Wednesday, August 02, 2006
Celebrity Corner
It's been a bad week for a few of my least-favorite celebrities. Let's take a look, shall we?



THE PASSION OF THE NAZI

This past weekend, Mel Gibson was hauled to jail for driving while shitfaced, and proceeded to shout anti-Semitic remarks at the arresting officer. That's Mel's mug shot, and apparently he was still drunk when the picture was taken. He looks like the uncle who's never allowed to be around his teenage nieces.

One of the many things Mel allegedly said was "The Jews are the cause of all of the wars in the world." I wonder if he learned that from his father, a noted Holocaust denier and Nazi memorabilia collector? In this case, it seems the rotted-to-its-core-with-hatred apple didn't fall too far from the tree.

I think it's great when all of the worst things you've ever heard about a celebrity turn out to be 100% true. It's like if Richard Gere farted on the red carpet and a shit-stained gerbil slid down his leg.

Mel's publicist, Liar McLiarson, said it was the alcohol talking. Of course it was, because drunk people say what they mean, regardless of the consequences. Mel hates Jews, got a little pickled, and said what was on his mind. End of story.



SMELLS LIKE TEEN ALCOHOLISM

In a private letter that somehow managed to be leaked to the press, a powerful movie exec scolded Lindsay Lohan for going out and getting drunk instead of concentrating on her latest film. I could reprint his entire letter, but allow me to paraphrase: "We're paying you millions of dollars to be egregiously untalented and increasingly less attractive, so the fucking least you could do is not be a god damn boozing stumblecunt."

That's a picture of Lindsay drunk in public, even though she's underage. Don't worry, she never gets in trouble, nor do the establishments that openly serve alcohol to a minor.

Okay, the guy didn't call Lindsay a "stumblecunt", but he did call her a spoiled brat. No shit, huh? Since she was ten years old, fawning sycophants have been telling this girl her pussy-farts smell like an April shower. It's hard to believe she isn't well-adjusted and humble. Someone needs to take it all away from her. Does the world need another Lindsay Lohan film? I say "No, thank you, it does not." Hollywood, stop giving her work and make her get a job at Starbucks. Then maybe she'll live to see thirty.


23 Comments:

Blogger Ian McGibboney said...

Aww man, I was hoping you'd mention Boy George having to pick up trash in New York City for four days. Still, pretty good roundup!

Blogger Tits McGee said...

"Stumblecunt" = genius.

Also, the Richard Gere line? You just never cease to amaze me, Todd.

I bow before your greatness.

Blogger Egan said...

Good job man. Everybody is after Mel these days and rightfully so. If he even thinks about making another Lethal Weapon movie I will sick Billy Bush on him.

Blogger Hulkster said...

Wow...in 1996, Tom Cruise and Mel Gibson were pretty much the biggest movie stars around. Now, ten years later, they're both completely bat-shit insane.

So my question is, how long until Jim Carrey starts a cult exhorting the joys of life on the planet Blisstonia?

Dude, the move back to L.A. has you on fire. I say you knock Giuliana DePandi on the head with someone's stumblecunt and take up as a E-correspondant.

Hanging out with Todd when we were kids/teens/early 20s, I can tell you that he's been this talented all his life. If he hadn't stolen my watermelon at camp once (no, I haven't forgotten and I never will), I'd probably sell all my worldly possessions and follow him. But you did steal my watermelon, Todd. My revenge may take a lifetime to come to fruition, but you'll rue the day. Oh yes, my friend, rue it you shall.

Blogger Cincysundevil said...

I'm such a perv because with that pic of Lindsay, I completely zeroed in on the crotch shot.

Mel almost makes me ashamed that I'm Catholic, but then I remember that he and his old man are members of Opus Dei a la The Da Vinci Code. Simply put, he's just fucking crazy.

Blogger Housekeeper said...

I hope Lindsay kicks it up a knotch, she's my wild card in a friendly Death Pool.

Blogger Me said...

Yesterday's adored starlet, today's drunken slattern, tomorrow's Tara Reid.

It's like watching the metamorphosis of a caterpillar into a butterfly, just with alot more Jack'n'jizz.

Blogger katarina said...

Sing along!

"I see Lindsay's underpants."

Blogger The Lone Rangers said...

I covered the Mel fiasco at my new site senselessdiatribe.blogspot.com/ too. And you nailed it, drunk people speak their mind, which is why I dont drink around people I have to work with...lol

Nice shot of Lohans cooch tho...

Blogger FRITZ said...

