Monday, March 26, 2007
Lookin' for love in all the wrong places?
I know this is going to come as quite a shock, but I don't think it's going to happen with the girl I drunkenly made out with on St. Patrick's Day. Right now you're all thinking "If those two crazy kids didn't make it, what chance does anyone have?" Oh, you aren't thinking that? Well, fuck you!

I'm sorry. That was uncalled for.

I'm considering rejoining match.com. Even though I don't have full membership, I received the following lovely email from a female match.comer:

"My name is Diana. I girl, which search for the true love in this large
world. I live together by my mum. I work as the seller in shop. I the
very cheerful and sociable girl, love the good companies, cheerful
parties, also I love to go in cinema and theatre. I love to listen to
music, which is romantic. Also I simply to like to walk on parks and
to meet with my friends. I like to observe sports competitions by the
TV set to look cinema, especially romanticism and adventures, also to
love comedies and films about love. I very vigorous the girl, I love
sports and to make behind the figure"

I don't know much about her, other than she's either foreign or stupid (or both), but I think I'm in love. She's the seller in shop, motherfucker; what do you do?! She's very vigorous the girl, which is probably a good thing. Most importantly, she likes to make behind the figure...Translation: HELLO, RIM JOB!

According to her match.com profile, she already lives here in Louisville. Not for very long, I'm guessing, which explains why she is so interested in me. And all other male U.S. citizens.

I'm getting to the point where it's either this or conjugal visits to the women's prison every weekend; and I'm kind of leery of that. I once dated a woman who was just released from prison. She was nice enough, but the relationship fell apart when she insisted on calling me her bitch. I didn't want to be standing in a church in front of friends and family, only to hear the minister say "I now pronounce you bitch and wife," so I broke up with her. She attacked me with a hastily assembled shiv, but I was as good as new after a year of intense physical therapy.

Should I marry someone who needs to gain citizenship? Or should I continue to drink too much and hope that the alcohol gives me both the bloated sense of self worth needed to speak to strangers and the welcome respite of an early death? Help me out here.


32 Comments:

Blogger Brookelina said...

I very vigorous the girl! Me too cheerful! Be bitch for me!

Blogger miss kendra said...

you crack me up.

i think if you're going foreign, you should order one fresh to your demanding specs.

Blogger Monalicious said...

Alcohol has my vote...big shock there.

Blogger katarina said...

Ahhhh, all the good things about Match.com wrapped up into one person. I do love it so. I think I'll go un-hide my profile...

Blogger Tracy said...

"I love sports and to make behind the figure"

I think Diana is a dude. You make good bitch indeed!


Come to Chicago, my six hot girlfriends and i love you long time!!

Blogger Monkey said...

She likes to walk on parks and she's vigorous! What more do you need to know? Get out the tuxedo! Reserve the band and buy the cake!

I'll be waiting patiently by the mailbox for my invitation to the impending nuptuals.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

Marry the foreign chick. At least she'll have to have sex with you when INS comes to visit to ensure you didn't marry her just so she could get citizenship.

Bro, I already told you I have two girls waiting for you here. Have some confidence in yourself man.

Blogger Vicki said...

Here's for pursuing this lovely wench to the full extent of your bank account. Let's all place bets on how many e-mails it take 'her' to ask you to wire funds to Nigeria!

Blogger Kate said...

well can ya let me know when you figure it out cuz i need some major help also?

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

Dude, you're thinking about this the wrong way...

You're going to end up drinking, married or not, you're just debating what is going to be the catalyst for your drinking at this point...

I don't know, do what my buddy always says: "Before you make any commitments, be VERY CLEAR on her position about anal..."

Blogger April said...

hmmph...i have no advice, i have no help.

for some odd, unrelated reason all i can think about is Wondertwin powers...activate!

Shtooping. That's all that matters in the end. The shtooping. Get to shtooping.

Blogger la dolce said...

holy crap, I'm roffling so hard.

I love you, Todd.

Blogger waygon112 said...

Go for the early death. Things are much calmer when your dead (I think).

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

Don't fall for it-- she's Nigerian, and waiting to tell you how her family fortune is tied up in foreign bank accounts, etc.

Blogger MadMeer said...

I agree with Kendra. If you're going to go foreign, do it right and order the one you want through ebay or something. The only thing that sounds good about this girl is that she's vigorous. Plus, I'm pretty sure she's a bot, and you're probably already having most of your sex with a computer.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

alcohol is good...

my dear sweet todd,
i await your presence. i can no longer keekp on living if i cannot see you. please come to chicago to heal my pain.

see alcohol IS good!!!

Blogger wmy said...

I think you should go track down that female customer in the yellow sweatsuit...peanut butter jelly...

Blogger Nick said...

"My name is Todd and I'm so lonely. WAA! WAA!"

Blogger Scottsdale Girl said...

www.engrish.com

I'm jes sayin

Blogger yournamehere said...

brooke,
I'll be bitch for you.

kendra,
so you want me to choose a woman the way most people choose a Honda Accord?

mona,
I'm quite shocked.

kat,
maybe you'll get a guy who collects skulls. Be careful.

tracy,
an orgy? I'll be on the next plane.

monkey,
the band will be wearing cake costumes. Hilarity will ensue.

cincy,
loveless sex with someone self-servingly going through the motions is still sex, right?

vast,
but one of them is someone who needs her green card!!

vicki,
don't worry; I'm not emailing "her".

kate,
come visit me. We could have a brief and ultimately unsatisfying relationship.

stormin,
"you're going to end up drinking, married or not.." Truer words have never appeared on this site.

Blogger yournamehere said...

april,
have you been drinking?

john,
no kidding.

la dolce,
love ya right back.

waygon,
You think? You better know, man.

johnny,
I get those emails all the time, with no promise of love. Has anyone ever fallen for that?

madmeer,
you can buy a girl on ebay? Uh, I'll be right back..

sonrisa,
I hope "heal my pain" means what I think it means. I'll be there, I promise.

wmy,
that song would then be in my head for the rest of my life.

nick,
Isn't your nickname "Table for one"?
By the way, Nick "Table for One" Seaman, I am dominating you in your own NCAA tourney pool. Did a five-year-old Amish girl make your picks?

scottsdale,
will I be able to translate my true love's email?

Blogger Princess Pointful said...

Who says you can't do both?

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Let me get this straight - she loves to go in cinema and theatre, and she loves to make behind the figure???

What possible reservations could you have?

Blogger Steph said...

A mail order bride from Singapore is the way to go. My dads friend bought one and hasn't looked back.

Of course she'll divorce his old, saggy arse in about a year but then he'll just go buy himself a new model.
Win/win.

Blogger Dr. Chingasa said...

Dear Diana,
I boy. I are Todd and I sexy man big time tall. I make in, out, and all around the figure and go to vigorous beer holding party times and cinema. I will romantic walk on your music, dancing like, with television adventures of Dallas Cowboys.

Great Success!

Blogger Dr. Chingasa said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger Dr. Chingasa said...

Holy crap! Remember we were talking about that Victoria Secret gift card that not only makes your dick bigger,but gives you a free Iphone,which in turns allows you to stalk old lovers all the while giving you free ringtones!?!?!?! Well,it turns out to be real! All you have to do is go to Diana's site:

www.killyourselfspamers.com !!!!

It's so easy! Check it out!

Blogger April said...

you think i can drink & type at the same time?

why, yes, yes, I can. heh.

Blogger Search Addict said...

This comment has been removed by the author.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

Well, just thank your lucky stars that you didn't wake up in a tube of ice, with a kidney missing. Um, you didn't, did you?

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