing.

We stayed until 4am, last call. My ex-boss went home with her sober brother, who I hope didn't see what she had been doing to me, and I went out to the parking lot to meet up with Wu. Little did I know the night had only begun.

Part two tomorrow.


Blogger Melliferous Pants said...

Her bra?! OH MY! She must have been shitfaced.

Blogger Monkey said...

Dramatic foreshadowing is an excellent thing indeed! And tonight I will dream about enormous bras with skidmarks on them.

that has got to be one of the grossest things I've ever heard of a girl doing....and I know of some pretty gross girls. I was in a sorority, afterall.

fucking nasty.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

Why her bra? I mean if you're going to use an undergarment, don't you think your underwear would make more sense...its already hanging out by your ass.

Blogger PusBoy said...

So, I can't decide what's worse. The fact that she used her bra to wipe her ass, or the fact that (I believe), but for the presence of a sober brother, you might have gone home and banged a drunken, shitty-assed woman. I know everybody poops, but I like to live in denial as long as much as I can. If there's fresh evidence of feces, my turtle retreats.

Blogger Blonde said...

I have NEVER heard of a woman shitting in a bar. Some woman have no shame I tell you...

I love weed. Weed makes me a happier person.

Blogger The real me said...

I have a friend who once used his SOCKS in a fast food restaurant. It was one of those single toilets (ie not enough traffic to warrant more bathrooms). No toilet paper, no paper towel (air dryer), nothing.
So he used his socks and left them there!


Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

She should've saved it to sell on E-Bay. I'm sure somebody, somewhere has a fetish.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

If you can find a woman to blow you while you're taking a shit, she should be killed immediately. That is disgusting.

Blogger Randi said...

are you free on the 15th? did you want to come to my party? email me if you do

Blogger MoDigli said...

"blow me while I take a shit, hippie" provided the most vivid visual for me. Uhh... thanks?! ha!

And ooohhh.... wiping your butt with your bra is really nasty - but not as nasty as actually admitting it to a former employee! a-ha!

I can't wait to read Part II. Do poop, shit, and bj's play as a big a role as they did in part I? :)

Blogger JackassJimmy said...

Getting blown whilst taking a shit is known as a, "blumpkin" in these parts.

Todd, the blog gets funnier by the day! Keep on keeping on.


Blogger Crystal said...

I'm gonna google Jessica Alba and see if your blog comes up! You are craaaaaazy for that girl, and yeah she is really cute. The bra-as-toilet-paper jig was hilarious! Part 2 better be as juicy as Part 1 ;-).

Blogger RitMeyer said...

Cool blog you have going on here. I will check in often. If you like blow jobs and punches in the kidney's...

I hate those stupid spammers!! Curses to them. I have heard and done many insane drunken things, wiping my ass with my bra that's a new one.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

My husband had a friend in college who got a blow job while taking a shit...common fantasy I guess.

Blogger MsHellion said...

Ah, the dangers of going commando...

Blogger MoDigli said...

Holy crap! ~ Totally unrelated here, but I have to tell you that I'm watching Oprah right now and Orlando Bloom is on, pushing his new movie which was filmed in Louisville, KY. So, right now, Orlando Bloom is taking us on a tour of your town. How odd is that?!

Blogger yournamehere said...

oh, she was hammered.

I hope you had pleasant dreams.

So wiping your ass with a bra wasn't part of sorority hazing?

I can't remember if she was wearing a skirt or white pants or something that would have made going pantiless worse than going braless.

She was so drunk it would have bordered on aquaintance rape. I actually found her brother and pawned her off on him.

guys don't even like to shit in a bar. I did once, and it's a story worthy of its own post.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I would call him a very resourceful young man. I would have pretended I was getting revenge on Sheri Lewis and Lambchop.

She could have made a dime or two, I suppose.

That was an expression. No one has ever blown me while I took a shit. Talk about sensory overload, anyway.

yeah, I'll be there. I'll email you soon.

I should have just wrapped this story up. Part two isn't as interesting.

Yeah, Howard Stern was fined for using the word 'blumpkin' but G. Gordon Liddy can say "ATF agents wear bulletproof vests. Head shots, people," and not get even a warning.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I deserve an autographed photo for all this free publicity Jessica's getting. Well, if you want to call a blog with a dozen or so regular readers "publicity".

I'm glad you never used a bra for toilet paper.

My fantasy is to be blown while receiving the Nobel Peace Prize.

it can be fraught with peril.

yeah, the new Cameron Crowe movie, Elizabethtown. I read the Louisville paper online and Orlando called Louisville his "second home" and there's a picture of him standing in my favorite record store, Ear x-tacy.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

Will any Nobel Prize suffice or does it have to the the Peace Prize? Also, are you engaged in any activies that would be Nobel worthy or are you just hoping that they run out of actual canidates and pull your name out thier asses?

Blogger yournamehere said...

you mean this blog isn't enough to warrant a nobel peace prize? Damn. Well, it's not getting me any blowjobs, either.

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