Mel Gibson also called a girl cop 'sugar tits'. I wish I could personally chop off his penis and mail it to the vatican for posterity.

And about Lindsay Lohan? Well, you said it. Stupid little talentless penis-trapper. I hate her guts.

Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Re: Mel,

Cincy, tell me about it. Like Catholics needed more bad publicity. Seriously, though, his mind was poisoned by his dad. Doesn't he remember when JPII said, "Uh, guys? Sorry about the anti-semitic shit over the past couple thousands of years. We were wrong"?

Re: Lindsey,

She was wearing panties; innocent-looking white ones, at that. Does she get points for that?

Blogger myboyfriendiscrazy said...

It's fun that regular people can fuck up, but if celebrities do anything silly, it's 50 million times more funny.

Blogger Trix said...

Todd,

You know I love you, and I love your blog. But for once, I've got a bone to pick with you.

I agree these people suck, along with the Paris Hiltons of the world. But the ONLY way they'll eventually go away is if we simply STOP talking about them.

By continually reading and discussing their antics, we're giving validity to what they do, hence keeping them in the headlines.

That's not to say that I didn't enjoy your post. Stumblecunt? Genius.

Love you,

Trixie

Blogger Flounder said...

I've looked this post over four times now and I still can't come up with a good comment.

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

so, every time i've turned on the t.v. or radio this past week mr. gibson's face or name comes up!!! so i wondered, "hmm? i wonder if todd will write about this?" AND you did not disappoint me!!!! dude you totally rock!!!

I forgot to mention that I plan to buy not one, but two copies of every Mel Gibson movie extended DVD. I've always been a moderate fan of his, ever since they dubbed over his voice in the original Mad Max movie. But when you add up all of the shit he has going for him now, his greatness is just too magnificent to ignore! He can act. He can direct. He drinks and drives. He made about $10 trillion on a movie about how horrible the Jews were to Jesus. He calls chick cops 'sugar tits.' He's clearly insane. I ask you, how could he POSSIBLY be any more worthy of our devotion? You people are all taking the wrong view of this. I think it's because you're Jews. You are, aren't you? Be honest, if that's even possible for a Jew.

Blogger Flounder said...

Nope...

still nothing.

Blogger Cold Hands said...

like the others, I cannot stop staring at her panties....

sugar tits? ive been called that more than once, but never by a has-been actor. *pout*

Blogger yournamehere said...

ian,
I wasn't aware about Boy George. I have a Boy George filter installed in my head.

tits,
bowing? As long as you're down there...
I'm sorry. I kid.

egan,
even Danny Glover won't work for him now.

hulkster,
didn't Jim Carrey dump Lauren Holly for Rene Zellweger? He's been crazy for years.

monkey,
I'd love to bean someone in the dome with a stumblecunt.

john,
of course I ate your watermelon. I was a fat kid. That's like getting mad at a skunk for pissing on you.

cincy,
yes, Mel and dear ol' dad are members of a sect of Catholicism that does NOT absolve Jews for the death of Christ. The Vatican, for the record, doesn't recognize this sect.

housekeeper,
is there a FRIENDLY death pool?

me,
you're right. Lindsay Lohan is WAY above Tara Reid on the celebrity food chain.

kat,
"I see London, I see France..."

lone,
I think that Lohan photo was taken a few years ago, because she doesn't appear anorexic. And is that Aaron Carter about to help her up?

Blogger yournamehere said...

fritz,
did he really? I'd do that if I was drunk, but not the Jew-hating stuff.

ubie,
I realize that if I insulted the Jews as much as I insulted the Catholics, I'd be considered anti-Sematic. For the record, I have nothing against Catholics, with the exception of child molesting priests and their enabling superiors.

mbfic,
that's the price they pay for being paid millions to do something the high school thespian club does for free.

trix,
you're lucky. I only accept criticism from super hot, intelligent women who moonlight as bartenders. I agree that I'm just giving Lohan free publicity, but Mel Gibson deserves to be insulted, and I don't think it will help his career at all.
Oh, and may I spank you like the person in your profile pic?

flounder,
that in itself was a decent comment.

sonrisa,
thanks. My rocking is all part of a greater plot to make you fall in love with me.

john,
you're like the Johnny Appleseed of Ill Will. Keep up the good work.

flounder,
okay, now that comment sucked.

cold hands,
when we met, I believe I called you sugar tits, and I'm a has-been blogger. Does that count?

Blogger n.v. said...

What's Mel's problem? I thought only poor people hated Jews. That guy is koo-ky!

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