Tuesday, April 10, 2007
The Wal-Mart of the Future

In my nightmares I have seen the Wal-Mart of the future. It isn't a pretty sight, my friends.

A lot of Super Wal-Marts have a McDonald's located inside, but the new, "improved" Mega Wal-Marts will also house Olive Garden restaurants for non-picky customers who like their uninspired cuisine served up with silverware and table service.

Ah, Wal-Mart and Olive Garden; a match made in the mediocre depths of purgatory. As you walk through the store you'll see groups of culinary Philistines prattling on about those fucking Olive Garden breadsticks. "Oh, the breadsticks are so good."

No they aren't. The breadsticks at Impellizeri's pizza, dripping with garlic butter, are good. The breadsticks at Olive Garden are tasteless lumps of dough. If you like OG breadsticks save yourself the time and money and sprinkle some garlic powder on a piece of styrofoam. Or better yet, rip out your tongue and feed it to a mongrel dog.

But that's not all for fans of absolute shit! The latest in robotic technology, the Danebot, will roam around the store repeating the frantic, unfunny musings of alleged comedian and Myspace friends champion Dane Cook. "He's right. What IS the deal with high school lunchroom food?" a random douchebag will ask aloud as he follows the Danebot from Automotive to Sporting Goods.

As you look frantically for the nearest exit, a voice booms over the PA: "Ladies and gentlemen, Mega Wal-Mart is proud to present, live in our in-store amphitheater, Nickelback."

Now you start to panic. You only have ten minutes to get out of the store before the scheduled public execution of a Wal-Mart employee who asked for health insurance. You run in a full sprint toward the front of the store, dodging displays of Shaun and Marlon Wayans' films and Sam's Choice brand salted snacks. "Hey, look at the fast running guy" the Danebot insipidly mocks as you breeze past him. You knock down a group of people in line for Olive Garden and finally reach the exit.

If you think you'll escape the haunting specter of Mega Wal-Mart, think again. One opens next Thursday in Indianapolis.


27 Comments:

Blogger miss kendra said...

this is the scariest thing i've ever heard.

danebot eats babies i heard.

and wipes up their blood with leftover breadsticks.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

This isn't real!

This is just a scary story. That's all. Just a scary story.

Blogger Melissa said...

I'm in a carb coma simply reading about the wondrous breadsticks of Impellizeri's Pizza.

Also, the Mega Wal-Mart of your nightmares reminds me of my as little as possible excursions to my local Satan's Litter Box, except there's usually no spilling blood of the innocents when I'm there. Except this one time when I witnessed an unrestrained toddler go ass over teakettle out of the cart.

Blogger The Stormin Mormon said...

Olive Garden...

I love the fact that you picked the "Italian" restaurant that I hate the most... Worst cuisine ever...

Blogger Phain said...

...you can check out any time you like, but you can never leave...

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I hope the Terminator can come back and destroy the Mega Wal-Mart and the Danebot!!

Blogger Virgina Herts said...

i thought i was the only one who found Dane Cook as funny as a ruptured sphincter abcess.

Let Wal Mart have Olive Garden.
I'll take Daves Italian Kitchen in Evanston

Blogger Holly's Boyfriend said...

... when I was in Indy, we always blamed KY for this kind of mediocrity. Kinda like Hatfields and McCoys arguing over who is less inbred. I was going along with the joke right up until the end, then I feared that the joke was on me. This could seriously appear in Fishers or near Speedway.

...sign me up, so long as they don't put the old person greeter smell in the marinara sauce (aka prego).

Seriously, your nightmare is probably someone's chance-of-a-lifetime pitch to the Walmart execs. Think about it: cynicism = corner office. The olive garden clouds are forming over Walmart as I type this. This could be your ticket to financial security.

MF

Blogger Princess Pointful said...

*shudder*
Nickelback.

The only thing worse is if they would be leading the Wal-Mart cheer.

Blogger lily said...

sheep. i love olive garden. all you can eat salad! all you can drink soup! nabbing as many of those chocolatey mints as you can! mmmm....olive garden...and no, i don't work for them. but i would if they'd let me! stupid restraining order.

Blogger Nick said...

Mmmmm... ruptured abscess.

Blogger Monkey said...

*sticks fingers in ears*

La la la la la la la la... I can't hear you! La la la la.

Oh my word. I have chills. Chills I tell you!

Blogger Flounder said...

I happen to love WalMart. The one near my house sells organic baby food 20 cents a jar cheaper than Whole Paycheck, errr, Foods. That shit adds up.

And I can get an oil change while I shop for groceries. What's so wrong with that?

Olive Garden, however, I could live without.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

I have a friend who asked a girl out last week and she agreed and when he asked her where she wanted to go she said Olive Garden.

He should have kicked her in the baby maker right then and there.

