Monday, December 29, 2008
There has to be a better way to collect money for charity
Every holiday season, the Salvation Army sends a motley collection of insane crack addicts to stand in front of our store. They incessantly ring their damn bells and scare elderly customers. And that's on a good day.

The first lady they sent out was hit on by one of our customers! Let me repeat: One of our customers gave his phone number to a Salvation Army bell-ringer. That's got to be the lowest pick up ever. "I couldn't resist the way the sunset highlighted her herpes sore." She was never seen again, so she either found true love with her parking lot Lothario, or he brutally murdered her. Either way.

The next bell ringer was a guy who didn't like the cold weather. That's a problem when you work for the Salvation Army, because standing outside is pretty much what they do. He spent about an hour hanging out in our small vestibule, his ringing deafening us all, until one of the managers made him go back outside. Also, if you walked past him a thousand times, he would say "You have a Merry Christmas now, you hear" every single time. And he smelled like Willie Nelson's guitar strap.

The woman they sent the past few days (post Christmas must be the Salvation Army equivalent of the graveyard shift) was certifiably bat shit insane. She brought a tiny radio and danced spasmodically to a form of music I've never heard before. I don't think my radio can even get this station. Today as I walking outside there was a sudden gust of wind and she SHOUTED "Auntie Em, it's a twister!" Because of her, I had to have this conversation:

Customer: "Where are the chili samples?"

Me: "Excuse me?"

Customer: "The lady outside said you were cooking chili in here today."

Me: "The bell ringer said that?"

Customer: "Yes."

Me: "Yeah...she's mentally unstable, ma'am. There's no chili in here."

At least she won't be back. She decided to get drunk in our bathroom. And she left the bottle on the floor.


11 Comments:

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

The only job worse than being a bell ringer for the Salvation Army is ...well...yours.

Holy hell I have missed you ever since Google deleted you from my blog roll for some reason.

Blogger Übermilf said...

are you sure these people are OFFICIAL Salvation Army people? I mean, pain a pot red and get yourself and bell, and that's some easy money at this time of year.

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Eddie Murphy used to fake it.

Blogger Heather said...

How do you know what Willie Nelson's guitar strap smells like?

Have a better New Year!

Blogger Ambitious Blonde said...

Why am I picturing the lady on "Family Guy" who randomly screamed "I ate a tube of Crest for dinner!" as the bell ringer?

Happy New Year Todd. :)

Blogger Tits McGee said...

Happy New Year!

Blogger Tracy said...

Could be worse, That smell could have been Willie Nelsons JOCK strap...

Blogger dguzman said...

Nothing clever to add to the comments, other than a sincere "Thank You" to you for making the SA people around here seem like saints.

Blogger 新年快樂 said...
Blogger 新年快樂 said...

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