Just a few observations from working at the ol' party store:
-Smokers are god damn pains in the ass. AND THEY SMELL BAD. I know smokers who don't smell like Joan of Arc's twat, but none of them come into our store. There are two different types of smokers; the overly picky and the impoverished desperate.
Overly picky: "I need a pack of Merit Ultra Light Long Menthol 120s in the soft pack. (pause) No, those are Merit Ultra Light Long Menthol 100s." Soon the doctor will be saying, "Looks like you have Ultra Light Long lung cancer."
Impoverished desperate: "Give me whatever cigarettes are the cheapest." Not ONCE has this person smelled pleasant.
And ENOUGH about smoker's rights. Their fucking rights end where my lungs begin. Why is this even a debate? SMOKING IS THE ONLY HABIT, IN AND OF ITSELF, THAT HARMS OTHER PEOPLE. If drunks don't drive, they only hurt themselves. From now on, every time I eat something unhealthy, I'm going to shove part of it, already chewed, down the throat of the person who has the misfortune of sitting closest to me. Why not? That's what smokers do when they light up in public! What if heroin addicts went around town sticking people with needles? Society wouldn't stand for it, of course, but "smokers have rights."
-I like alcohol, but I'd rather never drink again than drink cheap swill. People come in and buy gallons of cheap liquor in plastic bottles. If your drink of choice comes in a plastic bottle, go to rehab immediately. I can't imagine the hangovers these people have. Simply put, I'd rather have a six pack of good beer than a twelve pack of shit. And when I'm out, I'd rather have two top shelf drinks than four well drinks made with lousy booze. I guess hopeless alcoholics just want a quick buzz.
-When grown man buys wine coolers and fruity cocktail drinks, I think an employee dressed as a giant tampon should leap out from behind the register and pinch the guy's nipples.
-Why do women clearly over thirty complain when I don't ask for their ID? One lady said "But you carded the girl in front of me." Yeah, because I didn't recognize her from high school. I'm an old fuck, lady; and so are you.
-A guy wrote a check the other day, and when I asked to see his driver's license he pulled out a "permission to carry a deadly weapon" card. I literally laughed in his face (which probably wasn't a good idea since this guy is an acknowledged weapons expert) and said, "This is worthless to us. Your address isn't on it." He then argued with the store manager for awhile and finally had to resort to using a stolen credit card instead of writing a bad check. We should have denied the sale and thrown him out, but I don't run the place.
-Old people who have enough money to buy CASES of liquor should have their social security benefits cut. We're all paying for gramps to drink a jug of lousy wine while watching Matlock.
-I want to give the booze away to hot chicks, but management frowns upon that sort of thing. I may have to go to bartending school.
-Get off the cell phone while checking out, you inconsiderate fuck! You're buying a half pint of Kentucky Gentleman whiskey in the middle of the day....YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT. Unless you're a world-renowned heart surgeon or the President, put the cell phone away for thirty seconds. You'll have plenty of time later to tell your baby's mama you'll pick her up in front of the free clinic.
-Smokers are god damn pains in the ass. AND THEY SMELL BAD. I know smokers who don't smell like Joan of Arc's twat, but none of them come into our store. There are two different types of smokers; the overly picky and the impoverished desperate.
Overly picky: "I need a pack of Merit Ultra Light Long Menthol 120s in the soft pack. (pause) No, those are Merit Ultra Light Long Menthol 100s." Soon the doctor will be saying, "Looks like you have Ultra Light Long lung cancer."
Impoverished desperate: "Give me whatever cigarettes are the cheapest." Not ONCE has this person smelled pleasant.
And ENOUGH about smoker's rights. Their fucking rights end where my lungs begin. Why is this even a debate? SMOKING IS THE ONLY HABIT, IN AND OF ITSELF, THAT HARMS OTHER PEOPLE. If drunks don't drive, they only hurt themselves. From now on, every time I eat something unhealthy, I'm going to shove part of it, already chewed, down the throat of the person who has the misfortune of sitting closest to me. Why not? That's what smokers do when they light up in public! What if heroin addicts went around town sticking people with needles? Society wouldn't stand for it, of course, but "smokers have rights."
