Monday, July 24, 2006
Not a fan...

Who is this guy?

Is he a contestant on Rockstar: Backstreet Boys? No.

Is he a gay porn actor? No.

He's Dane Cook, the most popular comedian on the planet.

Dane has used myspace (he has over a million "friends"), his good looks, and an admittedly engaging personality (in small doses) to become a comedic rock star.

Is Dane Cook the most talented comedian out there? Not even close. He gets by more on delivery than material, and in my humble opinion isn't in the same league as comics such as Andy Kindler and Patton Oswalt.

Unfortunately, those guys aren't going to reach the popularity of Dane Cook. Why? Because they're unattractive. That shouldn't matter in comedy, but in myspace America, it does. Patton Oswalt doesn't make teenage and college-aged girls wet their low-rise jeans. (Another path to comedic superstardom is to appeal to the lowest common denominator, ala Larry the Cable Guy).

I saw one of Dane Cook's performances on HBO. It was like an N'Sync crowd from seven years ago. He was occasionally funny, frequently annoying, and completely undeserving of such slavish devotion. I don't know, maybe if he spent less time at the gym and more time writing actual jokes he'd be somewhat deserving of his elevated status.

His HBO show, Dane Cook's Boregasm, shows Dane and three other assholes touring America in a bus. They argue, they make up, Dane acts like a pouty bitch when he loses at something, they tell shit jokes, etc. The crowd, composed of hot young chicks and guys who like the Dave Matthews Band, GOES CRAZY when Dane Cook takes the stage. Frat boy hijinks ensue. Cut to standing ovation. Roll credits. Punch me in the scrote for wasting thirty minutes of my life.

I think from now on people should chose their doctors based on looks. Hell, why not? If looks matter in comedy, of all things, why shouldn't the shallow RISK THEIR LIVES to ensure they are only examined by exquisite physical specimens?

"My new doctor is so hot."

"Hasn't his incompetence killed scores of patients?"

"Well...yeah, but look at his abs!"

I'm going in tomorrow for lipo and extensive plastic surgery.


Blogger Steve Caratzas said...

Jeez, I'm out of touch - never heard of him.

Blogger tlsd said...


I misread it at first I thought he was called Lame Cock...

Blogger Cold Hands said...

ummmmmmm -- is it wrong that i want to lick his belly? his rock hard belly...

sorry dear. ive never heard of him (because I live in a hole under a rock apparently)

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

who is this guy?!?!? oh wait i think i remember seeing him on a gay porn movie called "bare back mountain"...yes i had to go there!!!

Blogger Jillibean said...

I have to respectfully disagree and say that I think hes fucking hilarious. I have a few of his stand up routines on cd, and found him to be really funny before I knew what he looks like (although, that didnt hurt his case any...). Maybe I just have a different sense of humor though...

Blogger Brookelina said...

I must be getting old. When I read that he had a million friends on myspace all I could do was laugh and think "What a LOSER."

Blogger Kath said...

Until I read it here, had no idea who Dane Cook was.

Blogger Nick said...

I think Dane is pretty funny too, not the best, but pretty funny.

Mike Birbiglia is funnier.

Blogger Egan said...

That Git'r done shit is old hat and very lame. You would be a good comedian YNH.

Blogger Violet said...

Look's like you've constructed a boyfriend for Kelli!

I mean, mmmm....I love's me some Dane Cook! I know he's not the most humorous comedian out there, but finding a guy who's hot and funny (for women) is kind of like you guys finding a woman who's hot and smart: a miracle. (See also, Ryan Reynolds.)

But, really, I'd also jump Kevin Meaney in a heartbeat.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

I couldn't agree with you more.

Give me Mitch Hedberg anyday. Well, except that he's dead now.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

He is definitely nowhere as funny as Dave Attell. Now he is funny as hell ... he's fat, slovenly, and a drunk with a dirty sense of humor. What is funnier than that?

