Saturday, October 08, 2005
The Truth About Katie's Baby
I am convinced that this man, not Tom Cruise, is the true father of Katie Holmes' unborn baby.

This is L. Ron Hubbard, founder of Scientology, the kooky-ass cult that Tom Cruise is so enthusiastic about. Yes, Mr. Hubbard died in 1986, while attending a Mister Mister concert, I think; but his legacy will live on thanks to modern science, his thawed-out spunk, and Katie's lonely uterus.

Let's face a few facts, grown-ups. Tom Cruise would rather stick his cock in a live hornet's nest than a vagina, but he needed someone to take to the Academy Awards. Enter Katie Holmes, a young actress whose career had seen better days. They were a perfect match, but only one piece of Tom's diabolical scheme. He needed his phony wife to be the vessel from which would emerge the heir to the Scientology empire, so he had L. Rod's swimmers thawed out and turkey-bastered into her loins. And since Katie is allegedly a virgin, the result of this immaculate conception will be crowned Jesus Dianetics Christ, Messiah of Scientology.

These people and their plan for world domination need to be squelched. If we work together, we can stop L. Ron Hubbard from releasing his demon spawn from beyond the grave.


44 Comments:

Blogger MollyNormal said...

"Jesus Dianetics Christ"

Oh. My. God. That is fucking hysterical!!!!

Blogger Blonde said...

The whole story is sketchy.

First, she just proclaimed how proud she is of her virginity.

Second, don't you think this would be HUGE news and it barely got a blip on the radar.

I agree...those are the last 2 people that should be breeding. God help Katie if she gets post partum depression

Blogger lily b said...

I have to use my first comment on your site to tell you that I'm pretty sure you are a GENIUS!

Blogger Nettie B said...

HAHAHAHAHA.... i've been away for a while (puter probs) i'm so glad I came back at the time of this post. Too funny. Tom and Katie make me sick....who really CARES what they do??? They get more attention than they deserve. I think tom cruise snorts a special brand.

Blogger Anthony said...

When the founder of the religion, or faith, or "lifestyle", or whatever that you beleive in was a Science Fiction writer, you're an idiot.

Blogger Osbasso said...

I've always been proud of the fact that L. Ron grew up in my hometown! I even know which house he lived in while growing up! Obviously he learned his divine wisdom from his experiences here....

Blogger Egan said...

I did some research on the Scientology bullshit. It's truly amazing what people will believe and why anyone ever bought into this. Let's not forget about John, I fly jetliners for a living and have a small cock, Travolta.

lol, many, many moons ago, when I lived in NC, I went to a party at Katie's house. One of my friend's in college was on the "Creek and we crashed a "party" at her house. It was totally lame. She was really irritating.

I don't know why I just told you that. lol, I'm sorry.

Blogger yourthelosers said...

You all need to do some real soul searching and find for yourselves why you need to attack these 2.
I think you are all a bit antisocial and should go back under the rocks you crawled out from

Blogger Ruben said...

I think we should bow our heads in prayer for Katie and pray she finds a way to escape. Poor girl. Poor Girl!

Blogger MollyNormal said...

God, I hate people who say "your" when they mean "you're." Fucking morons.

Blogger yournamehere said...

mollyn.,
thanks, babe.

blonde,
the baby's going to have L. Ron Hubbards looks and Katie's brain. Ha.

lily b,
some would say 'evil genius'. Some would say 'douchebag'.

nettie,
I love how Tom goes on interviews and lectures the questioners but they're too starstruck and spineless to tell him to fuck off.

anthony,
c'mon, let's start a religion based on the writings of Ray Bradbury.

Blogger yournamehere said...

os,
you've seen L. Ron's boyhood home? Has Tom bought it and turned it into a museum yet.

egan,
since I am a hypocrite above all else, Travolta gets a pass from me for being in Pulp Fiction. I can totally understand why others hate him, though.

shaken,
don't apologise. That story pertained to the topic and exposed Katie Cruise as a thrower of lame parties. Good job.

ruben,
yeah, I kind of feel sorry for Katie. Even someone who was a has-been at twenty-five didn't deserve such a fate.

Blogger yournamehere said...

yourthelosers,
I won't speak for the others, but I myself am an antisocial loser; it's the underlying theme of this blog.

