Sunday, March 18, 2007
The wearin' of the green; the yelling at the douchebag
This Saturday, on St. Patrick's Day, I started drinking pints of Guinness at 1 in the afternoon. I stood in a crowded Irish bar watching a little college basketball action. Everything was going well, since I mind my own fucking business. Unfortunately, not everyone is a great person like me; specifically, the mid-fiftyish lout with the graying white guy 'fro who was standing behind me.

Out of nowhere, this fucking drop of scrote sweat screams into my ear: "HEY, YOU NEED TO STAND IN ONE PLACE, GOD DAMMIT!"

You know, it wasn't my fault I got to the bar hours before this fucker. But still, if he had been polite I would have worked with him. But since he had to be a rude asshole, I responded in kind.

The conversation went as follows (my words are in bold):

"WHAT?!!!"

"MAKE UP YOUR MIND ABOUT WHERE YOU'RE GOING TO STAND. YOU'RE TOO DAMN BIG TO SEE AROUND."

"HEY, YOU'RE FATTER THAN ME, MOTHERFUCKER! YOU'RE JUST SHORT, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!"

Just then the guy's yuppie friend chimes in: "Hey hey hey hey...." In other words, "How dare you yell at my friend who yelled at you first?"

So I said to Mr. Helper "FUCK HIM AND FUCK YOU, TOO." I know; I'm incredibly witty when I'm angry.

A friend of mine then said something to appease the guy. At first I thought he was applying the calming salve of reason; but it later turned out to be a thinly veiled threat. Oh well.

A few minutes later, during a commercial break, the guy's wife came over and asked me not to kick his ass. She was a nice lady and obviously one long-suffering chick to be married to such an obnoxious pile of crap.

I calmly explained to her a)I had no intention of kicking anyone's ass; and b)if he would have asked politely I would have let him stand in front of me or whatever he needed to be able to see the game. She said that he was drunk. I replied that I was equally drunk.

I'm not proud of my overreaction, but guys like that think treating people like shit is their fucking birthright. I hope the next time he acts in such a manner (and there will be a next time with this shithead) someone cracks his skull.


20 Comments:

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

You should've kicked the Daughtry out of him.

Blogger Tracy said...

You're a lover, Todd, not a fighter.

But you should have farted in his miserable face, collateral casualties be damned.

I wish you would have punched him in the throat.

Blogger John said...

The "calming salve of reason" almost never works in those situations. You handled it better than I would have.

Blogger katarina said...

Shovel Justice

Blogger Nick said...

Violence heals all wounds.

Wait, I think that's time.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

You got drunk and into a fight on St. Patrick's day?

I see you're a traditionalist.

Blogger Liv said...

You should have thrown your drink on him... thats what I would have done.

And sundevils comment made me cry.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

What a fucking prick he was. I would have been all over him like a spider monkey (yes I watched Talladega. Nights over the weekend.)


I had to put a vicious old lady in her place Saturday morning at Steak N Shake... the stupid cunt was out of control.

Blogger Flounder said...

Promise me Todd, not to do the things I've done.

Walk away from trouble if you can.

It don't mean you're weak if you turn the other cheek.

Todd, you're old enough to understand.

You should have smashed his head with a steel trash can.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

"FUCK HIM AND FUCK YOU, TOO." ...that's good stuff, can I borrow it sometime?

Blogger Brookelina said...

It's a shame that you didn't meet some nice girl to make out with. That would have made the whole thing worthwhile.

Blogger miss kendra said...

brooke is the devil.

also, you took pity on the wife?

maybe if you had kicked his ass she could have had ample time to run far away.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

LOL...

Fucking Daughtryheads and their inability to hold their liquor.

What you need to do is walk away...

And then blindside him with a folding chair. (Hey, big guys always can use the ex-semi-pro wrestler excuse.)

Blogger la dolce said...

wow, your st. patty's was much more action-packed than mine!

Blogger yournamehere said...

cincy,
good point. He would have been all Daughtry'd up.

tracy,
oh, the beer fart would have cleared the room.

vast,
I should have punch his very soul.

john,
the fiery ointment of a vague threat was much more effective.

kat,
he isn't worth the effort.

nick,
you were right the first time.

ubie,
not a fight, a verbal spat.

liv,
well, that's a very girl thing to do. It's better to scream like a madman.

Blogger Nick said...

Had I been in the area of this, my reaction would've been to get on my knees behind both of you and in my best midget voice, scream "I think you're BOTH a couple of fucks."

Blogger yournamehere said...

cold hands,
isn't Steak and Shake both insanely delicious and a fucking freak show at the same time?

flounder,
it's like Kenny Rogers and Toby Keith wrote a song together.

housekeeper,
hey, wait until you're stinkin' drunk and filled with rage and see if eloquence is even possible.

brooke,
hmmmm, I smell dramatic foreshadowing.

kendra,
she's obviously a glutton for punishment.

stormin,
I should have challenged him to a "Loser leave town" match.

la dolce,
and that was only the half of it.

Blogger yournamehere said...

nick,
you get beat up in bars a lot, don't you?

Blogger Princess Pointful said...

Ah... the mediating wife.
She's popped into my life in various forms throughout the years.
My first fast food job comes to mind (I would really prefer that it didn't)... she would secretly come up to the counter and apologize for her angry husband who was mad for one reason or another.

Cheers to not being the bigger man! I think more people should stop being polite in the face on impoliteness!

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