Thursday, July 27, 2006
Can we get this chick a sammich?

I know what you're thinking: "Damn, the Crypt Keeper looks great in a bikini." Sadly, that's Nicole Richie, the once-cute pseudo celeb. Holy Karen Carpenter, Batman; I'm surprised flies aren't buzzing around her.

Remember the first season of The Simple Life? Nicole carried a little extra weight and was attractive. Oh, she was annoying and stupid, but she looked good. But she had a tiny amount of belly fat, so some four hundred pound male TV critic probably called her a porker, resulting in a chain of events which led to her looking like a ten-year-old boy.

Why are so many women in Hollywood so unappealingly thin? I realize a lot of Americans, myself included, are fat, but there has to be a healthy medium. And if you're a celebrity, and part of your "job" is to look good, why make yourself look disgusting to everyone but necrophiliacs? Someone is telling these women this looks good.

I think that "someone" is the fashion industry. Designers think their clothes look better draped over a bag of bones than clinging to hips and tits. Hey, maybe they do, but speaking as a man, when I take off the gift-wrapping I'd like the present to have a nice round ass.

Lindsay Lohan has actually regained a few pounds (probably after seeing Nicole in that bikini). Yeah, she' up to a B-cup now; when she gets to C, someone let me know and I'll reinstate her as an object of my legal-yet-inappropriate old man lust.


Blogger Tits McGee said...


Kate Bosworth? Keira Knightly? The Olsens? Gross, gross, gross.

Have a fucking milkshake!

Blogger tlsd said...

"...when I take off the gift-wrapping I'd like the present to have a nice round ass."

funny you should say that...


Blogger JJ said...

It's insane, but I think men use this as a control device. No matter how powerful a woman gets in Hollywood all they have to do is make her feel ugly to slap her down. It's the ugly side of the cult of beauty.

I'll take Marilyn Monroe over a bag of antlers any day.

Blogger Flounder said...

Crypt Keeper?

Fucking hilarious.

You know, if Nicole Ritchie had a yeast infection, you could call her a Quarter Pounder with cheese.

Blogger Burr-ee-toe said...

I hear ya. I went to my 10 year high school reunion last saturday and there's one girl that went from pretty thin in high school to resembling Skeletor now. I think she needs like 100 sandwiches.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Kate Bosworth was beautiful in that terrible surfer film, but now she looks like Gilligan in drag.

are you saying you have a nice round ass I could unwrap?

Amen. Do you think Frank Sinatra would have fucked any of these coatracks?

didn't that used to be a cruel but funny Ethiopean joke? It's sad when a rich young American girl is interchangable with someone who's starving to death.

some people are naturally skinny, I understand that. And some skinny women are very attractive. But that is not Nicole Richie's natural body, and I suspect your classmate willl never think she's thin enough.

Blogger Trix said...

A sammich? How about a fifteen foot sub & a box of twinkies?

Blogger Brookelina said...

It takes every ounce of energy she has just to hold up her head.

Blogger Violet said...

I totally agree, and I think that's the perfect new job for you. Drive around LA on "skeleton watch," pass out foodstuffs, and perform random T & A inspections until we're all in the clear on this one. You could call it "No Former Hottie Left Behind."

Blogger Egan said...

I'm in love, yet again.

Blogger da buttah said...

damnit...i should put down this hostess cupcake, huh?!

Blogger Burr-ee-toe said...

Okay, so its bad for me to be jealous of her, right? Damn society and its insane expectations for women's bodies.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

i used to be ashamed of my big boobs and big hips but one day i decided to accept my latina body!! yeah, i know, a bit dramatic but what can i say...btw i like my mens with some meat on them ;-)

Blogger tlsd said...

... come and get it Todds...

*slaps ass and points it at Todd*

Blogger yournamehere said...

we don't want her to explode. Or do we?

luckily for her, her brain is tiny.

as long as I have a driver. I can't deal with LA traffic.

wow, from author of crap to object of your affection in one day.

da buttah,
NO! Eat that cupcake. You look good.

I hope you're kidding. Embrace the curves.

I'd like to accept your latina body!

I'd like to.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Dearest Todd,

Thank you for taking such good care of my blog.