Having said that, you need to do some "soul searching". I'm sure you'll find the spot where your soul is supposed to be is filled with 'colon squeezin's'. Why else would you go to the trouble to create a false blogger ID just to comment on something that doesn't affect you in the least?

Can I attempt a guess? It's because you're a pathetic, cowardly douchebag who enjoys spotting things on the internet that don't subscribe whole-heartedly to your warped world view so you can feel superior by leaving a smug comment. Oh, and what a comment it was. "...go back under the rocks you crawled out from." Ouch, that stings. And it's so original. Did someone write that for you? It was brilliant. You see, what you did was suggest we were reptilian in nature and lived under rocks, and had slithered out to pronounce Scientology and its braindead followers "Stump Dumb". You, however, disagree and think we should slither back under the rock. That's genius, really. I've never heard that before. Oh, wait a minute, yes I have, IN THIRD FUCKING GRADE YOU UNORIGINAL 'TARD! KINDLY DIE.

mollyn.,
you were much more reasoned than I. Yes, that person is a moron.

Yes, the truth hurts . I joined this Blog to speak it. You're all worth it.
Your guess was incorrect but if you look closely at your critisim of me , I think it will be a good look in the mirror. Justlist all the times you were pathetic, cowardly and a douchebag who enjoys spotting things on the internet that don't subscribe whole-heartedly to your warped world view so you can feel superior by leaving a smug comment and you will see what I mean.

I am very happy to have an ability to speak up and tell you what happened with hatred of others in the past.

Look back in Time to Germany and see where religious intolerance leads. 6 Million dead. Why not just turn the other cheek?

Ask yourself , what has Tom and Katie done to me, then ask , what have I done to Tom and Katie in this Blog and you will either take responsibility or not for being critical of people you do not know but have harmed.

Sorry for my critical remarks, I was wrong. You are not reptiles, just a bit hateful, and antisocial. I stand corrected.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I am no longer going to respond to you because I'll be busy rounding up the Scientologists and placing them in concentration camps.

By the way, I ignore blogs that don't subscribe to my world view. I suggest you do the same.

Thank you. You are right. Have fun with your blog. Farewell

lol, I don't even know how to subscribe to blogs. I'm new.

Blogger Nick said...

Todd that guy definitely needs to be hit with a shovel. Also, scientologists.

Blogger Cheska said...

"Look back in Time to Germany and see where religious intolerance leads. 6 Million dead. Why not just turn the other cheek?"

Scientology is not a religion, it is a dangerous cult. Thus religious intolerance does not apply here. Also, check this site out for some crazy info about scientology: http://www.xenu.net/

Blogger Übermilf said...

I didn't think dismissing a hilarious set of beliefs, based on aliens invading Earth, was hate speech. I often brand statements like that "common sense."

You have correctly stated the need to stop the spawning. The question is, how?

Blogger yournamehere said...

shaken,
I used to subscribe to Big Juggs magazine, but I didn't like their editorial stance.

nick,
no, I enjoy being compared to Hitler on a silly blog. Good fun.

cheska,
I don't know a lot about Scientology. I do know that Tom Cruise, who has a lot of influence because of his celebrity status, much more than say...I don't know, a guy who writes a blog that maybe fifteen people read on a regular basis, goes on TV and denounces anti-depressant drugs that allow people I know to lead normal lives. He is a douchebag. Thanks for the support.

ubie,
you are the voice of reason and that is why I adore you. Of course, I made fun of my own religion a couple of weeks ago. I like to spread the love around.

How to stop the spawning? I don't know. I just...don't know.

Blogger tango jellybean said...

Oh good Lord, are we going to have to rename the cooze patrol--the ignorant 8 year old douchebag patrol?
As Maynard James Keenan says, Fuck L. Ron Hubbard and fuck all his clones...fuck these dysfunctional insecure actresses...
Dammit, Todd. I need to share some of my housewarming bourbon with you--Woodford AND Booker's!

Right on. Down with Hubbard-spunk!

Blogger Kristina said...

Hahaha..... Freakin' histerical! The post. The comments.....

Blogger Belle said...

How come everyone suddenly knows that Katie is/was a virgin?

This whole publicity stunt is creepy.

