Wednesday, March 21, 2007
St. Patrick's Day, Part Two
St. Patrick's Day didn't start so great for me. As I mentioned a few posts ago, I went Naomi Campbell on this motherfucker at a crowded Irish bar. After that, I stood there fuming as the University of Louisville lost a hard-fought basketball game in the NCAA tournament. It seemed as though St. Patrick's 2007 would go down in history as a day that really bobbed the knob of lousy.

Then, with enough alcohol still in my system to convince myself I was charming, I started to talk to two ladies at the end of the bar. I used my gigantoresque stature to get the bartender's attention for them, and then it was on, man! Well, I really just started talking. I have no game to speak of, but I must have said something right.

Before long one of them invited me to her coworker's private birthday party, which was being held in the upstairs of a bar a few miles away. Since I was too sloshed to drive, the girl (to whom I'll refer to as Tina from now on) drove my car to the event. Note: My mentioning that she drove my car is an example of a literary device known as dramatic foreshadowing.

Her coworker, it should be noted, is a lesbian; so there I was, on St. Patrick's Day, attending a private party at the invitation of someone I had met mere hours before, and there are young hot lesbians everywhere! I obviously wasn't dead, because where I'm going I won't be seeing lesbians grinding one another on the dance floor. No, ladies and gentlemen, for one night I lived the American Dream.

Actually, I didn't pay much attention to the lesbians. Tina and I spent most of the time sitting in a corner, talking and making out. Yes, DON'T PAY YOUR BILLS! It's a sign of the Apocalypse. The end is nigh! I actually got just a little action.

I started drinking water as soon as I got to the birthday party, knowing I'd have to drive myself home at some point. After a few hours, she shared a cab with a few coworkers and I went downstairs to get a burger.

Remember when I said Tina drove my car? Well, my automatic seat is a fickle bitch, and refused to move back so I could fit my big ass comfortably in my car. Therefore, I drove home looking like this.


22 Comments:

Blogger Brookelina said...

You know what this story is missing?
Penetration.

Blogger Tracy said...

So's Todd!!

Blogger Spinning Girl said...

That's hawt.

Blogger wmy said...

Forget those negative nellies brook and tracy...I am sure you are just too much of a gentleman to mention that you boinked tina's brains out huh?? lol
Wait, maybe not...I still think you are a gentleman, but I also believe that you would be going to tell it on the mountain top if you had slam dunked the little sheila...right?? Well, right?!?

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

That's not a sign of the apocalypse.

Now, if we were talking about Nick...

You should get married and have babies.

Blogger Princess Pointful said...

Bold and italics are also prime ways to indicate foreshadowing.
You, sir, paid attention in high school.

Blogger katarina said...

Yummy, a drunken make-out session. I haven't done that since I was 16.

Blogger Nick said...

Hey! I heard th... ah, she's right.

Blogger Flounder said...

I knew that was going to be the picture.

Ha-ha

Blogger Monkey said...

I love you so very much. It's painful.

And thank you for the directive not to pay my bills. I needed that.

Blogger April said...

Todd gettin' action...:) now that's what i like to hear!

(and i love that laugh flounder posted.)

what are ya? like 6'9"?

Blogger Kate said...

makeout sessions with random strangers. damn. wish i could get me some of that. lol.

you're my hero.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

That'll teach ya...

Blogger miss kendra said...

so i don't have to hire movers, because the world is ending?

cool.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I've said it before and I'll continue to say it until I have one of those "and then there were like 14 hot lesbians making out" stories: I never meet nice girls like that.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

Dude, that story is fucking awesome.

Hot lesbians and making out...

Fuck the seat, the night was worth it.

Blogger kris said...

Come on, that had nothing to do with the seat. And everything to do with your boner.

Blogger yournamehere said...

brooke,
yes, sadly, it is.

tracy,
damn right I miss it.

spinning girl,
you're the hawtie.

wmy,
I don't know if I would tell, but I really didn't.

ubie,
what do you have against children to have me become a father?

princess,
I really didn't.

kat,
I highly recommend it.

nick,
just drink a lot and throw yourself into the mix.

flounder,
you "Nelson'd" me via the internets. Awesome.

Blogger yournamehere said...

monkey,
I don't mean to cause you pain.

april,
I'm 6'6". It was only a little action.

kate,
if you want to make out sometime send me an email.

johnny,
oh, the wages of sin.

kendra,
I've been wrong before. I had a good day at work once and the world didn't end. Lousy world.

cincy,
you don't hang out in the sordid dives necessary to see such action.

stormin',
yes it was definitely working.

kris,
uh, do want to handle all of my publicity from now on?

Blogger Steph said...

Bahahahahaha @ Brookelina. You got some tongue action but that's it?
For shame!

Blogger Cold Hands said...

muhahahahaha. good for you!

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Hooray!!!

That story just made my day. I heart you.

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