Friday, April 13, 2007
Job Interviews Suck
The reason I still have my crappy job is because of my utter disdain for the job hunting process. It's so degrading and soul-draining; kind of like my current job, but without the familiarity.

I hate job interviews the most. There's nothing like being interrogated by a middle-management scumbag who expects you to jump through hoops for a fucking trained seal job. I'd like to be able to tell the truth during an interview; to really speak my mind.

Middle-Management Scumbag: "So, would you describe yourself as a 'motivated self-starter'?"

Me: "First of all, anyone who calls himself a 'motivated self-starter' is the kind of ass-kiss douchebag who'll never be invited to Happy Hour on Friday afternoon because he tells on coworkers for stealing pens. And obviously I'm not motivated. Otherwise I wouldn't be sitting here going through the Spanish Inquisition just to get a job making less than the kid who sells off-brand chocolate bars door-to-door."

MMS: "Are you ok with a flexible schedule?"

Me: "By 'flexible' you mean flexible on my part, right? As in close one night and turn around and open in the morning like a twelve-year-old in an overseas sweat shop? Yeah, that sounds great."

MMS: "What are your salary requirements?"

ME: "Look, I know this job pays for shit. Don't insult my intelligence by pretending I'm going to get 75 grand a year and a company car. My requirements? That guy I saw out front whose eyes were too close together and had a gravy stain on his work shirt.... I'd like a quarter an hour more than him, please; just for the sake of my dignity."

MMS: "We require any time-off requests be made two weeks in advance."

ME: "That's perfectly reasonable, because nothing in life EVER happens spur of the moment. 'Hey, let's go out to dinner two weeks from now.' Of course, I'm sure you'll post the next week's schedule at the last minute possible. That's only fair."

MMS: "We encourage a positive outlook on the job."

ME: "Don't worry; I'll eat my daily shit sandwich with a plastered-on smile."

MMS: "We're customer oriented."

ME: "Every business is customer oriented until a customer causes someone to work harder than usual. Then it's a clusterscrog of buck-passing and excuse-making. But I'll drink your corporate Kool-Aid if it makes you happy."

MMS: "I give my employees respect, and I demand respect in return."

ME: "Yes, Your Majesty."

Well, at least my current job is close to where I live. And I get weekends off.


18 Comments:

Blogger miss kendra said...

corporate kool-aid is salty because it's made with tears.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I was once interviewed by a man who asked me just about every illegal question possible. Unfortunately I was too clueless to know that it's not OK to be asked if I have a boyfriend and do I plan on getting pregnant anytime soon.

I know better now. And besides, nobody's going to ask me that pregnancy question at this point in my life. Except for my mother.

Blogger Liv said...

That sounds exactly like the interview I went on today.

Are you spying on me again?

Blogger Steph said...

You know, it would be worth applying for jobs you have no intention of getting, just so you could reply to the questions in such a manner.

You may even get hired!!

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

I haven't been on an interview in years, but I can say that I appreciate the disdain for the bullshit.

But on the other side of the coin, what the hell are they going to ask?

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

I knew someone who actually said those things in a job interview, with the intention of burning the bridges. When she finished the interview, she immediately left in a huff.

She got the job. And worked there for years.

Blogger Tits McGee said...

You're hired!

Blogger yellowdart said...

you make me laugh so hard i barf....a larf, if you will.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

i LOVE going on interviews!!!! there's nothing better in life then to try selling yourself...hmm? this didn't come out right ;-)

Blogger Virgina Herts said...

My former boss conducted interviews based on Psycho-babble interview techniques he'd read.
basically he asked people...
if you could be a tree, what kind of a tree or if a cereal, what kind of cereal..etc.

Everyone hired based on those interviews said that was the moment they should have got up and left.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

You know what? CEO's live like kings, and think they're kings -- why not bring back the "court jester?"

That's the job for you. Only it doesn't exist.

Sorry.

I used to interview people for a living. Just as ridiculous are some of the bullshit stories a lot of applicants make up for why they quit or got fired from previous jobs. I even had one woman take a cell phone call during the interview. Instead of telling the person to call back and apologizing for not turning the thing off before the interview, she jawed with the caller for about 5 minutes. I got a lot of stories like that. So it goes both ways.

Blogger Monkey said...

corporate kool-aid is salty because it's made with tears.

Miss Kendra speaks the sad truth.

Blogger katarina said...

You get weekends off?!?
Damn.

Blogger Anathema said...

You don't happen to work at Jones Town do you?

Blogger yournamehere said...

miss kendra,
and sometimes a dash of shattered dreams.

brooke,
I liked to ask female applicants if they could put their entire fist in their mouth. Was that wrong?

liv,
yes, I'm spying on you. Someone's been shopping at Victoria's Secret, I see.

steph,
it would serve me right to get hired, huh?

stormin,
they could ask me what I think about the 1985 movie Johnny Dangerously.

ian,
that would never happen to me. People seem to lose their senses of humor when I'm around.

tits,
I hope the job is for someone who makes out with you.

yellowdart,
thanks. don't larf on your computer.

sonrisa,
If you're selling, I'm buying.

virgina,
I once filled out an application for Wild Oats Grocery. It was filled with hippie ass question, which I begrudgingly answered. Then there was a blank space with the Caption "Draw your dream". I drew a picture of me surrounded by money marrying Jessica Alba.

ubie,
Are you kidding? The jesters were beheaded when they didn't make the kings laugh.

john,
oh, I know. I interviewed a few people at Organized Living.
My friend interviewed people for a new Target in Louisville, and when he asked this guy to name his biggest life achievement, the guy said "That time I gave up pot for three months." Meaning, of course, that he started doing it again.
My friend said "We do drug tests here" and the guy got up and left.

monkey,
there's no truth like the sad truth.

kat,
it isn't worth it.

anathema,
Wal Mart? no.

Blogger FRITZ said...

We as a country are being slowly killed by the licking flames of corporatism.

Also: fucking working sucks, and interviews blow even harders

Blogger Vache Folle said...

I hate interview questions like "What is your weakest quality?" I usually reply, "I'm too perfect, and that sometimes makes my co-workers feel inadequate." "Where do you see yourself in five years?" "Presumably as a close advisor to the CEO, which I figure will be you by then."

When I interview people, I have coffee with them and chat. THat works pretty well for me.

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