Blogger yourthelosers said...

THE RELIGIOUS STATUS OF SCIENTOLOGY:
IS SCIENTOLOGY A RELIGION?
By

Irving Hexham

Professor of Religious Studies, University of Calary

[First written 1978 - revised 1997

© Irving Hexham 1997]





Introduction
Before commenting on the religious status of Scientology I would like to provide the reader with the following information about myself to help them evaluate my comments. I am a practising Christian belonging to the evangelical wing of theof Anglican (Episcopalian or Church of England) Communion. Before becoming an academic I worked almost ten years for the North Western Gas Board in England where I gained various trade and engineering qualifications. In 1967 I entered the University of Lancaster where I obtained my B.A. (Hons.) in Religious Studies under Professor Ninian Smart. From Lancaster I went to Bristol University where I completed an M.A. "with commendation," before going on to a Ph.D. At Bristol I was supervised by the Rev. F.B. Welbourn (Religious Studies) and Professor Kenneth Ingham (History).

As a graduate student my work concentrated on the interaction between religion and society. My M.A. was on new religious movements in Britain centred on the town of Glastonbury. My doctorate dealt with the origins of apartheid as an ideology, Afrikaner Nationalism, and neo-Calvinism as contemporary religious movements. Since completing graduate work I have continued research into new religions in Africa, Europe and North America.

As an scholar of religion I have published over 60 refereed academic articles, 4 books, 8 edited books, and more than 100 book reviews. Most of the articles and all of the books have dealt with various aspects of new religious movements. I particular I argued that Afrikaner Christian-Nationalism ought to be seen as a modern movement not something which can be traced back to the sixteenth century. I have also published extensively on Zulu religion and African Independent Churches. Two of my books, both co-authored with my wife Karla Poewe, Professor of Anthropology, provide interpretive theories for understanding cults, sects and new religions and popular criticisms these movements face.

Full details about my academic career and publications can be found at: PERSONAL

Defining relilgion
One of the main problems facing anyone who wishes to make a judgement about the religious nature of a particular group is finding an adequate definition of religion. Although scholars offer many different definitions of religion such definitions can, very broadly, be divided into two main groups. Tehre are those definitions which define religion in terms of a cultic organization and there are those defintions which define religions interms of a way of life. A list of various definitions can be found at DEFINITIONS

To access the religious nature of Scientology I began using the definition provided by Professor Ninian Smart, who is the founder of the first Religious Studies Department in Eng land and one of the world's leading authorities in the field of religiuos studies. Currently he is Professor of Religious Studies at the University of California, Santa Barbara.

In his paper "Meaning in and the Meaning of Religion," given at a colloquium on the "meaning of religion" at the University of Lancaster, December 1969, Smart argued that the big problem facing anyone who wishes to define religion is to ensure that all clearly identifiable religions, such as Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, Judaism, the Hindu tradition, etc., are included while things that are analogous to religion, like certain forms of membership in such things as a political party, are excluded. Therefore, he suggested the following model for identifying a religious a opposed to some similar form of social organisation. A religion should include most if not all of the following elements:

A set of institutionalized rituals identified with a tradition and expressing and/or evoking sacral sentiments directed at a divine or transdivine focus seen in the context of the human phenomenological enviroment seen in the context of the human phenomenological environment and at least partially describe by myths or by myths and doctrines.

An alternate definition with which I have a lot of sympathy is the one provided by Rodney Stark and William Sims Bainbridge in their book A Theory of Religion, Toronto, Peter Lang, 1987, p. 39. They say:

Religion refers to systems of general compensators based on supernatural assumptions.

Scientology as a religion
When I was first asked to pass judgement on the religious nature of Scientology I conducted a small random sample survey of people participating in the activities of the Church of Scientology in Vancouver, B.C., Canada (1978). The results of this survey plus qualitative interviews with Ms. Davidson, a number of other local Scientologists, and an examination of a number of key texts published by the movement convinced me that in terms of Ninian Smart's definition Scientology is a religion. Looking at the data again it should also be noted that Scientology also qualifies as a religion in terms of Stark and Bainbridge's definition.

Thus in terms of two standard and widely used definitions of religion there is no doubt that the Church of Scientology at that time qualified as a religion. I have no reason to believe that in the last twenty years things have changed. In fact, if anything the religious aspects of Scientology have increased.

