Lookin' for love in all the wrong places?

I know this is going to come as quite a shock, but I don't think it's going to happen with the girl I drunkenly made out with on St. Patrick's Day. Right now you're all thinking "If those two crazy kids didn't make it, what chance does anyone have?" Oh, you aren't thinking that? Well, fuck you!

I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.

I'm considering rejoining match.com. Even though I don't have full membership, I received the following lovely email from a female match.comer:

"My name is Diana. I girl, which search for the true love in this large
world. I live together by my mum. I work as the seller in shop. I the
very cheerful and sociable girl, love the good companies, cheerful
parties, also I love to go in cinema and theatre. I love to listen to
music, which is romantic. Also I simply to like to walk on parks and
to meet with my friends. I like to observe sports competitions by the
TV set to look cinema, especially romanticism and adventures, also to
love comedies and films about love. I very vigorous the girl, I love
sports and to make behind the figure"

I don't know much about her, other than she's either foreign or stupid (or both), but I think I'm in love. She's the seller in shop, motherfucker; what do you do?! She's very vigorous the girl, which is probably a good thing. Most importantly, she likes to make behind the figure...Translation: HELLO, RIM JOB!

According to her match.com profile, she already lives here in Louisville. Not for very long, I'm guessing, which explains why she is so interested in me. And all other male U.S. citizens.

I'm getting to the point where it's either this or conjugal visits to the women's prison every weekend; and I'm kind of leery of that. I once dated a woman who was just released from prison. She was nice enough, but the relationship fell apart when she insisted on calling me her bitch. I didn't want to be standing in a church in front of friends and family, only to hear the minister say "I now pronounce you bitch and wife," so I broke up with her. She attacked me with a hastily assembled shiv, but I was as good as new after a year of intense physical therapy.

Should I marry someone who needs to gain citizenship? Or should I continue to drink too much and hope that the alcohol gives me both the bloated sense of self worth needed to speak to strangers and the welcome respite of an early death? Help me out here.