Tuesday, August 01, 2006
"...I'm gonna set it straight, this Watergate..."
As some of you know, I'm temporarily (I hope) working at the party store which employed me before I moved to Las Vegas. Back then, we had a regular customer known to all as "Sabotage" because he looked like a cross between the characters "Cochise" and "The Rookie" from the popular Beastie Boys video. Same haircut, same moustache, and sometimes the same wardrobe, although on the weekends he'd sport an old basketball shirt, gym shorts, and knee-high socks with the three randomly-colored stripes at the top. He even drove an old car straight from the set of a '70s cop drama.

Well, four years later, he's still a regular customer and he looks exactly the same. Nothing has changed with this guy. He found a look he liked, and by god he's sticking with it. Three times a week he comes in and buys a twelve-pack of Stroh's. Stroh's. Even his beer is from the '70s.

I'll take a hundred Sabotages over this guy who came through my line on Saturday. He had B.O. something fierce. I'm talking malignant B.O. What Pam Anderson is to fake tits, this guy is to putrid body odor. He bought supplies to brew his own beer at home, and none of the homebrewing supplies will scan, so I had to type in all of the UPCs while my eyes literally watered. He bought about fifty tiny items and I kept mis-typing because my funk-induced tears made it hard to read the numbers. If I could have, I would have shit my own pants; anything to cover up the smell of this man's deadly pits. I wanted to scream out "Will someone vomit in a paper bag and place it over my head? This guy smells like a Frenchman's foreskin."

The moral of the story is: If you have time to brew your own beer, you have time to take a shower.

Here's what Sabotage's socks look like.


Blogger Ćœbermilf said...

Someone in Wisconsin was smoking More cigarettes. I almost dropped dead of asphixiation. I didn't even think those were legal anymore.

P.S. Where does he shop? I haven't seen those socks in years.

Blogger Brookelina said...

Thanks Todd. I'm off to throw up my dinner now.

Blogger katarina said...

I get about 10 of those stink bombs a day. Most of them are old, so they also smell of urine.

B.O. and urine.

Blogger AMS said...

the beautifulness of those rainbow stripeys - what poetry in woven fabric.

Let not the B.O bring tears - let it bring fear.

Blogger Burr-ee-toe said...

Shoot... you mean those socks aren't cool anymore??? Maybe you should start taking a surgeon's mask with you to work. Just a thought.

Blogger Rachel said...

Is it wrong to kind of like the green, yellow and red ones?

Hell no, they'd be cute on me ;)

Blogger Monalicious said...

The whole story is excellent, but I love the sock note at the end. Priceless. Can you even still buy those?

Blogger Tits McGee said...

The first time I saw that video was in the middle of sex with my then-boyfriend. The video was so bitchin' that we stopped fucking to watch it.

Or maybe the sex just wasn't that good.

Anyway, BO is hella gross.

The end.

Blogger Phain said...

The stench of a Frenchman's foreskin... The mental image you weave there was enough to make me wretch a bit - like a mini-dry heave.


Blogger Cincysundevil said...

He sounds like the unwashed masses I have to deal with everyday in downtown ATL.

Blogger yournamehere said...

there are places far south of Chicago called Dollar General Stores. That's where he gets those socks.

throw up? You must really hate those socks.

old people always smell like someone pissed on mold.

you are quite eloquent. I do fear the B.O.

I'm going to wear a haz-mat suit.

on you, cute. On Sabotage, not so much.

like I told Ubie, Dollar General Store. I'm also thinking K-Mart, maybe.

my girlfriend always used to use the "cool video" excuse.

le chat,
oh, you loved it.

downtown Hotlanta? You have me beat.

Blogger little ol' me? said...

Imagine that BO combined with cow shit. What I have to deal with occasionally.

I bet those socks are hot on you, though!

Those socks make me think of Roller Girl from Boogie Nights, which is too strange in this context. I just threw up in my mouth a little.

Blogger tlsd said...

Gee Todds thanks, gagging whilst laughing raucously is a new experience for me!

... the good news is if he's brewing his own crap at home... surely he wont be back that often! Oh and never, ever wish you'd shit your own pants... I've seen someone do that in a club... *shudder*

Blogger Flounder said...

Have you ever brewed your own beer? It stinks sooooo bad while it is fermenting, and occasionally, it explodes.

Maybe your little friend had a batch explode on him in 1998 and he can't shake the stink.

Blogger Violet said...

I second Flounder's comment. I used to work at a brewery, and it's a bad, bad idea to mix B.O. with hop fermentation. Maybe if you projectile vomit onto the guy, he'll get the hint?

Blogger sonrisa morena said...

gross!!!! now trying being in a tiny little office with this person..yep some of my clients smell just as bad and i keep telling them "i forgot this or that" just get out of the room!!! GROSS!!

Blogger Trix said...

Sounds like he'd be perfect for the Cat Pee Lady that frequents my local grocery store. Maybe we should set them up? Bloggie love connection?

Blogger Cold Hands said...

I'd vomit in a bag for your head, but I'm cool like that....

Blogger JJ said...

That's what I should do. I miss the 70s so much, I should get a 70s car and grow a 70s hetero mustache (which is a modern gay mustache) and wear tube socks and drink Stroh's.

Damn, that's a plan.

Blogger Anna said...

I used to love those socks... hell,on second thought, I still do! Gotta get some. And wear em with shorts. Maybe they'll inspire me to jog - I think I was wearing a pair the last time I ran for more than the bus.

Blogger yournamehere said...

those socks on me would make you want to leave your husband.

Roller Girl was hot. Any excuse to think of her.

the person who shat his pants...your date?

no, I've been in enough dive bars to know what stale beer smells like. This is homebrew B.O.

you worked at a Brewery? Which one? Did you get free beer? Why the hell did you quit?

this guy's odor in a confined space would have killed me.

the stinky guy had a girlfriend, and she was kinda cute. She didn't smell bad, either, because she came back in for a bag of ice and the odor didn't follow her. She must have been born without a sense of smell.

cold hands,
you're all heart, babe.

if you do this, please post a picture.

the last time I wore a pair of those I was running from the fashion police.

Blogger tlsd said...

Gee thanks Todd!!!
Of course not... I don't date guy's who don't know how to use the toilet.

Blogger Cracked Chancla said...

followed your link from sonrisa morena's blog. just wanted to give you kudos, you're really funny. and people with b.o. should be put out, there is nothing that i resent more than having to share a room with a stinky person.

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