Blogger April said...

*sigh*

as if i give a fuck.

Blogger Brookelina said...

I have never stepped foot inside a Wal-Mart - and I intend to keep my life Wal-Mart free.

I've been to the Olive Garden once, under protest. It won't happen again. If I want pre-packaged par-boiled food, I'll stick with NutriSystem.

Blogger Tracy said...

i went to a mega walmart in indiana that had a mc donalds complete with Ronald himself sitting on a bench outside the door. it was creepy.

Ruptured Sphincter Abcesses are indeed more funny than lame cook.

I love Wal Mart... the bigger the better, so I hope a Mega one opens round here as-fucking-ap. Those of you who don't want to shopt there, I say GREAT! More for me and fewer of you to get in my fucking way.

Blogger wmy said...

What??I can have ANOTHER breadstick?? No charge?? Yippeeee!!
Olive Garden is the best!!

Here's my tongue...anyone got a spare mongrel dog?

Blogger Andi said...

I'm still waiting for Ultimate Wal-Mart with the liposuction station next to the housewares.

Blogger yournamehere said...

kendra,
but the worst thing about danebot is when he does Dane Cook's routine.

ubie,
there, there. Have a Coke and calm down.

melissa,
that's natural selection doing its job.

stormin,
how about the commercial where the old uncle comes over from Italy and they take him to Olive Garden? Yeah, good move. Mock him and all he stands for.

phain,
your neck is hot.

cincy,
the Terminator and the danebot met backstage during the Tonight Show with Jay Leno. They're good friends.

virgina,
Dane Cook should do Olive Garden commercials. That would be priceless.

holly's boyfriend,
I should have picked a different city, like Duluth.

princess,
by being so mediocre, they lead the Wal-Mart cheer every day of their lives.

lily,
do they serve sheep at Olive Garden these days? Do they drown it in their bland, gummy alfredo sauce? I'm sorry, but all the iceberg lettuce and sub-Campbell's soup you can eat doesn't make it a good restaurant.

nick,
maybe Olive Garden will start serving ruptured abscess smothered with their sickly-sweet marinara sauce.

monkey,
chills? Then you can hear me.

flounder,
if given the choice, I'd chose Wal-Mart. Reluctantly.

cold hands,
I'll say I'm allergic to their food, anything to avoid it.

april,
uh, sorry.

brooke,
no one cooks at Olive Garden; they just defrost.

tracy,
Ronald McDonald probably has lots of little bodies in his crawl space.

john,
don't you almost lose your mind every time you shop at Wal-Mart? I suggest that you like the idea of Wal-Mart but hate the actual execution.

wmy,
are you saying that just to piss me off? Are you a waitress at Olive Garden?

andi,
if they have an "oriental" massage parlor, I'm there.

Blogger Steph said...

Do you know we have Walmarts in Australia? We call them Big W. The W stands for wankers, obviously, but this scourge is going to take over the world!!

Somebody point me to a store with all the stuff Wal Mart has, located within a reasonable distance from my home, at the same low prices, and I'll renounce my love of the entire Walton family immediately. I hate the PEOPLE at Wal Mart (mostly other shoppers, but the employees too in many cases). That's not the same as hating Wal Mart itself. The people aren't the products (or their prices).

Blogger Frans said...

Fookin' funny, mullet man. You forgot some key departments in the new store, however:

1. The George Bush Book Section - Praise Jeebus
2. Dick Cheney's Sporting Goods
3. Neil Bush Educational Software
4. Halliburton Car Care
5. Anna Nicole Smith Pharmacy
6. Nicole Richie presents Slimfast
7. Bed, Bath, and Beyonce

Blogger Pentimental said...

SIGTGFM, if you don't mind your children's future being sold to the lowest bidder, then you should definitely shop at WalMart. When Sam Walton was still alive, he used o pride himself on all American-made products. The kids have forced suppliers to acquire products from China in order to entice the unwashed masses to their doors. Great, you can get a futon for $199, but at what true cost? Whan China decides to call in the debt, our currency will be so devalued, a wheelbarrow full of money to buy a loaf of bread will apeear as a bargain. Wake up people. Demand from YOUR representatives that we bring manufacturing back to this country and stop all the trade deficits. We can't afford not to.

I don't have any children, and I couldn't care less about the future of anyone else's. I just like paying less for stuff I use all the time. If it's made by someone earning a nickel a day in some third world hellhole, I'm not losing sleep over it. I figure that's a nickel more than they'd be making otherwise.

Blogger Nick said...

What a great post! Very few bloggers write about all kinds of places and people I love. You've basically described something of a fantasy day for me. So you're saying it doesn't even cost money to play with the Danebot? I can't really believe that. I'm gonna go listen to some rockin' Nickelback now. Thanks, man!

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