Well, it's obvious I have nothing left in the tank, so I'm going to share with you my favorite headlines from an Onion "best of" compilation I found at a discount bookstore.
Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying
Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game
Everyone Involved in Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High
Loved Ones Recall Local Man's Cowardly Battle With Cancer
South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year
Pope Calls For Greater Understanding Between Catholics, Hellbound
Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids
Crowd Of Voters Cheers Patronizing Rhetoric
Funyuns Still Outselling Responsibilityuns
Posters Of Naked Women Fail To Draw Real Naked Women To Dorm Room
Tina Yothers Fantasy Camp Files For Bankruptcy
'85 Chicago Bears Return To Studio
(Shufflin' Crew Begins Work On Long-Awaited Follow-Up Album)
Woman Tired Of Men Staring At Her Breast Implants
New "Small 'N' Flaccid" Ad Campaign Least Successful Ever
Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord
New Pompous Asshole Magazine To Compete With Cigar Aficionado
Homoerotic Overtones Enliven NRA Meeting
Pantomimed Lasso Motion Fails To Pull Woman Across Dance Floor
Roof On Fire Claims Lives of 43 Party People
Also, check out the site Garfield Minus Garfield. It's better without the fucking cat!
Columbine Jocks Safely Resume Bullying
Special Olympics T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game
Everyone Involved in Pizza's Preparation, Delivery, Purchase Extremely High
Loved Ones Recall Local Man's Cowardly Battle With Cancer
South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year
Pope Calls For Greater Understanding Between Catholics, Hellbound
Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids
Crowd Of Voters Cheers Patronizing Rhetoric
Funyuns Still Outselling Responsibilityuns
Posters Of Naked Women Fail To Draw Real Naked Women To Dorm Room
Tina Yothers Fantasy Camp Files For Bankruptcy
'85 Chicago Bears Return To Studio
(Shufflin' Crew Begins Work On Long-Awaited Follow-Up Album)
Woman Tired Of Men Staring At Her Breast Implants
New "Small 'N' Flaccid" Ad Campaign Least Successful Ever
Gaywads, Dorkwads Sign Historic Wad Accord
New Pompous Asshole Magazine To Compete With Cigar Aficionado
Homoerotic Overtones Enliven NRA Meeting
Pantomimed Lasso Motion Fails To Pull Woman Across Dance Floor
Roof On Fire Claims Lives of 43 Party People
Also, check out the site Garfield Minus Garfield. It's better without the fucking cat!
6 Comments:
"Small 'N' Flaccid." That would be even less successful than the "Tiny Filoments O Tungsten," Ad campaign.
"Fun Toy Banned Because Of Three Stupid Dead Kids" didn't stop my grandma from having us aerate her grass with Lawn Darts.
Homoerotic Overtones also enliven community college classes with large amounts of NRA supporters who can't think of a better research topic.
i was a total dorkwad, and proud to say that i would have been at the historic Wad Accords, you know, if they'd been real..
Funyuns are soooo much better than Responsibilityuns.
Garfield Minus Garfield is so last year.
The "Special Olympics T-Ball" headline was my favorite ever.
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