Further, even using those definitions which see religions as at total way of life or act of faith, cf. Rev. F.B. Welbourn, "Towards ELIMINATING the Concept of Religion," [N.B. this paper will be posted in a day or two] Lancaster University, January 1968, and theologian Paul Tillich,.The Dynamics of Faith, London, George Allen and Unwin, 1957, leads to the conclusion that Scientology is a religion.

Good Religions - Bad Religions
To argue that Scientology is a genuine religion is not to say that it is a good religion or a bad religion, a "true" religion or a "false" religion. These are theological questions which go beyond th scope of this paper. Roy Wallis, in his book The Road to Total Freedom, London, Heinemann, 1976, says:

While Scientology may, at first glance, appear to mark a radical discontinutity with the Western religious tradition, the characteristics summarized above and described in detail in earlier chapters, identify it, in fact, as a logical outcome and extension of certain central features of that tradition (p. 246).

The church is, as he points out, p. 247-255, a new religion.

With this conclusion I must agree. As a Christian I do not believe that Scientology, as a belief system, is compatible with traditional Christian teachings. But then, in my view, neither are the unique teachings of the Mormons (Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints), Buddhism or many other religions despite the fact that many people, including some eminent scholars, will regard my views as narrow and dogmatic. Nevertheless, I recognize that all of these traditions, including Scientology, are religious and that they deserve equitable treatment under the law.

Blogger yourthelosers said...

Gerhard Lenski, in his influential study "The Religious Factor," defines religion as "...a system of beliefs about the nature of the force(s) ultimately shaping man's destiny, and the practices associated with, shared by members of a group."

If one were to use these definitions of religion, one would surely conclude that Scientology is a religion.

Gary D. Bouma
October 30, 1979



At the time he wrote this, Dr. Bouma was on the faculty of the Department of Anthropology and Sociology, Monash University, Clayton, Victoria, Australia.

Blogger katarina said...

If you want to get the word out on what you believe in, why not actually do something with your blog besides attack others for what they believe?
You're afraid, aren't you? Because you know the kind of comments that you would get.
You could call it, "Tom and Katie Rock My Scientology World!"

Blogger Osbasso said...

Geez, Todd!

We let you out to play, and look what happens! I assume you took earth science in school--don't you feel some sort of kindred spirit to these nice people??

Whenever I get my camera replaced, I'll stop by and take a picture of the old home. Maybe we can send it to the happy couple and see if they make an offer on it!

Blogger God said...

May I have a word here? Mr. Osbasso, from my vantage point this Church of Scientology is a crock of shit. L. Ron Hubbard was nothing but a con artist using religion to fund his business.

His behaviors/beliefs are what gives the honorable Christians a bad name. Who gives a rat's ass if he's from Montana.

Blogger Cheska said...

Any "religion" in where the only way you can progress spriritually is through giving money to the organization is a cult. Fuck your "research." It's just that simple. Also, in L. Ron Hubbard own words "Writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion." He was one crazy fuck.

Blogger Übermilf said...

I say unto Cheska, AMEN.

Blogger Johnny Menace said...

I'm not writing a novel to your your theory but Passy fucked her in his boat... season 3.

Blogger Egan said...

Johnny Menace - ....and you call yourself a Dawson's Creek fan? It's Pacey man, Pacey.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I don't know what's funnier, your post, or the fact that Tom Cruise came on here to defend himself and doesn't know the difference between "your" and "you're".

Blogger Egan said...

Brooke - that's some good shit.

Blogger JJ said...

Give them a break, already. They gave all their money and obedience only to be told at the end of the trek that their church is based on a science fiction writer, and what's worse by a really terrible one. Of course, they're going to defend it, they don't have any other choice.

Blogger Crystal said...

The only virgins are ugly 3rd graders. I call bullshit.

Blogger Rachel said...

Todd, have I told you yet today how much I love you?

;)

Blogger Tracey said...

by "Tom's" aka yourthelosers, aka yourthehateful&antisocial 's definition of a religion, the "Heaven's Gate" cult was a religion....I don't THINK so.

Blogger Freddies Blog said...

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Blogger Roberto Iza Valdes said...

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