I prefer to take my fashion cues from Marilyn Monroe and Sophia Loren and Raquel Welch and Jane Russell.

Va va va VOOM, baby.

Blogger Burr-ee-toe said...

I wish I was. :( I'm not sure if its just some girls or the girls that I hang out with, but we are all obsessed with food and the gym and always wanting to be thinner. I'm the "big girl" of the group at a size 6. Dammit, I want to be a 2!! But I would settle for a 4.

Blogger Egan said...

I know, I am too easy Todd. I've got to work on that.

Blogger Rachel said...

Woo hoo, especially since I have a nice round ass.

Gotta love the curves man, they make the ride more exciting.

The reason models are all stick thin? In two words, gay men. That's who the designers are, and they don't like chickly things like big boobs and curvaceous booties. They prefer bodies with lots of angles and only one prominent bulge that women just can't recreate. So they design clothing that mimics their preferred body style: wide shoulders tapering to very narrow waists and long legs. What picture does that paint? A man, of course.

Blogger The Lone Rangers said...

Im sorry but thats just fucking gross. Got to have some meat on them bones for me. Biggest turn off in the world is chicks with ankles the same size as their knees...either way

Blogger AJ said...

"Amen. Do you think Frank Sinatra would have fucked any of these coatracks?'

Frank Sinatra fucked Mia Farrow, so the answer is yes.

The following quote from Ava Gardner following Frank's wedding to Mia is priceless...

"Hah! I always knew Frank would end up in bed with a boy!"

Blogger yournamehere said...

it was a pleasure to blogsit for you.
Any man who would pick a stick figure over Raquel Welch in her prime isn't really a guy. Good choice on the fashion cues.

I'll bet your size six ass is smokin' hot. Men like curves, my new bloggie friend. Being a size zero will only impress the girls you don't eat lunch with.

don't cheapen yourself with blog promiscuity.

thanks to an HNT from a few months ago, I know for a fact that you have a nice round ass. Oh yeah.

"Fashion industry" was my PC code for "gay men".

you're right. Please tell burr-ee-toe not to lose any weight.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Ava Gardner was a real woman. Frank was no longer Frank when he met Mia. Obviously, his brain had turned to mush.

Blogger Arbusto said...

Both Lindsay Lohan and Hilary Duff were cuter before they were legal. I completely agree with you about Nicole here.

Did you see the articles about Victoria Beckham being a "thinsparation" to those with eating disorders?

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I still remember the furor over Kate Winslett in Titanic with so many of these critics calling her fat. What a bunch of jackfucks! Kate was, and still is, absolutely fucking hot. Same can be said for Salma Hayek. Just remember: Meat is for the man, bone is for the dog.

Blogger tlsd said...

so... how do I get me some of your "old man lust"?

Blogger Cold Hands said...

ewwwwww.... my eyes, they burn.

so gross.

she should be force fed some cheesecake.

Blogger Shannon said...

Three cheers for Todd! I'm getting french fries at lunch just to make a point!

Blogger Tumbleweed said...

All I can say is....ew!

Oh, and I have a big round ass!

Blogger Ruben said...

Damn! she makes a crack adict look overweight. LOL

Blogger Livia said...

So I got fired today. I think I am going to become one of those lowlifes who don't have no job and 18 kids.

Blogger yournamehere said...

Victoria Beckham was hot as Posh Spice, but now that she's "Starvation Spice" I'm grossed out.

James Cameron, who is a good director but also an ass, called her "Kate Weighs-a-lot". In public!

come to Louisville, show me the goods.

cold hands,
someone needs to take her to Cheesecake Factory and make her each one of each flavor.

have a milkshake, too.

Boo, anorexia.
Hooray, big round ass!

maybe she hangs out on the street corner saying "Hey, baby, I'll suck your dick for a diet pill."

I'm sorry you got fired, but I would like to volunteer to father at least one of your eighteen kids.

Blogger MoDigli said...

It's a cultural issue for sure. Americans both worship and loathe the skeletor body that so many stars starve themselves into. But I don't think it's healthy to be overweight, either. There's got to be a middle ground, and personally, I think it's hot when a chick has some healthy MUSCLES!

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