Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Jane Seymour really likes her jewelry; and other ad attrocities
-According to a commercial I've seen ten million times in the past week, actress Jane Seymour has designed an "Open Hearts" collection for Kay Jewelers. It's fine with me if people want to waste their hard earned money on this kind of thing, but something Ms. Seymour says during the commercial strikes me as rather odd. She states, rather casually, "My wish is that my Open Hearts design becomes the universal symbol for hope and love."

Really Jane? You want your costume jewelry to become the universal symbol for hope and love? Why don't you wish for eternal life and heat vision while you're at it? Personally, I'd like my extended middle finger to be the universal symbol for "Fuck Jane Seymour's hubris."

-Bud Light has come up with a new way to sell their horrible swill. They claim it has "drinkability". You know what else has "drinkability"? Water. I want my beer to have taste, thank you very much.

-Speaking of awful beer targeted at morons, Coors Light is touting their innovative "cold activated" bottle. When the Coor Light bottle is frigid enough to kill what little taste the beer actually has, the mountains on the label turn blue. I guess simply touching the bottle to determine its temperature is hopelessly outdated. "Why are you touching the bottle? Just look at the mountains, old timer. Seriously, Methuselah, you should go churn some butter now."

Happy Festivus, everyone!


Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

1) Jane Seymour is a gorgeous older woman, and her daughter's also got it going on. I'm sure she even means well. But that thing looks like a heart shitting a tapeworm.

2) "Drinkability" has been in Budweiser's logo-paragraph for decades. I guess they finally figured out what I did when I was seven, and had a giant neon Budweiser clock (long story) - that "drinkability" is a hell of a buzzword, both in its uniqueness and in its sheer vapidity.

Well, it isn't any worse than Miller Lite's "IT" campaign. Remember that? "In the middle of Lite is 'IT.' In the middle of other lights is 'IGH.'" Which is funny, but then again I was 15 and way over beer by then.

Blogger WendyB said...

Seeing that thing hurts my soul.

Blogger Ambitious Blonde said...

I have no issue with drinking the cheap beer. I realize this means I have no soul, but I was pretty sure that thing was on the outs with my brain anyway.

I do have issue with that godawful necklace. Ian's right-it looks like a heart shitting a tapeworm. Or the Loch Ness monster after a horrible boating accident. Either way, it's ugly.

Merry Christmas Bro.

I neither touch my beer bottle NOR drink any soda or beer after it's BORN ON DATE has expired.

Because I'm a putz, and that's why!!

Merry Festivus!!

Blogger Scarlet Hip said...

Jane Seymour called. She said to tell you that she's rich and beautiful and she doesn't care what you think.

She's such a bitch.

Blogger Tracy said...

Everytime i see that Heart necklace i think it looks like an ass, seriously it looks like a broken heart with an ass.

Maybe it should be the universal symbol of getting your heart broken by an ass..

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Now I want one!

Post a Comment

<< Home