-I like alcohol, but I'd rather never drink again than drink cheap swill. People come in and buy gallons of cheap liquor in plastic bottles. If your drink of choice comes in a plastic bottle, go to rehab immediately. I can't imagine the hangovers these people have. Simply put, I'd rather have a six pack of good beer than a twelve pack of shit. And when I'm out, I'd rather have two top shelf drinks than four well drinks made with lousy booze. I guess hopeless alcoholics just want a quick buzz.
-When grown man buys wine coolers and fruity cocktail drinks, I think an employee dressed as a giant tampon should leap out from behind the register and pinch the guy's nipples.
-Why do women clearly over thirty complain when I don't ask for their ID? One lady said "But you carded the girl in front of me." Yeah, because I didn't recognize her from high school. I'm an old fuck, lady; and so are you.
-A guy wrote a check the other day, and when I asked to see his driver's license he pulled out a "permission to carry a deadly weapon" card. I literally laughed in his face (which probably wasn't a good idea since this guy is an acknowledged weapons expert) and said, "This is worthless to us. Your address isn't on it." He then argued with the store manager for awhile and finally had to resort to using a stolen credit card instead of writing a bad check. We should have denied the sale and thrown him out, but I don't run the place.
-Old people who have enough money to buy CASES of liquor should have their social security benefits cut. We're all paying for gramps to drink a jug of lousy wine while watching Matlock.
-I want to give the booze away to hot chicks, but management frowns upon that sort of thing. I may have to go to bartending school.
-Get off the cell phone while checking out, you inconsiderate fuck! You're buying a half pint of Kentucky Gentleman whiskey in the middle of the day....YOU AREN'T IMPORTANT. Unless you're a world-renowned heart surgeon or the President, put the cell phone away for thirty seconds. You'll have plenty of time later to tell your baby's mama you'll pick her up in front of the free clinic.
26 Comments:
Hee hee...giant tampon...would the employees draw straws to see who got/had to do that job each night?
I've always said that any man who goes into a bar and orders a drink which ends in "-tini" that isn't a goddamned martini ought to be made to hand in his testicles on the spot.
Todd, why would you argue with a man who has permission to carry a gun?
Aaaahhh yes, I remember working at a liquor store in college myself. I had to open Saturdays (10AM) and already the elderly booze hounds driving 10 year old, well preserved Caddies would be waiting for me to open the door. THey'd come in and buy a gallon of Scotch only for me to see them Monday afternoon when I worked next.
The best part was that management had the attitude of "How can you sell a $40 bottle of single barrell bourbon if you've never tasted it?"
You totally miss The Depot. I can see it in your writing. How's the ass crack situation in Kuntucky?
I stumbled across your blog quite by accident and I just have to say....I don't laugh at loud often but you had me going! I'll be back often.
Too freakin' funny.
I'm pretty new to the blogging thing and I actually thought I was pretty funny when I want to be but DAMN...you are crazier than a cat shot in the ass!
Keep up the good work.
I just went to a training class in KC. I usually hate those kinds of classes because they shove a bunch of corporate bullshit down your throat and call it Customer Service. This time wasn't really different but the overly upbeat trainer lady made a good point regarding people who come to the counter on their cellphones. Is it annoying and rude? You bet your ass it is, but guess what, they are the easiest customers to deal with because you don't have to talk to them. I never really thought about it, when they gestured to me for help I would tell them that I would patiently wait for them to finish their conversation, but then there's a whole bunch of interaction instead of a quietly whispered "Anyhing else?" and "Thank you."
Of course there will always be exceptions, but for the most part she was right.
I guess I don't always have to be a jerk to everyone who doesn't act the way I think they should.
I love how smokers always have the wierdest smelling cars because they pump all sorts of air freshner in there.
Customers do suck, but sometimes students suck worse.
I think people in general suck. The world would be a better place without them.
I'd never light up in public. And And I always sit in the non-smoking section.
