Monday, June 11, 2007
I didn't watch the MTV Movie Awards, but I'm reporting on them anyway
Yes, in what might be a new low for even the subterranean world of "entertainment reporting", I'm going to comment on the 2007 MTV Movie Awards, even though I didn't watch a second of it. Hey, at least I'm honest. None of you watched it; I could have made a few smarmy remarks and no one would have been the wiser. I'm still going to make the smarmy remarks, but from a position of complete ignorance. In that sense, think of me as an ugly left-wing version of Michelle Malkin.

Sarah Silverman hosted. I'm sorry I missed her say horrible things about Paris Hilton while Paris was sitting in the audience.

Sarah can be really funny, even though she plays the "I'm a cute little girl who talks naughty" card A LOT. That's okay, as I play the "Oops I forgot my wallet; can you pay for dinner" card on a regular basis. I also find the "I promise I won't get any on you" card a tad irresistible.

Seth Rogan presented an award with Eva Mendes. If I was Seth, I would have used the premise of my hit comedy Knocked Up as an opening to ask Eva Mendes for some steamy backstage sex. That's why God has conspired to keep me poor and unknown.

Are these the three winners of MTV's "Dress Like a Choad and Get Your Picture Taken With Jessica Alba" contest? No, sadly it's the cast of the new Fantastic Four movie.

The guy on the far left is wearing an outfit that a meth-addicted hillbilly would wear to his junior prom, and the young guy is wearing a fucking Cosby sweater. Unbelievable.

I'm old, so I had to research the identities of these future True Hollywood Stories victims. The blond on the left is Ashley Tisdale. I swear until this day I thought Ashley Tisdale was a power forward for the Milwaukee Bucks. The guy in the middle is named-are you ready for this- Corbin Bleu. It's kind of a cross between a chicken dish and the title of a gay French porno. The girl on the right is wearing a maternity dress that barely covers her underage hoohah, so I didn't research her for fear I'd soon receive a visit from Chris Hanson and the Dateline NBC crew.

"Comedian" Dane Cook didn't actually appear on the show, but it didn't stop him from getting his picture taken in front of an MTV backdrop while wearing a faux-hipster version of a Canadian Tuxedo. It's also not going to stop me from mentioning that Dane Cook is an annoying unfunny douchebag who probably has syphilis.

Is John Travolta trying to convert these impressionable young people to Scientology? Or does he just want to have sex with the boy in the Knack suit? You decide.

Finally, Jessica Biel proves she's underrated as an actress by pretending to think Kevin James is funny. Also, I'll bet Adam Sandler either said something in a "zany" accent, pretended to be shy and unassuming, or said something in a "zany" accent while pretending to be shy and unassuming. He's a true renaissance man.

So there you have it. It was just like not being there, wasn't it?


Blogger Andi said...

Ahh, yes, I saw a piece of the awards in repeat (that horribly scary Will Ferrell/Sascha [sp] Borat Coen Smith guy rolling around like horny spider monkeys. Good fuckin' times.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

I saw a clip of Paris being made fun of.........truly made my day.

Blogger miss kendra said...

thank god i didn't watch this, because the pictures shown here are BAD ENOUGH.


Blogger Blonde said...

I didn't watch either because I find Sarah Silverman to be as funny as an ingrown cunt hair.

underage hoo ha...dane cook & syphillis...hillbilly my friend, are a comedic genius!

Miss you and hope that you are well :)

Blogger Tracy said...

Bless your little heart. I actually burst out laughing at work.

whats a choad?

Blogger Melissa said...

I saw the Sarah Silverman skit only because my brother forwarded it to me in an email with the title "Paris is a Cum-Bucket and This Will Amuse You".

It did.

I should feel bad about that, shouldn't I?

Blogger Marina said...

Damn. That was even better than TV. Thank you.

Sarah Silverman was one of the only funny comedians in The Aristocrats. For that I can respect her, having not heard any of her other comedy.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

dudda dudda da da dudda dudda da da dudda dudda da da


Sarah Silverman tries too hard. Dane Cook is a drop of Satan's semen that somehow sprung to life of its own accord. Ugly clothes. I am amused.

Blogger Ms Smack said...

I saw the clip. Paris squirmed very uncomfortably, tried to feign a 'i can take it' smile but failed.

I actually think she's quite miserable.

Blogger brookelina said...

I watched some of it. I finally turned it off when I felt my IQ dropping to the point where I had difficulty operating the remote.

Blogger Johnny Yen said...

Thanks! I feel a lot better about not feeling bad I missed it!

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Any doubts I might have had about my decision to pass up watching the MTV Movie Awards have now been dispelled.

Thank you, baby.

Blogger Kate said...

lmao. i loved it! thanks so much for the recap cuz i missed the stupid show.

Blogger yournamehere said...

I didn't see a picture of that, or I would have included it in my mock report.

I'm sure she'll pay someone to bust Sarah Silverman's knees.

I tried my best to capture the moment.

I'm doing fine. How are you?

don't get fired.

no, you shouldn't feel bad about it at all.

TV is rarely good, unless it's HBO.

Satan needs to control his spillage. A lot of his semen seems to have sprung to life of its own accord.

ms smack,
she's not good enough of an actor to pull it off.

they have those voice-operated remotes now. That's what I use when I watch political debate on TV.

johnny yen,
I'm here to help.

you're welcome, sweetheart.

I'm sure you are better for not having seen it.

Blogger Al Sensu said...

Your most brilliantist post ever!

Blogger Ms Smack said...

Oh, the chick with Ashley Tisdale, is called RAVEN. She's on a kids tv show. Good voice.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

Sarah is SO not funny.

Have you ever seen The Way of the Gun? She gets popped in the face and it is fucking brilliant!

"You like to fuck babyheads? You like to fuck boys? He's gonna fuck you in the ass, how do you like that? He's not even gay but he'll do it just to fuck... "

God I love IMDB...

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