Blogger Udi said...

Dave Chappelle is the king

Blogger Trix said...

I don't know about how funny he is, but based on that picture, I'd do him.

Blogger MollyNormal said...

I agree - he's not funny, but he's hot.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Never heard of him until today. Not the hottest in my book either.
If you can't make me laugh I'm not getting in your pants.

Oh Toddy.....have I mentioned you make me laugh with each post?


Blogger yournamehere said...

you aren't missing much.

close enough.

cold hands,
I wish I lived with you under that rock.

he might supplement his income with gay porn.

maybe if I DIDN'T see him run around and make goofy faces I'd find him funnier.

oh, I agree with you. He's a wealthy loser, though.

I'm sorry you had to hear it from me.

I don't think "pretty funny" merits the hero-worship he inspires.

I would be a great comedian if not for my crippling fear of speaking in front of crowds.

Blogger yournamehere said...

this is the phenomenon of women saying "My boyfriend is so funny" and then discovering he's handsome and a little funny. Dane Cook is young America's semi-funny boyfriend.

my favorite night when I lived in Vegas: I saw Mitch Hedberg, Lewis Black, and Dave Attell on the same bill at the House of Blues. I've NEVER laughed harder in my life. RIP, Mitch.

Dave Attell is my hero.

Dave Chappelle was a great concert, too. Shame he lost his mind.

wow, I want to be Dane Cook now.

like the guy who works at the car wash.

little ol',
so, I have a chance? Is that what you're saying?

Well, I suppose I have to confess that I dig Dane's comedy. But I only heard him and never saw him until I finally saw him on Jimmy Kimmel or somewhere like that. Seeing him kinda took the bloom off the rose. He has a creepy, unfunny way about him.

Maybe it dates me, but for my money, the funniest guy in comedy is Brian Regan. Not only is his material hilarious, but he's got the physical act down too. Nobody uses his hands or face as well as that guy.

Dane Cook has some good routines on Raw Dog on Sirius Radio, but once I watched 2 episodes of the NoMoreGasm tour, had a different opinion of him also. He sucked, the other guys sucked, the show sucked, and he was a big pussy ( almost cancelled a sell out show because he had a headache ). Rodney Dangerfield, Richard Pryor, Sam Kinnison ..... that was talent

Blogger Stephanie said...

Just this weekend I was thinking "that zoo keeper is sooo Hot" Thanks for the laugh!

Blogger Kelli said...

your just a fat hater. Dick.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

No shit?! Sooooo jealous.

Lewis Black makes me pee my pants laughing.

Blogger Knitty Kitty said...

I've heard some Dane Cook and enjoyed it, I don't find him especially attractive though.
That and the rumors that he is with Jessica Simpson made me care even less.

Dane Cook blows. Period.

Blogger Dale said...

He's an eejit. I remember reading about him and checking out his routines online. I didn't laugh. Then they let him host SNL I think which should have told me something. Still didn't laugh. Good looking? Not like me he ain't.

Blogger Dawn said...

My husband and I are flying to Vegas this weekend to see Lewis Black at the MGM! We love him!!!

Blogger katarina said...

Dane wasn't really popular until he pumped up. He wasn't always that good looking. His pulicist knows how to draw people in. I'm sure he has a huge gay following too.

Blogger FRITZ said...

holy fuck, no one who looks like that could be remotely funny except in a total mysoginist way, and i don't like that.

in fact, i DO choose my doctors and attorneys on the basis of their 'hottness' factor. it's really the only way to go. pretty people do it better.

i'm fucking kidding, man.

i hate pretty people. chop them up and serve them on garlic toast, I say.

Blogger JJ said...

It's the MTV effect. You think Janis Joplin would have made it if they had had MTV in the 60s? She was once (no shit) voted the ugliest man on campus.

Blogger Needtsza said...

While I love his comedy dearly, he has been know to use other people's jokes and ideas and made them his own.

Sad but true

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