And I like watered down beer.
hulk,
I agree.
brooke,
I stated our company's policy. The store manager argued with him. They don't pay me enough to argue with ANYONE.
cincy,
the old owner would let you sample. The new ones, not so much.
egan,
if pay was equal, I'd prefer the party store, but they don't pay enough.
rantin',
I'm going to have "Crazier than a cat shot in the ass" printed on a t-shirt.
aughra,
what kind of society do we live in when a man won't get off the phone and flirt with a fabulous babe like yourself?
vast,
she still works there, but had to give up smoking because of the cancer she had. Seriously. At least she gave it up, though. Some people smoke after chemo.
nick,
oh, I'm not a jerk to any of these people. I just write about them in my blog. I'm surprisingly nice in real life. Ask the bloggers who've met me.
knitty,
but you can boss around the students.
molly,
"Long live the smokers" is irony at its finest.
cherry,
in a world without people, who would make my Starbucks?
kat,
you don't light up in public because you're considerate.
I'll have to introduce you to real beer if you ever visit.
Can I have a pack of camel lights?
They sell alcohol in plastic containers? Wow, you crazeee Americans... whatever will you think of next?!?
I got "carded" when I was in Chicago.I am "clearly over 30"(well ok not that clearly- but I am!) I was not impressed, I had to get a cab back to the appartment to pick up my passport... NOT impressed!
PSST: I'm admittedly the worst kind of non-smoker, I'm an ex-smoker... now the smell of smoke makes me feel sick.
You went the wrong direction, Todd. You should have gone to Hollywood. You write better comedy than 90% of cheesedicks there and you're big enough to knock them down when they get in your way.
I know you just moved to KY and all, but you should consider California. We don't let anyone smoke indoors. Thoughts?
tampon jumping out pinching nipples!! i love that!!...i remember when i used to work at the convenient store on campus, those were the days!!... yeah, don't miss them at all.
Smelly smokers need love too. Next one to come in, embrace him/her and tell him/her it's ok. You'll feel better about yourself, and God will love you more.
pants,
one pack of emphasema light, coming up.
tlsd,
never leave the house without ID. Door guys card almost everyone.
jj,
I enjoyed my visit to LA, but I'll never again make the mistake of moving somewhere just because I had a good time there on vacation.
burr,
If I can every afford it, Northern California would be a nice place to live.
sonrisa,
everyone loves a little nipple pinch.
john,
how could God possibly love me more?
ashley,
who discredited this report? Phillip Morris? Anyway, I never said second-hand smoke causes cancer, I said it's fucking annoying. If I spit in your face, it wouldn't give you cancer, but it would annoy you, wouldn't it?
I think people should have the right to smoke in bars, actually. That doesn't mean they aren't being selfish assholes by subjecting the rest of us to their filthy habit.
And when you throw around terms like "quasi-fascist" it makes you sound like a tobacco-industry hatchetman.
ummmm, Todd? Please tell me you do not have a tampon costume in your possession...please.
dude you totally rock!!! i was reading ashley's comment and was thinking "cant wait what todd's response to this will be!" once again you have become my hero...you can pinch my nipples anytime!!!
Ooh ooh... can I wear the tampon costume for halloween? Maybe I can find someone to dress up as a pad with me. Any takers???
sometimes i wonder if bossing the students around is my favourite part.
I haven't made it past the first paragraph because of the "Joan of Arc's twat" comment. That is the most inspired bit of humor that I've read in the last year.
Found your blog through Cherry. Love it! I like a good rant now and then... For fear of imploding.....
Sadly, in many backward states (My former state of Ohio included) - smokers have more rights than non-smokers.
Smokers smell disgusting. Their fowl train of smoke burns other peoples' eyes, inflames asthma, and makes innocent bystanders' clothes stink! That is enough to make it a nuisance, without even bringing up the topic of cancer!
I'm so happy to be in California where I hardly ever see a smoker. I can actually enjoy watching live bands without going home to find out my freaking underwear reek of ciggie smoke! I stopped going to local music shows back in Ohio because of the smoke, and it's nice to be able to enjoy live music again without choking up a lung.
Giant tampon. Nipple pinching. I love you, man.
Wait a minute, they sell liquor in containers OTHER than PLASTIC?
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